


Flatmates

by Yes_Kassiopeia



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Depression, Lashton - Freeform, London, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, flatmates, malum, mention of abusive relationship, probably smut and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-31 18:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 81,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13980984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yes_Kassiopeia/pseuds/Yes_Kassiopeia
Summary: When Luke was looking for an apartment in London, he didn’t really expect anything too fancy. Just a small place to stay for his last year of college. It’s not like he could afford better anyway. So when he saw an advertisement for a really good looking flat in the centre, for such a small amount, he wasn’t really believing it. But he could give it a chance and try to see what is behind this attractive offer.





	1. One in a million

 

 

          When Luke was looking for an apartment in London, he didn’t really expect anything too fancy. Just a small place to stay for his last year of college. It’s not like he could afford better anyway. So when he saw an advertisement for a really good looking flat in the centre, for such a small amount, he wasn’t really believing it. It seemed like a cat fish. The only two pictures shown a modern, fully furnished, nice decorated apartment that should be way above his range of price. The ad didn’t say much more. Just that the visits would only be the next week with landlady, and that candidates were asked to bring all requested file with them. Even though it looked really too good to be true, Luke hasn’t found a place yet and he was running out of time, so he’d better take every opportunity. He was already expecting it to be a fake ad, so what could happen anyways?

          He took contact with the landlady by e-mail, and she gave him an appointment for the visit and interview three days later. Luke tried to look his best on this particular morning: all neat blond hair, fresh white button-up and light soap scent. He avoided to wear any of his piercing and covered the small tattoo he had on his left collarbone. Giving one last look at his reflection, he left his hotel room thinking he was just the good amount of formally dressed.

          But when he walked through Belgravia distinct, he felt a bit under-dressed. Everything was claiming his belonging to a world of luxury, refined delight and ‘haute couture’. The white smooth classical facades screamed their appurtenance to the royalty when Luke was just another boy without a crown. He almost gave up on the visit. He could not afford living in such a neighbourhood, the ad must be fake. But he also thought that it would be really rude of him not to show up at all. Yeah, he would just go apologise saying he was mistaken, either by a whole fake ad, or by a price lacking at least a zero.

          He entered one those white majestic building, and was welcome by a concierge who look at him severely, his eyes were judging every bit of his being. The man, who eyed him scornfully, was somewhat fifty, according to the baldness of his skull and to Luke’s estimations. His tanned skin and features tended to show he had some Indian origins. The young man tried stay collected under his sceptical examination.

          “You’re here to visit Mrs. Irwin’s apartment, I suppose?” the man said with slight posh tone.

          “Yes. I’m Luke Hemmings.”

          “Hu-hum”, mutter the concierge, looking down at his desk. “And what time is your appointment?”

          “10:30, sir.”

          The older man looked up at him, when he pronounced ‘sir’. He sent Luke an intense and enigmatic glance, but quickly return his attention back to his task. Not looking at the young blond man, he said “It should not be too long before someone comes down for you. You can sit in the armchairs behind you if you want.”

          Luke did as told and sat down in a very comfortable club armchair, whose brown leather looked vintage but was undeniably qualitative. A nice collection of newspapers and magazines was on display on the coffee table in front of him. He took the time to inspect all of them before choosing on to eventually read. But before he could finish his task, a young woman, probably in her early twenties just like him, crossed the lobby walking at a determined pace. Her heels clicked loudly on the marble tiled floor. She didn’t even acknowledge Luke or the concierge and pass the door with haughty and pissed expression plastered on her face. The young man raised his eyebrows at her disrespectful behaviour and send a questioning look to the concierge. But he seemed completely unconcern.

          Luke couldn’t question any further because another woman appeared in the lobby. She was a bit older, probably in her early thirties. She wore an aura of assurance and an elegant black skirt suit, very cinched at the waist, both very professional and really attractive. Her graceful traits evoked some feline figure to Luke. She sighed at the sight of the other girl leaving the building in a fury, then turned to Luke and give a polite smile.

          “You are Luke Hemmings, right?” she asked reaching out her hand

          “Yes, pleasure to meet you.” Luke responded shaking it.

          “It is a pleasure to meet you too, follow me please.”

          She led him to the elevator, left open from her previous journey down to the lobby. They both stepped in and she pressed the last button. Immediately the small cabin started its elevation, and just as fast the awkward tension that always lays in the elevators.

          “Hum… Mrs. Irwin, I…” Luke began but, much to his surprise, he was cut out by a laugh.

          “I’m not Mrs. Irwin” she chuckled. “I’m Anna Langton, her personal assistant.”

          “Oh.”, was all Luke found to answer.

          “And I’m in charge to find an occupant for this apartment. Sadly, you are already our twenty-fifth visitor and none of them has satisfied Mrs. Irwin standards. It would be easier if she knew what she wanted. Well, no, actually I’m sure she knows full well, but she hasn’t told me…” she sighed at the end of her rambling, probably just really relived to exteriorized her feelings.

          “I’m sorry, that must be hard for you.” Luke said in a soothing manner.

          Much like the concierge a bit early, Anna gave him that intrigued look. Luke wonder what was so odd about him. However, he had check his reflection many times before he left.

          “She is not that of an evil boss, you know. She is such an influent person in this world, that you can easily expect her to have some demanding requirements.”

          Luke had no idea who Mrs. Irwin was and what influence she had. But it made sense with the posh surrounding.

          “I hope she treats you right anyway.” he said sincerely.

          Anna smiled to him, the first of hers that reached her eyes. “And I hope to find the one in a million she looking for.” She replied when the doors opened to the last level.

          “Then I’m sorry to be only number 25.” Luke chuckled.

          Anna opened the only door that obviously led to the apartment with small laugh too. The interior was just like the rest of the building let it guessed. So swanky Luke was at loss of word. It was exactly like the photos he had seen. Modern, elegant, with all this creator’s furniture. Dark grey polished concreted floor and vintage-like parquet. Shining stainless steel, matt black metal and brown plush leather. It was chic and stylish enough to feature any architecture publication.

          A just as posh lady come in sight as Anna’s laugh faded. She was around seventy, Luke guess, even if she looked very dynamic for such an age. She had a thin skin dotted with age spot. Her blond to withe hair was combed in a sublime combination of waves, giving her a royal aspect. Her two piecing green eyes staring right at the blond boy.

          “This is Luke Hemmings.” the assistant introduced.

          “Nice to meet you, Mrs. Irwin.” he said, hoping this time he wasn’t mistaken.

          “Nice to meet you too.” She shook his hand and reach to take the required file that Luke has brought his him. She started to roam it while getting further in the apartment.

          “Come with me. The apartment has two bedrooms but one of them is currently unavailable so you can only use the one on this floor, I am sorry about that. Also there is a study room upstairs but for now there are a lot of boxes in there, so it is not useable neither. That being said, this situation his only temporary.”

          She moved forward in the apartment with her speech rolling off. Luke, on the other hand, was very speechless. He discovered a nice loft space, doodle-storey high, with huge windows and a mezzanine upstairs. In the living room he had the surprise to see a baby grand piano. A baby grand piano! What the hell?

          Seeing his stare at the precious object Mrs. Irwin added “This piano is very delicate, so if you don’t know how to treat un instrument, then please, don’t touch it.” Luke merely nodded, still trying to proceed all he was seeing.  But then he remembered that all of this seemed way too good to be true.

          “Hum, Mrs. Irwin?” He interrupted, recalling what he wanted to say in the elevator. “I’m sorry, but are you sure you set the right price on the ad? Because this apartment is clearly way above what I can afford.”

          “Mister...” she paused and looked at the file. “Hemmings, right?”

          “Just Luke, madam”. He said with a polite smile.

          For the first time she completely looked at him and smiled, which seemed to be sincere. “Luke. Listen, I could afford to own the apartment without having anyone living in there. Money is not a problem.”

          Luke was left a bit slack-jawed. Who in the world could have so much money, that a huge loft in Belgravia was just some random possession? But before he could even try to respond to this, Mrs. Irwin went on.

          “I am not looking for someone who has money; that, I already have. I am looking for someone who knows the value of money. Someone who has to work and to earn things to live. Someone who is down to earth and can tell what are the real issues and what is just another whim. I want to give this space to someone who will make a good use of it.”

          It took a couple of seconds before Luke could actually find something to answer “That is very generous of you.” To what Mrs. Irwin chuckled briefly. Then she motioned for him to follow her and she passed the door to the bedroom. A really fancy bedroom, fit for a five-star hotel. But at this point Luke had run out of vocabulary to describe such a wealthy place. Mrs. Irwin moved around and showed him the en-suite bathroom. She looked down in the file once again and asked “Tell me Luke, where are you from?”

          “Sydney, Australia.” Luke responded. “I moved here for my studies. I’m in the physiotherapy program at King’s college. In third year.” His way of speaking was a bit clipped, he tried to make a good impression, but was very nervous that he would never be at her level of standards.

           “Physiotherapy? What made you chose this career?”

          Luke smiled, that was a question he could easily answer. “I’ve always wanted to do something that could help people, with a concrete action. And I also enjoy sports a lot. So physiotherapy almost imposed itself to me.”

          “Very nice. What kind of sport to you enjoy? Or practice?”, Mrs. Irwin questioned further.

          “I use to be in a swim club, back in Sydney. Maybe I’ll join the university team this year. And I work out on a daily basis, or just go for a run.”

          “So you are the healthy kind of man.” She said, half question, half statement.

          Luke chuckled a bit. “Yes, you can say that. All quinoa and home-made smoothies”, he joked but then almost immediately regretted it. Maybe she wouldn’t find that funny at all. Fortunately, Mrs. Irwin let a small chuckle out too.

          “No parties?”, she added a couple of seconds later.

          Luke felt his smile fall down and his broad shoulders slouch down too. He lightly shook his head, but didn’t look at her. “No, I try to say away for that”. His voice was low and serious all of a sudden. That made Mrs. Irwin believe him, because she wouldn’t have bite it if anyone else had say this.

          “Any girlfriend?” She then asked with a lighter tone.

          “No, I’m all new here, so no relationship.”

          For a moment it seemed like she was waiting for him to add ‘yet’. But it never came, because Luke didn’t even want to say it. She nodded small then led him back to the living room and by the entry.

          “I have one last question for you, Luke. Do you want to live here?”

          “Madam, anyone would be crazy to turn answer no.”

          “But what do you answer?”

          “I would love to live here.”

          Mrs. Irwin slightly smiled and told him they would contact him with their final decision. Anna then came by his side and led him out of the apartment and into the elevator again. She smiled at him and said “You know; I think it’s her first smile of the day. She even laughed! Well not that much maybe but I heard that chuckle, Luke. And that doesn’t happen all that often.”

          “Really? So I didn’t completely screw up?”

          Anna laughed a bit at his reaction and shook her head in disbelief. “No, Luke. No at all. I think she might actually like you. And you could really be the one going to live in this apartment. Because once she has something in mind, nothing can stop her.”

          She added a bit later “Of course, she can tell that you don’t come from the same world, but I think that is exactly what she was looking for.” Anna looked relieved that the interview has gone well too. Even if Luke wasn’t Mrs. Irwin choice in the end, she had an idea of what to look for now. And that was a huge improvement.

          The young man felt relieved for her too. She seemed like a very hard-worker, devoted to her job, despite how stressful and unrewarding it could be. Then it hit him that he didn’t know really who was Mrs. Irwin and why she was so rich.

          “Anna? What business Mrs. Irwin is in?”

          At first the assistant looked surprised by the question, but then nodded like she recalled something. “Right, you are new here. Mrs. Irwin is at the head of the Irwin Family and the Irwin group. Which is a media group, basically. It includes several companies, a large part of them are in the press industry. Newspapers, magazine, and probably all of your favourite ones. There are also four radio stations and two television channels, and even if they can’t compare to the national ones, they are still reached a large public. Luke, don’t think that she is just some media guru, she _is_ the British private media.”

          It all made sense now. She was, just like Anna has said earlier, an influent woman. Probably even one of the most influent person in this country. Luke had to admit it somewhat scared him. It was most likely not someone to turn your back too.

          The elevator went to a stop and they both stepped out. Anna added on the threshold of the lobby. “I’m sure I’ll see you soon. Because this one, is definitely not a keeper.” She chucked a bit and motion her head to the girl waiting in the club armchair Luke has sat on before. She was much like the one that left the lobby in fury earlier that day. And all her being was screaming “bourgeois” to the world.

          Luke nodded a bit and said with smile. “I hope I made for search for the one in a million a bit easier. Have a good day, Anna.”

          “Have a good day, Luke.”

          Then she left his side to walk to the waiting brunette in the armchair. Luke turned to the concierge and said “Goodbye sir” before exiting the building. He felt the insistent glance of the older man on him all along. That glance again. But just when he reached the door, he heard “Goodbye” said in a kind tone. He smiled to the concierge when he passed through the door, surprisingly finding the other already smiling warmly at him.

          Three days later, Luke had the final response. And... He was the one in a million! He made it! This dreamy apartment was his! Well not really his in theory, but he was going to live there. He had another appointment in Belgravia to sign the contract with Anna. Then he moved in all his belonging, which wasn’t much. Luke felt incredibly happy. It was a sign for sure! A sign that he made the good decision in leaving Australia to London, and have a fresh start here.

          Yeah, his new life was going to be awesome!

          But all of his optimistic dreams about second chances, new departures and such, were compromised shortly after. Just a week after Luke moved in, he found out the ad for the apartment had, indeed, hidden some crucial point.


	2. Shelter

         Ashton was on his way from the airport. The whole trip has been really long and the flight back to London unpleasant to say the least. He was looking forward to get back home, in a calm, quiet and welcoming environment. Most of all, he wanted to retrieve the comfort of his beloved bed. Sleeping in planes was definitely not the best way to rest. Actually the first class seat would have make it okay, if his dead didn’t hurt like hell. And yeah, he could only blame himself, he knew.

         Spending his Saturday night in Singapore, he had been woken up after a few hours of sleep by Calum hammering on the door of his hotel suite, trying to tell that they needed to go if they wanted to catch their flight. Ashton had not really been in the state to understand all that very clearly. He had just open to the kiwi young man who got the rest just by seeing his boss’ face. Calum being the great assistant he was, had still found a way to put them both on the plane with their luggage, a bit messily packed.

         Fine, it was the last time he was hungover before a long flight…  until the next. Ashton was not going to make promises he would certainly not keep.

         Ashton couldn’t believe it was already Sunday evening. It was like he didn’t have any week-end at all, going from work trip straight back to the office. He wasn’t especially looking forward to go to work on Monday morning, but it wasn’t like he had any other choice. What was he complaining about? He had such a great job… One that allows him to travel to Asia in first class…

         Anyways, after the long drive through London he finally got to his apartment. He felt so relieved at the thought of spending a long and good night in his huge king size bed, all to himself, before facing another day, another week.

He didn’t plan on almost having a hurt attack when he entered his home.

 

         Luke was humming a random tune in the shower, coming back from a long run in the city a couple of minutes ago. He was trying not to think too much about his first day in his new college tomorrow. He knew it was nothing insurmountable, but he couldn’t help the little stress growing in him, mixed with excitement too. He turned off the water and started to dry himself. When he heard for afar the noise of keys in the lock.

         All of a sudden all his senses were heightened. With only a white towel wrapped around his waist and still dripping small drops of water along his way, his get back in his room. More sound kept coming. Luke was thinking fast but not clear. He thought that he needed something to defend himself. But what? It’s not like he had a baseball bat with him… He took the first item he could and tiptoe to the living room, ready to hit the invader once he would step out of the corner.

         Maybe he should have taken a second to consider that a burglar wouldn’t have had the key of the apartment.

         Maybe he should have taken a second to consider that a guitar was definitely not a weapon, especially since he loved the instrument, even if he pretended not to.

         But he didn’t. Adrenaline makes you take decisions... not always the most logical ones though.

         Ashton screamed. He jumped backward holding his hands in a defensive position. When nothing came he took a look at the situation, slowly lowering his arms. A blond guy, almost naked was aiming him, holding the neck of an acoustic guitar like an axe or something. What the hell?!

         “Who are you?! What are you doing in my apartment?!”, they both shouted at the time.

         They stared at each other defensively. A moment later, Ashton let out a small incredulous chuckled. “Your apartment? Ah, no. I live here. And I’m calling the police.”

         Luke was a bit taken aback by the whole situation. After a couple of seconds, he said with a bit a daring tone, “Do so. I have a contract that prove that _I_ live here.”

         “What contract? What are you talking about? I’m Ashton Irwin and I live here.”

         “Irwin?”

         “Yes, Irwin, dickhead.”

         “As in ‘Mrs. Carol Irwin’?”

         Ashton frowned and stayed silent for a little while. At first he thought that might be a joke from Michael or something. But now, he was figuring out this was very serious. Everything was when it came to his grand-mother. What has she done to him again?

         “Show me this contract.”, he demanded.

         The man finally lower the guitar down. Even if he wasn’t aggressive anymore, he had kept the instrument held above his head, and that had stressed Ashton out more than he would admit. Not such for the fear of been hit by it, but more for the sake of the guitar itself. Ashton follow the blond guy to the guest room that was room filled with belongings that he didn’t recognized, but he supposed it was the other’s. He took the paper bundle he was handed and roamed through it quickly. After getting to the last page, he gave it back to the young man, then sighed heavily.

         “So… you live here… according to my grand-mother.”

         “Are you the one who lived here before?”

         “I live here. Present temp. Seriously, I never left. I’ve been on a trip for a month and she totally knew that. I don’t understand.”

 

         Luke stayed quiet as he watched Ashton paced in his room. Well was this really _his_ room? He was starting to doubt it. Could it be possible that Mrs Irwin forgot her grand-son lived here? Like, maybe she had Alzheimer or something? Hum, well, probably not. She was at the head of a huge media group, and needed to be of sound mind for that. Luke was just as lost as Ashton.

         He took a second to look at him more calmly. Ashton seemed to be around his age, maybe a couple years older, 24 or so. And he was bit shorter than him, but not short at all. He had nice features but his face was all darken by traces of fatigue. His eyes wore a dull brownish colour, like the one children make when they mix all the different tubes of paint they have. His hair was getting long, almost touching his shoulders, in loose honey coloured curls. Ashton run a hand trough it before he asked suddenly: “What time is it in New York?”.

         Luke stayed still, a bit stunned, blinking a couple of time. Ashton didn’t wait for an answer anyway. The older man took his phone about of his pocket.

         “9:30PM, so that makes it 5:30 in New York. It should be okay.” Then he dialled a number and put the phone on speaker. After a moment, a voice Luke recognized as Mrs Irwin said “Hello?”.

         “Hi Gran, can you explain me why you rent my apartment to some blond, blued-eyed, guitar player, twenty-something guy?”

         “Oh! You met Luke!” Mrs Irwin exclaimed, but her voice was a bit distant like she wasn’t really focusing on the conversation.

         Ashton send a question look to the young man, realizing that he didn’t know his name yet. Luke only nodded to him.

         “Well yes. And I really would like an explanation. Where am I supposed to live now?!”

         “But with him, silly! This apartment is more than enough for two persons. You can share. Luke has the guest room and you have yours upstairs. Don’t worry I locked the study, it remains all yours too.”

         “What the hell?”, Ashton muttered under his breath. He looked upset, lost, and a bit angry too. “You still haven’t told me why, Gran.”

         “Hum, I have to go Ashton. I’ll see you when I’ll come back to London. At the Marvaux’ Gala.

         Ashton knew his grand-mother wouldn’t answer him and that he couldn’t argue with her anyway, so he just rolled his eyes and groan somewhat of an agreement.

         “Oh, and Ashton? I would like you to bring Luke too.”

         “To the gala?!” Ashton exclaimed pretty sure that he was misunderstanding, but he was utterly shocked when the answer came as an affirmative.

         “But… Gran! I’m going with Liv! My girlfriend, you know?”

         “I don’t care. Just bring them two if needed.”

         Then she hanged up. The conversation was closed and she made herself clear; there’s was no need to go on. Ashton looked at his phone for a couple of seconds, hopping that something would happen. But it remained lifeless. He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair again. Luke supposed that he did it a lot when he was nervous.

         Ashton looked up at Luke and eyed him for a moment, pretty much like everyone in this building had done before, inspecting and judging with a very sceptical expression. Luke was still only wearing his towel wrapped around his waist. He felt really self-conscious and uncomfortable under the glance. He turned his attention to anywhere else but Ashton, blushing a bit and shifting his weight form one leg to the other in a nervous reaction.

         Finally, Ashton took a step toward him and extent his hand, only saying “Flatmates?”. Luke’s eyes went back and forth between his hand and his face. He wore a blank expression. Luke knew he was bottling everything in, trying to stay collected and unfazed, while it was obvious he wasn’t. He tried to read under the surface, but saw nothing. Eventually, he shook Ashton’s hand and answer “Flatmates.” with a sharp nod. Two could play this game.

         Ashton left the room and the second he stepped outside, Luke crashed on his bed. Laying on his back, pretty much in a starfish position, he ran his hand over his face. He was making a conscious effort to keep all his thought at the door. But after a moment of just staring at the perfectly white celling, he let go a deep breath and everything fooled him in a chaotic racket.

         Ashton looked like a nice guy, more or less. He didn’t know anything about him, but on the whole he seemed … normal? Not that of posh guy at least, not like his grand-mother. He felt a bit sorry for him that the old lady acted in his back about the place he lived in.

         Some part of him was disappointed, because for an entire week he believed he could have this amazing flat for himself. He found himself being very selfish with this thought. And no, the space was definitely not a problem here. But it was more a question of feeling. It not his place. It was not a place where he could be alone, safe, home. Not if he shared it with a stranger. And technically, this belongs more to Ashton than to him, right? Maybe not legally, or anything, even if had no clue about this; but it felt like it anyway.

         Yet, another side of his brain was thinking that maybe he could be friend with Ashton in the end, and they would share a happy collocation together. Maybe it was a twist of fate, but not necessarily a bad one. Maybe it would all sort out well. Or maybe not… And he couldn’t help but think about how bad the situation could turn. He tried not to let his worst memories surface. It wasn’t the moment. It was never the never the moment, he thought to himself.

         And the silliest part of his mind just screamed at him that he made a fool of himself, almost attacking the guy with a guitar. A fucking guitar. And half naked, on top of that. He mentally face-palmed. Way to make a first impression. As much as he would like to shut this specific inner voice, he couldn’t. It was even one of the loudest in the cacophony of his head.

 

         Ashton left the guest room, well maybe he should start to refer to it as ‘Luke’s room’ now. He went upstairs, dragging his suitcase along. He reached the last door of the mezzanine and enter his room with a bit of apprehension. He was relieved to find the place exactly as he had left it. It was probably stupid, but part of him thought he would have found the room rid of his belonging. Like it wasn’t his anymore.

         He left the suitcase by his bed and turned back to check the study. More than any other place, this room held all his secrets. It’s a place he wouldn’t share with anyone. But he had to accommodate the fact that his grand-mother had the key. He hoped that she didn’t went through his stuff while he was away. He thought she most likely didn’t. She would never waste her oh-so precious time doing that. He unlocked the door; thinking it was probably going to be something he would do often from now on. He couldn’t let someone go in this room, go in his head. Especially not a stranger.

         He placed his computer on the docking station and get himself comfortable on his chair while the device was starting. He didn’t care about checking his e-mails, or the latest news or whatever he should probably actually be concerned with. He opened an internet page, and a few clicks and a password later he was connected to his dairy. He didn’t like to refer to it as a ‘dairy’, it sounded to emo, even in his own head, because he would never tell someone about it. He typed.

_‘I lost my shelter._

_Well, I may have the four walls of the study left, but that’s really all. Gran decided, for some reason, to rent half of the apartment to someone else. And I have to share with him, quoting her. I don’t get it. Why?_

_I can’t tell if she cares enough about me to choose to do it in order to upset me purposely. Then, she doesn’t need to, because honestly she already controls all my life and the only place I had for myself, for being myself, was this flat. And now only half of it. I’m happy there’s a lock on the study’s door, but even that doesn’t erase my fears. I feel so trapped right now. I have nowhere to escape._

_Or maybe she doesn’t care the slightest. She doesn’t care about me and she wish she could just forget my existence and make me disappear. Placing someone else where my ghost stands. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. If she would let go of me, I could escape then._

_But none of that sounds right to me. It’s just somewhere in the middle, where she doesn’t care and doesn’t let go. And I’m sick and tired._

_I’m so tired.’_

         Ashton stopped typing for a seconds. He sighed and ran a hand thought his hair unconsciously. For a while he stared at the bookshelf in front of him, not really seeing it. Then snapped back to his writing.

_'Yesterday… This morning… I don’t know? Anyways. A little while ago, I was woken up by Calum hammering at my door in Singapore. We almost didn’t catch out flight. Let’s be honest. Some part of me wish we didn’t. Some part of me just wanted Calum to left me behind, to forget about me. And then I would be miles and miles away from this shitty existence of mine. I’m not so sure walking away would really solve anything, but I like the idea. I also feel like nobody would care if I actually did._

_I wonder sometimes, if I had an accident, if I came to die, who would come to my funerals? Would some cry? How long would it take for them to move on and stop thinking about me?_

_Damn! This sounds so morbid. It’s not like I want to die. I don’t want to die._

_But let’s face it, it’s true I wish I woke up in another land so far away, or in after a so long period of time all the troubles of the moment would looked derisory._

_But let’s face it, there’s no miracle._

_I’m stuck._

_I’m fucked._

_I’m tired.’_

         Ashton saved and quit. He shut his laptop down and went out of the room, locking it. On the mezzanine he took a second to listen. The apartment was silent. As usual. But this silent didn’t have the same taste. This one was tensed, full of question, afraid, defensive. Ashton already missed the relaxed, soft, warm, comforting silent he loved so much in this little bubble of his. It has exploded now.

         He walked to his room and shut the door. That was something new too. He didn’t care closing doors when he was the only one to live here. He used to be free and now he was enclosing himself. He couldn’t help but notice all the small changes and all the big difference.

         He wasn’t alone anymore. But that was all he wanted. 

         After showering and unpacking, he slid between the sheets. He was drained, exhausted. Yet his brain refused to disconnect and let him rest. He did what he always had done in this situation. Imagine something. A scenario, characters, scenes, etc. basically a story. Something to escape in his head when he couldn’t physically. Something to make his mind shut up about his dark thoughts.

         Something to forget that if he wanted to sleep, he didn’t want to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even though it's a pretty dark one, well not that much, but still a lot darker than the previous one. Let me know what you think about it please :)  
> Lots of love,  
> Kassie


	3. Hide and Sick

          Ashton woke up the next day not wanting to get out of his bed. He knew he had to, but the very seconds he stood up, he was impatient for the moment he would lay down again this evening. He wrote off the breakfast, partly because he was late, and mostly because he didn’t want to cross Luke’s path in the kitchen. Yes, that was a bit childish, so what? He showered and dressed up fast then flied out the apartment.

          He grabbed pastries on the way to his office at 1200 Seconds’ headquarters. 1200” was the newest of the newspapers own by the Irwin group. It aimed at a younger target that the others, which were more ‘serious’. And little did he know that at the time, and not so far in the city, Luke was reading 1200” in the subway, in the need of something to occupy his mind stressed out about his first day in college.

          Ashton honestly loved this newspaper and the press in general actually. He has always loved reading and writing. Journalism would probably have been his major if he wasn’t half-forced by his family to choose economy and management. All his childhood, Ashton had spent it in similar offices running in between desks and tables, chatting with all the writers, photographs and others. It was somewhat of a comforting environment to him, even now. But he wished he had a more active role in the creation of the newspaper, in defining and keeping it’s guiding line, in choosing the final articles, images or even in the layout. But no. That wasn’t his job. He was supposed to be the grouchy old man that only cared about the facts. And by facts, he meant money.

          He was only director and not editor. That was the post of the infamous Michael Clifford. The young man was a bit of an UFO in the press industry. With his red dyed hair and facial piercings, he looked like an eternal punk kid that refused to grew up, Peter Pan like. But he was also very confident and not afraid to stand up for his ideas and vision. That was something Ashton admired a lot in Michael. Along their two years of collaboration they became good friends, and even best friends. Their proximity was also enhanced by the fact that Michael fell deeply in love with Calum.

          Ashton remember that on Calum very first day at 1200”, Michael was drooling on the floor at the sight of the kiwi man. It didn’t take too long for the two of them to became boyfriends. They moved in together around a year after. Very recently Ashton discovered that Michael had asked Calum’s hand and obviously got a positive answer. Even if was somewhat of a private and quiet event in their world, it was still extremely important for Ashton, because Michael had chosen him as his best man, and he felt particularly honoured.

          Somehow, Michael and Calum, usually called Malum for short, became closer to him than his own family who was yet surrounding him. Together, the trio run the most popular newspaper among the 18 to 30 years old.

          When Ashton met Calum at the office this morning, they talked about their business mostly but at some point in the conversation, Ashton couldn’t help but bring the topic of his new flatmate on the table.

          “Did you know my grand-mother had planned to rent half of my apartment to someone else?”

          “What? No, I didn’t know. Why has she done that?”

          “I have no idea. But yesterday I found a tall blond asparagus in the middle of the living room. And he didn’t seem to know about me neither. I tried to call my grand-mother but she just confirmed the situation and didn’t give any explanation.”

          “I know she’s some kind of Machiavellian genius, but that seems just… weird.”

          Ashton hummed in agreement and stated a bit emotionlessly, “She wants me to bring him to Marvaux’ Gala.”

          “What?” exclaimed Calum again, raising an eyebrow. He blinked a couple of time. His boss and friend could almost see the gears turning in his head. But nothing clicked. Ashton didn’t blame him, he was just as clueless, this made no sense.

          “Yep. And it was a demand. What am I supposed to do? Bring him? Bring Olivia? Or... both?”

          His assistant just stared at him a moment, evaluating the situation in his head. Calum was really good at pros and cons and making quick rational decision. Which made him better at his own job than Ashton was.

          “I wouldn’t choose not to bring him at all, unless you want to attract the rage of your grand-mother. On the other hand, Liv will be really pissed if you ditched her. And bring both is just weird.”

          “I know... but you’re not helping me, there, Cal.”

          “I would pick the blond asparagus.”, he said with a shrug and a sly smile, then he left the room.

          Ashton just rolled his eyes. Obviously he would choose the guy, not having any affinity with girls, and especially not Liv. Calum had never explicitly acted against her, or showed any form of disapproval, but Ashton could read between the lines. He could tell he didn’t like her. Michael, on his side, was very neutral and balanced in his judgement, which was a surprise considering that he usually had an opinion on everything.

          And Ashton himself… well, he loved her, obviously. Yet, there was a little thing that he had trouble admitting to himself. He couldn’t picture any future for them. Malum was going to get married, and Ashton, even if he wanted to have this kind of relationship too, knew it would never be with Olivia. But he loved her nevertheless.

          He knew he couldn’t ditch her for the gala, unless he wanted to start another fight. It seemed like it was all their relationship was about now. He wondered where all the good times went. They had been together for more than a year and they had shared so much of beautiful memories. He could still recall how carefree and happy they were in the beginning. Now it was long behind them. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment were it all changed, what made their relationship so rocky. Maybe there was nothing such as a moment or a thing that made it take another turn. But he wished there was, so that he could find it and changed it back.

          But just as Calum said, he couldn’t ditch Luke neither, or he would be killed by his grand-mother. So the only choice he had was on which fight to start. Such an optimist perspective!

          Ashton was so not keen on making this decision that when Thursday came, he still hadn’t chosen. Or maybe in the very back of his head he had all along, but refused to face it. Yet he knew he had to now because his time was running out. Sighing heavily after another day of work he took his phone out and dialled his girlfriend number. He just briefly asked her if he could come at hers tonight and it was no surprise that she agreed. Maybe Ashton should have been a little more enthusiastic at the thought of seeing her, especially after a month abroad. But he had to say, if he had missed her, right now he would have rather avoid her. He knew she wouldn’t take the news he had to tell her too well. He definitely didn’t want another argument.

          That was what he was thinking a couple of hours later when he knocked on her door. She opened rapidly with a wide smile. Ashton half-heartedly returned the gesture. He couldn’t really help himself. She was so beautiful standing there, dressed in white, bringing out her tan skin. Her golden hair was wrapped in a messy bun, even if he knew that was just a very controlled effect in reality. Her wonderful green eyes stared right back at him, shining with a happy glow. He couldn’t stop thinking it was all downhill from here, and that’s why his own smile fade away quickly.

          He tried not to focus on the bad, and to relax at first. It was just the two of them cuddling on her coach with two mugs of tea catching up, talking about their lives, simply enjoying each other company. It felt comfortable and natural. And Ashton already hated himself for knowing he would break this nice moment. But he had to.

          “Hey, about the Gala tomorrow…” he trailed off, still trying to find the right words.

          “Oh yeah!” Olivia jumped in the topic, “I picked a dress and I wanted to check if was okay with what you’re going wear. I mean, it’s a little bit late, but I could still make some modifications if needed.”

          “Liv…” Ashton interrupted her. “I… Hum… There’s been a little problem actually…”

          “What?” she frowned as her smile vanished immediately.

          He already knew he fucked up.

          “Hum… So… My grand-mother told me I couldn’t go with you.” He half lied.

          “What? But… that doesn’t make sense, why would she?”

          She stuck a point, Liv was absolutely perfect and especially by his side on the red carpet. If anything, Mrs Irwin looked almost  _happy_  when Ashton brought Olivia with him the first time. And it said something, because she has never approved any other of her grandson’s decisions.

          “She… kind of forced me to go with someone else?”. His face was already scrunched up like he was preparing for receiving a hit.

          “What?” Olivia exclaimed for the third time, jumping off the coach and starting to pace angrily around the room. “Who? Why? Does she think I’m not good enough for you?”

          Ashton realised the way he said it and how his words could have been taken. He got off the sofa too and gently took her by the shoulders for her to still and look at him.

          “No! No… You’re amazing and she knows it. She… I don’t know actually, but she wants me to bring someone in particular and… you know I can’t go against her orders and this was really a demand I can’t refuse. I’m sorry.”

          Live huffed in annoyance, getting out of his grip and walking again in between the furniture but less pissed than before.

          “It’s just… I get it, okay? But I was looking really forward for this.”

          “I know… I was too” Ashton answered and that was kind of a lie but he didn’t want to acknowledge it.

          “And I was already all prepared!”

          “Liv…” Ashton sighed.

          “I’m mad okay. It’s been so long we didn’t go somewhere together…!” she bichted again.

          Ashton growled under his breath. He didn’t want to hear it. He was pissed too. It’s not like he choose it. Or like it pleased him. He was already angry after that himself, and definitely didn’t need her to whine some more.

          He in a couple of determined strides he reached her again, she was speaking but he didn’t listen and didn’t care. Forcefully, with much energy and emotion, he kissed her. She probably misplaced it and took it for passion. Whatever. Ashton was fine with that as long as she shut up. She let a surprised gasp out but it was muffled in the heated exchange. Ashton took it as an opportunity to slide his tongue in her mouth. She kissed back. And he seemed like she got rid of all her anger and it was replaced by a burning desire instantly. Ashton, in his own furious state, walked until Olivia was trapped between him and the wall. She moaned with satisfaction when their crotch got pressed together. She started to undulate her hips against his.

          Ashton reached the back of her tights, as a cue for her to jump, which she did eagerly. He walked them to the bedroom. On the way his both pulled their shirts off, and the rest of their clothes knew the same fate once they were on the bed. All their moves were fast, urged and lustful. Some part of Ashton would have liked it better if it was slow, tender and sweet. He would have like it better if it was a declaration of love, but right know it was more like a declaration of war in disguised.

          It was a selfish act. Even if didn’t want to admit it to himself. Even if he pushed all these thoughts in the back of his head. He was only seeking for taking pleasure and didn’t care about giving it. He knew Olivia was enjoying it though, by the small ‘ah’ and ‘oh’ that excepted her mouth with every one of his trusts. And he hated it. He wanted to mute the scene, to make her shut up, once again. It was like her moaning was too high-pitched, too loud. It made his ears squeaked uncomfortably. And he kissed her angrily to muffled the sounds.

          At some point he thought that it just felt wrong. That maybe they should stop. But he brushed that away. It was probably the best way to sort this situation out anyway. Even if the action went quickly on the whole, it seemed to Ashton that it lasted of a long and agonising time. And yeah, he took pleasure out of it, but the very next second it was washed away by a tide of guilt and sadness.

          They were both catching their breaths, laying side by side on the bed, and it should have been a moment he would felt on top of the world. Happy, relaxed, loved. But he never felt so lonely.

          “That was awesome” Olivia giggled next to him, and the sound made him wince. He didn’t have the heart to lie so his just hummed in response. “I’m gonna take a shower” she then informed him, and he felt a bit relieved that she was leaving the room.

          Once again he felt like he was suffocating. Prisoner of a golden cage. Where he couldn’t complain about anything, because let’s be honest, his life was amazing in anyone else’s eyes. Where he was always surrounded by people but couldn’t trust them because his whole world just smokes and mirrors. Where the sharks swam gently by his side until they found an occasion to bite, for profit or for fun, that didn’t matter. Where there wasn’t any time or any place he could be just himself. Where being himself didn’t seem to be enough.

          By the time Olivia got out of the bathroom, Ashton has curled up on one side of the bed, turning his back to the other. He wished he could have been alone, but he couldn’t. At least, this way she wouldn’t be all cuddled up to him. He needed space. He pretended to be asleep when she got in bed. She placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder before turning the lights off.

          That small gesture tore Ashton’s heart apart. As much as he sometimes wanted to get away, he loved her and she loved him. And maybe their relationship wasn’t at its best, but they could overcome it. He didn’t know how, but he knew it would worth it, because they’ve been so happy together already.

          For a long time, he just laid in bed, thinking over and over again about a million thing. None of this was comforting. It was pretty much the opposite. He felt like crying at some point. But he couldn’t because it wasn’t the right place. He didn’t felt safe. He didn’t felt like he could let go. That seemed to keep him off sleep too.

          Ashton left before Olivia even woke up. He knew she would be disappointed finding his spot empty. But he didn’t have the energy to say any longer, pulling a semi-façade, trying to be someone he wasn’t sure he was, or even could be.

          He showered quickly and left the apartment without eating breakfast. But that didn’t matter much, in a week he became quite used to eat bakeries on the way to the office. He was like he was always trying to avoid someone; his new flatmate, his girlfriend, his family.

          When did his life became an endless game of hide-and-seek?

          He scoffed mentally; it was more like hide and sick. He was so tired of this sick little game everyone seemed to play. He found a bit of comfort thinking it was Friday, it was the end of the week. He could have a small break before he got drawn again in the rough sea of his existence. Even if there was this gala he had to go in addition to his regular hours of work, he was a little glad about it, because gala meant open buffet, and most importantly, open bar. The perspective of liquid happiness and alcoholic eraser at the end of the day made him more optimistic with the night to come. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello !  
> I'm sorry that this chapter is a bit of a filler, but i promise i'll update soon :) Next chapter will be at the gala and is should be interesting so stay tuned (so weird to say that ahah, i don't even know if that correct!... anyways.)   
> I hope you liked this chapter,  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie


	4. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello ! I'm not dead :D  
> I'm sorry this chapter took me so long to be written; though it turned out to be more of an arc. So .. tripple update! Am i forgiven? ^^"

          Luke came back from his first week of course on Friday afternoon. He was a bit tired, but also quite happy. He had to say things went good, for now the lessons were only starting and the teachers didn’t give too much work. He also made friends with a couple of nice people. Even the life at the apartment wasn’t as bad as he thought. He had barely seen Ashton during the week, and somehow it seemed like he was leaving alone. But he knew he wasn’t, and maybe he spent a little more time in his room than before. Yet he felt like life was treating him good, and that was such a delightful thought.

          He threw his backpack on his bed and went back to the kitchen to make himself some tea. It was still early, so he knew he could leisure in the flat for a while before Ashton came back. He was very thankful that all his Friday were free from 3pm. It was great, the week-end could start earlier. 

          Once he had a warm cup of tea in his hands, he walked to the living room and got by the window. For a moment he just stared at the circulation down on the street, not really paying attention. His was just enjoying this stress-free time. Then, his attention got caught by the piano in the corner of his vision. Even if Luke wasn’t an expert in keyboards, he could tell the instrument was beautiful and probably incredibly qualitative and expensive. He got closer and ran his hand on the ivory of the white keys.

          Somewhere in his mind the furious urge to play something, to try the sound, to fill the space with a melody, any melody, took over him. He placed his cup on the coffee table nearby and sat on the bench. He was about to lay his finger on the precious material when he heard the familiar sound of the keys in the lock. He frowned and got up.

          “Ashton?” he asked on his way to the entry.

          He discovered a young man by the door. A bit shorter than him, with a tan skin and raven hair, he was dressed nicely and looked professional.

          “You are not Ashton.” Luke stated, trying not to be too much defensive, but he was still surprised.

          “And you are the asparagus.” The man said with a wide smile, showing a range of bright white teeth. Luke just cocked in eyebrow, not being very offended, but utterly lost.

          “I’m Calum Hood, Ashton’s assistant.” The raven-haired clarified. Damn, does everybody has an assistant nowadays? Or maybe just all the Irwin’s. Calum reached out a hand that Luke shook introducing himself.

          “So you have a name! Ashton only said you were tall and blonde, I started to wonder if you weren’t a sunflower.” Calum said lightly with a chuckle. “Sorry, sorry, I don’t mean it a mean way. It’s actually good to place a face on your name, even though I didn’t know your name. It’s just that I heard about you quite a lot lately.”

          “Ashton talked about me?” Luke asked surprised.

          “Yeah”, Calum shrugged, “it’s more like he complains about his grand-mother acting behind his back.”

          “Oh, I see.” Luke had to admit he feel just a tiny bit disappointed that it was all Ashton said about him. But on the other hand he had to say he felt relieved that he didn’t mention the awkward incident of their meeting. Because, in all honesty, Luke still hasn’t come over the embarrassment of that situation.

          “I’m sorry for him, I didn’t know there was already someone living here.”

          “Don’t worry, I don’t think he is mad at you for anything. His anger his more towards Mrs. Irwin, but he can’t really take it out on her.” Calum good mood seemed to fade away what he said that.

          “So… He might take it out on me? Is that what you’re saying?”

          “No, no.” He reassured him, with a tight smile. “He more the kind of guy who keeps it all inside.”

          “That doesn’t sound very healthy…” Luke trailed off.

          “No. It’s not.” Calum stated with a dark expression crossing momently his face. “Anyway, grab your things, we’re leaving.”

          “We are?”

          “Yep, I’m taking you to the tailor. On Ashton’s demand. He wanted to make sure you had something to wear tonight for the gala.” He giggled after his words like there was some joke only him could understand.

          “Wait. This gala thing is serious? I thought Ashton would bring his girlfriend?”

          Calum shrugged first “Yeah, but Mrs. Irwin wants him to bring you. And don’t say no to Mrs. Irwin.”

          Luke frowned a bit. He got than already, ever since his first meeting with her, and with what Anna had told him. But the sympathy he had for the old lady seemed to fade away with the more he learned about her. Her relationship with Ashton looked complicated and not in favour of the young man. Luke couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for him, and guilty too. He knew he was part of his uneasiness.

          The blond man went to his room grabbed his wallet, keys and phone and got back to Calum. They exited the building together and climbed in the backseat of a black SUV. The driver started right after. It was very odd to Luke, he almost felt like he was kidnaped. But the other hand, it was very comfortable. One thing that strangely reassured him was the music playing. The Young and the Hopeless by good charlotte. Luke started humming along unconsciously, it was one of his favourites. Well he had a lot of favourites, because he just couldn’t choose, there’s was too many good songs out there. But at least, it was one he knew by heart. The thing is that it didn’t match with the whole ‘rich and fancy’ atmosphere that seemed to always be wrapped around Ashton’s world.

          Calum noticed Luke’s interest in the song and asked “You like Good Charlotte?”.

          “Sure! It’s like… a classic.”

          The raven-haired man agreed enthusiastically. Along the ride, they talked more about music. They had almost the same taste, and it was an occasion for Luke to discover a few new bands. Calum was a nice guy, very cheerful and smiley, and quite sassy too. But Luke only found it extremely funny. Just by the small amount of time they’ve been together, he already considered them as friend. It was just easy to be around the kiwi man.

          “It’s my playlist actually” He explained at some point.

          “Wait, you have a car with a driver for you?” Luke question, a bit astonished.

          “Nah, the company has a fleet of cars and drivers for us to go around. So it’s not really my car, nor my driver, but 1200 second’s one.”

          “1200 seconds? Like the newspaper?” Luke’s gears clicked just at this moment. “Oh! I didn’t know that’s where Ashton works.”

          “Really? He didn’t tell you?”

          “Well, no… We didn’t actually have a conversation since the day we meet.”

          “Wow.”, was all Calum said out loud, but Luke could see he was thinking hard. A moment after, the raven-haired man slightly shook his head in disapproval. “He shouldn’t blame you for the event, nor give you this weird silent treatment. But I guess, tonight he will have to talk to you, and hopefully the situation will start getting better.”

          “That would be nice”, Luke nodded. Despites his best effort to pretend he wasn’t affected by the cold feeling surrounding the apartment every time they were both in, trying to avoid each other, that still made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t angry against Ashton, but for some reason Ashton was. But he started to understand, he wasn’t mad at him, but more like at the world or something. That made him curious. Maybe this ‘silent treatment’ only made him want to know more about the complete mystery that was Ashton Irwin.

          Luke contemplated the idea of asking Calum about his boss, but before he could figure out if it was a good move or what question to actually say, they reached their destination. They got out of the car that just dropped them by, and entered a luxury retail building. Calum seemed to know exactly where he was and how to behave, while Luke was left slack-jawed, looking around in daze. He vaguely heard his companion having a conversation with the tailor, or at least the seller, but he wasn’t listening. All the fabric he could see gave him an irrepressible urge to touch it, feel its softness or the delicate relief on it. He knew too well, he couldn’t afford clothes like this, and he really hope it was on Ashton.

          “Luke?”

          The blond was brought back to reality by Calum’s voice. The kiwi man gently guided him through the store and picked up a couple of things before he placed him in the fitting room at the back. Luke let himself be quietly dragged along. He kept looking around with wide eyes. He had this particular feeling of being an elephant in a glass shop, and was extremely careful not to break anything. How could he break fabric? Don’t ask, he didn’t know. 

          Once the curtain got closed on him, Luke was left standing in the small space, a bit dumbfounded. He turned around slowly, and stared at himself in the huge mirror that covered the back wall. In his reflection all he saw was a lost man. All of a sudden he was very self-conscious. His past, his losses, his mistakes, his will to start all over again. And yet here he was, being carry by forces and people he barely knew, and he let it happen again. He frowned deeply. What was he doing? It felt different though… He couldn’t exactly tell how or why. But he had this impression that this time it would be, maybe, a more positive spiral and not a negative one like before.

          Luke shook his head and started to change into the tuxedo that Calum picked for him. It was quite a basic one, black with a white shirt, but also really well made. Its simplicity didn’t take off its quality. Once he was dressed up again he took a seconds to look back in the mirror. It’s been a while a while he hasn’t wear a suit. Last time wasn’t a good memory. But strangely a nice nostalgia crept up in him thinking about it. At this time, he wasn’t happy, but he was still himself, before he got lost, oh-so-lost. He was somewhat glad to be back to this. To be okay with who he was and what he wanted to be. He smiled at himself a little, just on one side, smirking a bit.

          “You’re okay in there?” he heard Calum voice, once again bringing him back to reality. Why was he so lost in his mind and memories all of a sudden?

          “Yes, I’m done” Luke answered and stepped out of the fitting room. At the same time his pushed all his thoughts in the back of his mind. Once again, it wasn’t the moment. And it was never the moment.

          Calum eyed him head-to-toe, a bit sceptical judging by the look on his face. He made a circle around Luke saying “Well, there, you have boarder shoulders than I thought, and we need to do something about your legs too.”

          “What do you mean?”

          But the other man left the room back to the shop without another word. Luke turned around, not knowing what to do with his body. He had to admit he was just a little upset, he thought he looks decent in the suit. Calum got back only a minute or two later, with another set of clothes. This tuxedo had black pants too but slimmer than the previous one. The vest was a light shade of grey this time and had a very subtle chevron pattern.

          Luke changed again, and he was surprise with how better this actually looked. He ran a hand through his messy curly hair. He’s probably going to have to do something with that too. He pushed the curtain back and looked at Calum with a questioning expression. The kiwi man shot his eyes up from his phone, and they went wide open, his mouth opened a bit too. A second or five latter, he seemed to come back to his senses. He whistled slowly.

          “Hey there, handsome.”

          Luke couldn’t help but blushed at the words, but he felt a little uncomfortable too. Looking at his feet, he said “Hum... Thanks, but I’m… not looking for a relationship.” Much to his surprise, Calum laughed at this and answered lightly “Me neither, I have one and it’s already enough.”.  Luke sighed with relief. They both exchange warm smiled before Calum spoke again.

          "I think this one is a keeper.” He said, pointing at the suit.

          Luke nodded and got back in the fitting room to change one last time. Calum helped him pick a pair of black shoes to match and luckily he paid for the items. During their shopping and on the way back, he asked Luke a couple of questions about him, like what was he doing in life, where was he from giving his accent. It was just a bit of small talk and joking around. Luke didn’t like that much talking about himself and brought back the conversation on music once there where in the car.

          Calum presence was refreshing and Luke really appreciated his company. When the car dropped him by the apartment in Belgravia, he felt a bit a bit sad. He knew he would only leave a nice and friendly atmosphere to dive in a cold and unwelcoming one. The kiwi man seemed to catch on what was going in his mind.

          “Hey, Ashton is probably there already, so maybe you should try to talk to him before the gala.” He said with a very kind tone and a warm smile.

          Luke only nodded small. They made their goodbyes and the blond left the black vehicle.  In the lobby he waved at Mr. Sana, the concierge, who was on the phone. Whenever he left or entered the building, Luke never failed to acknowledge him in some way. To him, it was only being polite, little did he know he was the only one who actually did it. He reluctantly made his way upstairs, holding on his new suit as if it would shield him, or give him any courage to face what was waiting for him.

          But stepping in the loft, Luke wondered why he was so afraid. Is not like Ashton would hurt him or anything. Actually, they would go to some mundane even together, which didn’t sound that bad. Sure, that was a first for Luke. So he couldn’t help but feel a bit concerned that he wouldn’t fit in and that everybody would be judging him. At the same time, he felt really curious to know what the evening could be like and how high society was from the inside. For a second he wondered if it would be like gossip girl drama, not that he watched the show, but you know, everybody stumbles on an episode once in his life. But he figured out the very next second that it wouldn’t be like that. Reality and fiction weren’t the same thing. Reality was way uglier.

          As usual, the apartment seemed to be empty, Ashton was probably there, but on the mezzanine, and silent. Luke made his way to his room, unpacked the suit and started to get ready. It was already more than 5pm and according to Calum, they should leave by 6:30. And, well, Luke was the kind of guy that spend a lot of time in the bathroom. He took a shower, shaved and started to style his hair up. He tried to slicked them back neatly and that already took him plenty of time. But in the end he didn’t like the result, finding it too strict and a bit ridiculous on him because it was just not his style. He sighed and run mechanically his hand through his gelled hair. It made a couple of curls fall back on his front, definitely indomitable. Looking at his reflection for what seemed the hundredth time of the day he figured out it wasn’t so bad this way.

          “Luke? You’re ready? We’re leaving in 15 minutes.”

          Ashton voice echoed in the apartment, most likely from the top of the mezzanine. Luke shouted back that he was ready, even he wasn’t totally. He gave one last look in the mirror, put perfume on his neck and dressed up, a bit a hurry, trying not to touch his hair anymore.

          He got out of his room took his personal effects and stepped in the open living space a pick of stress rushing through his veins. He didn’t want to be nervous, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to make a good impression on Ashton, as if would help easy a bit the everyday tension. He wanted to learn more about that guy that clearly changed his live, because look at where he was and what he was wearing, yet he barely knew him. Ironically he felt closer to Calum that he met a couple of hours ago. That had to change, Luke decided.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Are you ready for this Gala thing? (I tease it, but i'm not even sure why...)  
> Thoughts on Calum character? And Malum in this story? And Cake?  
> I hope you liked this chapter, even nothing major is happening.  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie


	5. Dilemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of this Gala thing i made a mouth to write ._. Also it's not only because it was longer, uni got me also really busy.... Anyway, enjoy this chapter :)

          Ashton was sitting one of the navy blue sofa, lazily scrolling down on his phone. He was wearing an olive green shirt under a black jacket that clearly put an emphasis on his muscular stature. His black slacks were clinging to his tights and Luke had to admit it did something to him. From his point of view, the blond man could see how Ashton’s curls felt down around his face in graceful waves. He wanted so bad to touch them and ran a hand through them, much like Ashton did himself when he was upset. Instead Luke only cleared his throat loud enough to make the other man react.

          Ashton hazel green eyes landed on Luke but he seemed quite unfazed. Luke was a bit upset, he expected a comment of some sort. But Ashton only stayed silent. He got up and made his way toward the entry, the other in his footsteps. In the elevator, the tension grew so sick it was tangible. Luke felt like he had to say something and break the ice. It was high time.

          “So… I met Calum today, he’s really nice.”

          Ashton eyed him for a second, and smiled oh-so-lightly it was barely perceptible. “Yes, he is. He is a bit weird too, and annoying sometimes but in the end he is that kind of person you can’t help but like.”

          There was a fond look in his eyes while he was talking about his assistant that made Luke understand immediately that their relation has more to do with friendship than with mere colleagues. He nodded and for a moment felt like the conversation died already. But he wasn’t about to give up that easily.

          “He told me you work at 1200 seconds, I didn’t know.”, he smiled.

          The honey-coloured-haired man seemed surprise by this information. “I’m sorry, I thought you would have known.”

          “It doesn’t matter, it’s just that I don’t know much about you.”

          “There’s not much to be said.” Ashton maintained sternly.

          “I beg to differ”, Luke mutter for himself as the elevator dinged, covering his voice and signalling they have reached the ground floor. When they walked through the lobby, he said with a smile “Goodnight Mr. Sana.”.

          “Goodnight Mr. Hemmings”, the concierge responded automatically. He was bizarre for Luke that the Indian man always seemed to be here no matter the hour of the day, and maybe night as well. He was pretty much like a NPC. He figured out he must be living in this building too, having an official residence with the job, or something.

          “It’s just Luke, I told you.” The blonde said warmly. He has already pronounced this sentence at least a dozen times. It was almost like a ritual between them now. Luke liked it, he made him feel as if there was someone waiting for him home. Rituals had this kind a natural, welcoming, easy feeling that made him feel safe. He thought it was probably universal anyway.

          Luke wasn’t surprised to see a black SUV waiting for them in front of the door. He got in, following Ashton. As earlier that day, the car started right away, without anyone giving directions, but this time no music was playing and it didn’t help easing the situation. Surprisingly Ashton talked first, but he kept his eyes riveted straight ahead.

          “You know his name? The concierge I mean.” He half stated, half questioned.

          “Yes. Didn’t you?”

          Ashton shrugged and glance at the window. He answered a moment later “I’ve heard his name before, but I wouldn’t have been able to tell you if you would have asked.”

          Silence stretched for a while after. Luke could see Ashton was thinking hard, his eyebrows knotted together while he looked at the traffic outside. He thought it was better to let him alone for now. The ride was shorter than Luke expected. Maybe because it hit him that he wasn’t sure he was ready. The thick feeling of anxiety kicked back in, stronger than ever. The older man seemed to sense it because he finally looked at him and … smiled. That was a first. But let’s not be fooled by it. The bemused smirk, with a bit an arrogance in it, was nothing like a warm gesture. Luke notice his eyes stayed invariably dull.

          “They’re not going to bite you…” he trailed off, almost reassuring. Then said “They’ll be much more devious.” He laughed a bit and got out the car without a glance back at Luke.

          The blond man stayed a bit stunned and divinely panicky. After a couple of seconds, or maybe minutes, he couldn’t tell, the driver cleared his throat a bit loudly. Oh right, he had to step outside of the vehicle. Luke reluctantly exited the car and walked around it to reach the entrance of the gala. As cliché as it could be, a red carpet had been rolled out and photographer were massed on each side. The cameras’ flash rattled. Luke blinked a couple of time, adjusting to the sudden amount of light. Ashton was already way ahead of him walking by the end of the carpet where a blank wall served as background for the pictures. A blonde and tall women dressed in a fancy peach-coloured grown was now posing, Ashton in line to be the next.

          Luke started walking on the carpet, feeling extremely nauseous. He focused on not stumble or cry because of the flashes. By the time he was at the end, Ashton was done with the photography and Luke just by-passed to whole posing thing to follow him inside. From the very corner of his eye he could see people exchanged questioning looks in the crowd of paparazzi.

          Once inside the luminous ambiance was back to normal and Luke had to blinked a couple of time again to be able to see everything clearly. Ashton, on his side, seemed unfazed and started walking in a huge reception hall. The whole decoration was in navy blue and pearly white. Round tables for height people were display in the vast room, all covered by thick tablecloths, a first blue one that touched the floor, and a second, shorter and immaculate one. They were set with beautiful crockery and silverware. Luke thought that just this items, would already worth more than all his belongings. In the back off the room, a stage was closed for now by black curtains and slightly lit up with dim spots. Finally, on the left side of the room, in between large white columns a buffet was set up, waiters and waitresses formally dressed on the other side. The most of people were actually next to It, even if other small groups were chatting standing between the tables.

          Ashton walked to the buffet and Luke tried to follow, but he was spinning his head all around, taking in the sight of such luxury.

          “Close your mouth”, he heard his flatmate say.

          Indeed, Luke’s lips had parted lightly without him noticing. He pursed his lips tightly, but kept looking at the room in haze. So that he missed the amused and kind look Ashton was sending him, one corner of his lips turned up.

          Luke discovered that Ashton was leading them to Calum. The kiwi man was already in a discussion with someone else. Luke was very surprise to see the man had red dyed hair and an eyebrow pierced, which contrasted highly with his all black tuxedo.

          “Hey, Luke!” greeted Calum. “This is Michael, my fiancé”, he introduced pointing at the stranger.

          “Oh!” exclaimed the blond, recalling he mentioned being in a relationship earlier. “Nice to meet you.”

          “Same.” Michael send him _that_ look, he almost became used to, gauge him head-to-toe. But this time, the glance was kinder, malicious.

          The three men started a conversation about the journal, 1200 seconds, and Luke understood they were all working together. He felt a bit a part, not really knowing what to say, or even if he could be part of the discussion. Calum seemed to notice his discomfort, because soon he took him by the arm and lead to the buffet. The kiwi boy had an empty glass of champagne he traded for two filled ones. He gave on to Luke who accepted gladly. A bit of liquid courage was welcome. He took also one of the petit-four on display. They were so well presented, so pretty, he almost didn’t want to bite in. But he did and had no regret: this, no matter what is was because honestly he couldn’t tell, tasted amazing.

          After they both drank a sip, Calum asked, “So, how is the situation with Ashton.”

          “Not better” Luke shrugged “Not worst neither though. He just keeps on pushing me aside or ignore me.”

          “And?” Calum question further felling there was more the blond didn’t say.

          “I… Nothing.”

          “Luke, you can tell me. I’m on your side, you know.”

          “Yeah as if. He is your friend and your boss, you barely know me for a day.”

          Luke turned his heels and went through the packed crowd that was now formed around the buffet. He didn’t really want to go back to Ashton and Michael. So he just wandered across the room, half hidden by a column. He studied the environment for a while. On the outside it seemed so much like a policed, polished, polite evening. With all the gowns and the suits, the brilliant shine of jewellery and fancy watches, the white smile and the discrete laughs.

          But he frowned remembering Ashton words… “They’ll be much more devious”. Watching closely, he could see most of the laughs and the smiles were fake. He could see the appearance was just a way to brag. He could see all the judgemental looks, barely hidden, crossing the room.

          What Luke hasn’t said to Calum, is that he felt some sympathy toward Ashton despite their cold interactions. He could tell Ashton wasn’t okay with the situation and that the problem was deeper than that. Yet he didn’t know how deep, and didn’t want to dig in something he shouldn’t.

          The very second Luke questioned if he could ditch the gala now that he has been seen in, someone made their appearance by the entry, close to where Luke was standing. There hasn’t been much entrance lately, he even though no one would come anymore. But he recognized her immediately. Mrs. Irwin wore a wonderful black dress, very simple, almost strict, but the sobriety of the design made a powerful elegance emanate of her. When she crossed his glance she gave him a short nod and then left to greet a group not far.

          Luke kept going back and forth between the buffet and the column. He was quite bored at the moment, but he also knew it was his fault, because he was avoiding the only people he knew there. He was considering returning to Ashton and his friends when, once again, the silhouette of Mrs. Irwin changed his mind. She was coming to him. He straightened and swallowed with difficulty.

          “Luke. You are the one I was looking forward to see here.” She smiled at him. Forced, he could tell.

          “Mrs. Irwin, it’s a pleasure to see you again.” He tried to be very polite when addressing to her. In the back of his mind all of the people who told him she couldn’t take ‘no’ as an answered were choiring their warnings.

          “I suppose you have questions as to why I rent you the apartment while my grand-son is already leaving in.”. Luke nodded and she went on, “You see, Ashton is my heir, and he carries with him the image and the future of my companies. But lately this image has been compromised by his behaviour. Ashton was seen in a more than drunken state already too many time, and especially during this kind of even, where decency is required.”

          She had a stern looked on her face and lips pursed. Just talking about it seemed to made her very angry.

          “I’m not sure I understand Mrs. Irwin. What is my role in this?”

          “Luke, the point in you living with Ashton, is that you can survey him. Bring him back home if he is not capable of by myself. Take care of him when he crosses this line. You see?”

          “You… You want be to Ashton’s sober coach?”

          “Call it as you want. I just want Ashton not to be in compromising states.”

          She was about to leave him when spoke again, beside his best instinct and he regretted it quickly after.

          “I’m not sure I can do this, Mrs. Irwin.”

          “Then you’ll have to leave the apartment.” Seeing the way Luke’s jaw dropped and eyes widen, she detailed more “It’s in your contract if you wonder. And there is a confidentiality clause too. You cannot make any statement about the Irwin family or their companies without our prior approval.” She took a step closer to Luke and said in a low tone “If you need more convincing, just know that I wouldn’t rent that apartment to anyone and I made my research on you. I know how much you want this start over here, it would be too bad if all your efforts for a second chance were vain, wouldn’t it?”

          The old lady left and Luke just stood there, tetanized as a deer caught in car headlights. She knew about his past and she wasn’t afraid to use it as a weapon against him. Damn! How stupid he has been. Obviously she would know, or learn it somehow. Obviously, she wouldn’t hear ‘no’.

          After a minute of intense thinking, Luke figured out she didn’t know everything, because then she wouldn’t have asked him that. Or, probably not, at least. And Luke wasn’t sure he could do it. Be Ashton’s sober coach. The mere thought of it, ignited horrible memories. But let be honest, he had no choice.

          Luke was brought out of his trance when someone spoke trough the microphone on the stage to tell the crowd to sit down. He quickly returned to Ashton Michael and Calum while they were making their ways to a table on the right side of the room. He sat between Ashton and his assistant, Michael on the other side of his fiancé. Two couples in their forties or fifties joined them, they seemed to be friends already and started a discussion on their own right away. In the end it was more like two tables of four, than a table of height. But Luke wasn’t complaining, he was more comfortable like this if anything.

          The blond man didn’t really know what a ‘gala’ was and how it would go, so he discovered this was some kind of diner. On the stage, took place a variety of speeches, presentation, artistic performance. In between the food was served at their table, and it was delicious. Michael and Calum were really nice to Luke, always telling him who was peaking, and making funny comments about them. They told him a bunch of anecdotes that never failed to make the young man laugh. Luke as especially relieved that Calum wasn’t upset at him after his outburst earlier.

          But beside all their effort, Luke was always a bit absent-minded. He was thinking about Mrs. Irwin dilemma. He also kept a discrete eye on Ashton. He wasn’t sure his count was right because of how distracted he was, but he knew the older man had at least 3 glasses of champagne et 2 glasses of martini. On the whole Ashton didn’t talk much, but didn’t seemed to bored neither. He joked a couple of time with his friends during the meal.

          Luke figured out Ashton was more of ‘happy drunk’ guy. He laughed more loudly by the time, and the couple from the other and of the table send him some reproving looks. But the blond had to say, seeing Ashton in a more relaxed and funny state, wasn’t too bad. Actually Ashton’s smile and laugh had quite a charm of their own. Luke didn’t like being around drunk people because they were unpredictable, impulsive and could turn violent very easily. But Ashton didn’t seem like that type, alcohol just made him more open, if anything.

          The meal was over and a man told in the microphone that dessert would be served by the buffet. People started to stand up and make their way to the left side of the room again. Luke took that as an opportunity to excuses himself to the bathroom. He could have rave about the luxury of the place again, but his mind was miles away from this kind of thing. He started to pace in the room. He had to make a decision now about what he was going to do.

          His first instinct would have been to run away. And leave the apartment even if he had nowhere else to go. He was very afraid of dealing with a drunken Ashton who he barely knew. Yet, as far he has seen tonight, he didn’t seem to be too bad, in this intoxicated state. And maybe the possibly to give up his roof was there, but in any realistic approach, he couldn’t afford to lose the flat. Would he be strong enough to be a sober coach? He doubted it. It’s not like he has ever done that before, if anything, it was more the opposite. Did he wanted to try, at least?

          Luke let the question sink in his mind. His thought about his past and how ironic the actual situation was. What a twist of fate. The blond men blinked a couple of times. He wasn’t one to believe in fate, but the recent events were so odd it made him change his mind a bit. Maybe that was his chance to repay for his mistake? And to overcome his fear? Turned a page and move forward?

          On the whole, Mrs. Irwin barely even give him a choice, and if that would probably be tough for him, it could also help Ashton. Luke nodded at himself in the mirror of the fancy bathroom. He made a decision. He would try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i guess real shit starts now :D Are you excited? I am! :D hehe  
> I hope you like this chapter,  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie


	6. Space Invader

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapter so far! :D I hope you'll like it as well, enjoy !

     Coming back to the reception room Luke saw from afar his landlady exiting the gala, with a smug expression of her face. He definitely has lost all compassion for her. The table he used to sit at with Ashton and his friends was now empty. Luke searched the crowd and spotted a mop a honey-coloured curls he recognized right away. Approaching Ashton, he heard him laugh loudly and the man who he was chatting with seemed to be a little embarrassed at the situation, shifting his weight from on leg to another.

     “Would you excuse me, sir, I’m borrowing this gentleman here”, Luke apologized with his best smiled to the relieved-looking man. He took Ashton by the arm and started to lead them out of the packed crowd.

     “Hey there, space invader.”, the older man said with a giggle.

     Luke was left a bit taken aback. Since when did Ashton giggle? Especially in such a high-peached tone? Yet it was rather cute on him, if Luke had to tell. And what was this weird nickname? Was Ashton even referring to him?

     “Space invader?”

     “Yeah. Coz’ you know; you invaded my space…” Ashton laugh out loud like it was the funniest thing ever. Luke on the other end frowned and found it a bit sad.

     “I didn’t mean to…” he answered lowly. He took the half empty glass of champagne Ashton had in his hand and place it the tray of a nearby waiter.

     “I saw you talk with the gorgon.”

     “The gorgon?”

     What the hell, it was really hard to follow Ashton’s discourse right now.

      “You know, Carol Irwin, the infamous Carol, Irwin, A.K.A. my grand-mother.” The drunken man said with weird intonations, like he was telling a secret and like he was introducing a catch player at the same time. If that made sense. No that didn’t, but drunk people don’t usually make sense.

     “Wait, do you have nicknames like that for everyone?”

     “Yep!” Ashton cheered with a huge smile, proud of himself like a five year-old with some ugly, self-made mother day’s present.

     Luke chuckled a bit at his childish attitude. He hasn’t realized but, with their walk, they went at end the end of the room, next to the entrance, or well, the exit now. Maybe it was better to actually call it a night.

     “Let’s go home, shall we?” Luke asked with an inviting smile.

     Ashton paused and lost his smile as he looked at the blond like he just discovered he was standing by his side. Then he slowly nodded and took his phone out of his pocket. He texted something really short. Luke wanted to know what it was, but he also knew it was not his place. When Ashton started walking again he had trouble finding his balance and Luke place a hand on his shoulder to stabilized him and guide him through the lobby. Once they reached the outside, the cool air hit their faces, and then Luke realized how hot it was inside. The photographers were gone, the red carpet too. The building was now very much like any other, if you forget the line of back cars aligned on the sidewalk.

     Luke figured out he had no idea how they were going to come back to the flat, and thought about calling a cab. But as if on cue, a black S.U.V. made a stop at their level. Ashton got in right away, as well as his uncoordinated limbs would allow him to. Luke followed him, and had to help him buckle up his seatbelt, which Ashton seemed to find very funny, because he couldn’t stop laughing.

     After a moment though he calmed down and lean his head against the window. Not a minute later he was asleep. Luke only noticed when the car stopped by their building. He gently shook Ashton awake, with the only result of earning a groan.

     “Ashton. Ashton! We’re home.”

     “m’tired…”, he mumbled without opening his eyes.

     “I know, that why you have to go to bed.”

     “m’ in bed”

     “No, Ashton, you’re in a car.”

     “I don’t belieb’ you”

     Luke chuckled despite himself. “You’re stubborn, aren’t you?”. Ashton groaned again, and curled himself on the side, turning his back to the blond man. Luke sighed and got out of the car, he walked to the other side of the vehicle and opened brutally the door. Ashton fell for a second before he woke up with a start. He glared at Luke who looked down at him with a shit-eating grin. “I can be stubborn too.”. Ashton reluctantly got out of the car, stumbling. Luke helped him and ended up supporting half of his weight, an arm under his shoulders. Ashton wasn’t particularity light, and Luke’s fit condition was well needed to carry him to the elevator. On the way, the blond noticed Mr. Sana wasn’t there. It was obvious he wouldn’t be here 24/7, but it was the first time Luke crossed the lobby without him being here.

     It wasn’t a piece of cake to get thought the apartment and climb upstairs considering Ashton state. In the end, Luke almost threw him on his bed, giving the lack of cooperation of the drunken man. He didn’t protest though, just shifted a bit to lay on his back, diagonal on his king-size bed.

     Luke realized it was the first time he was in Ashton’s room. It was the same size as his, but while the one downstairs was all white and beige, this one was decorated with green, brown and black hues. It has mysterious atmosphere, like an old 19th century tapestry depicting fantasy, exotic, lush forest. While he was roaming the room his eyes, he though Ashton had felt back asleep, but he was proven wrong when a voice started humming. Luke turned around, his eyebrow raised high, looking at the man laying with his eyes half-opened. He couldn’t catch half of the words at the beginning, but as the song went on, Luke recognized it.

     “.. trust … ‘at voice in ‘ur head, …’at your world is not …’at it seems.  It's not the ‘onster under ‘ur bed, It's … one with you in the sheets… It's hard enough just making money… It's hard enough just trying to feel… alive...”

     Comparing to the original song, the rhythm was awfully slow, agonizing almost. And Ashton’s wavering voice made it look even more desperate. Yet Luke found it beautiful. It was raw, with lots of imperfections, but it ignited something deep inside of him. A little flame, he thought had died long ago.

     “Meanwhile our fever is running… And the kings bow down… to the dollar sign… don't ask me…. don't ask me to change…  change …”

     A tensed silence charged with electricity filled the room. Ashton had now he eyes completely open, staring at the white high ceiling without any expression. Almost like he was dead. Luke was standing by the side of the bed, looking at him, all his senses heightened and he heart beating fast.

     “Giants thinks the words is theirs.” Luke began, his own voice was shaking, even he wasn’t drunk the slightest. It’s been a while he hasn’t sing. He had only started again to hum along to the songs recently. Ashton blinked and tried to look at the blond, even if it was hard given his position.

     “But I have a hand full of magic beans…” Luke went on with the same slow, fragile rhythm. “And there's a rain that's… in my head… If you want a storm …. come dance with me… It's hard enough just making money… It's hard enough just trying to feel… alive. Meanwhile our fever is running… and kids bow down to the bottom line… But don’t ask me … don’t make me to change… change … It’s up to you.”

     Luke turned his heels and was about to leave the room when he heard “don’t” being whispered. Ashton was looking at him intensely.  “Don’t go. Keep singing”. For a while nothing happened. Luke was frozen on his spot, blinking as if he couldn’t proceed the simple words. “Please”, Ashton mumbled. At a very slow pace Luke made his way to the bed and sat, a bit weirdly, on the space felt beside Ashton.

     Out of nowhere a memory of earlier today flashed back. He smiled small and started a new song. Just like before he turned it in a lazier version, it could have been a lullaby maybe, if it wasn’t for such violent lyrics.

     “Hard days made me…. Hard nights shaped me. I don't know they somehow saved me… And I know I'm making something … out of this life they call nothing. And if I make it through today… will tomorrow be the same?... Am I just running in place? … And if I stumble … and I fall… Should I get up …and carry on? ... Or will it all just be the same?”

     Luke was staring at the wall in front of him, where a nice painting was hung, but he wasn’t even looking at it. His mind was full of images that came to the surface after having trying to bury them deep down. He didn’t see that Ashton was falling asleep to the sound of his voice, being fascinated by all the emotions it carried. He didn’t see the drunken man was somehow sober enough to notice the sadness, the anger, the guilt, swirling in his blue eyes. He didn’t see that is what the last thought of his night, and the last sight he closed his eyes on.

     “'Cause I'm young… and I'm hopeless… I'm lost … and I know this. I'm going nowhere fast that's what they say… I'm troublesome … I've fallen… I'm angry at…  my fathers. It's me against this world … and I don't care. I don't care. No, I don’t care…”

 

     Ashton was woken up next morning by the light getting through the high window. Oh god, why was it so bright? And his head was aching hard. He has known worst hangovers, but it was still not a pleasant thing. He sighed has he run a run over his face. He was laying in weird position over the covers. Still dressed with the shirt and slacks he wore the day before. He sat up with great difficulties, felling his spinning around. He saw a glass of water and painkiller on the nightstand. He swallowed the pill thinking that he was definitely not the one who placed it there.

     Slowly he began to recall the previous night. He went to the Marvaux’ Gala with Luke, like his grand-mother had asked him to. She was there too, but didn’t give him a spare glance during the all night. He drank, quite a lot, and then… It was quite a blur…. Until … Until an image flashed. His room, in the dark, only lit by the exterior lights, and Luke… Luke singing with sad eyes but a mesmerizing voice. Goosebumps cover his arms at this memory. Wow. How did they end up there? Ashton wasn’t too keen on letting people in his room. He knew his drunken self was more friendly, even touchy, and quite enterprising, so he shouldn’t be too surprised that this happened. Yet he was.

     Finally standing up, his hand holding his head, got out of his room at the pace of a snail. He saw his vest draped on a chair, and his shoes standing by the foot of the bed, and he almost stumbled on them. He realized, Luke had taken good care of him, with his clothes and the pills. Damn, that guy seemed to be really nice. Too bad, Ashton kept on pushing him away, because he was angry at his family. He felt guilty about it. Guilty that Luke was always nice to him went he was only cold, and guilty that Luke had to see him in his intoxicated state, and take care of him.

     As he made his way to the kitchen, he wondered his Luke saw it a one-time thing, because it was the gala. It was not, it was very usual. What would Luke think if he knew? Maybe he would grow tired of him, and would leave the apartment? Yeah… Ashton wanted to smile at this thought but in the end he only felt a twinge in his heart. Despite telling everybody he wanted Luke out... was it true anymore? It felt nice to have someone who was there and who took care of him.

     There used to be a time when Calum was the one he called when his drunken state wouldn’t allow him to even walk out of the bar. But Ashton had stopped now, because Calum had his own life, with Michael and all, and he couldn’t always be at his service. That was not part of his job. He had call Olivia once. But seeing how she scowled him the next morning, he hasn’t done it anymore. Not calling anyone was probably the most dangerous thing to do, but he didn’t want to feel like burden on everybody’s shoulder.

     Ashton felt even more guilty seeing breakfast was waiting for him in on the counter. Some green smoothie and toast. It wasn’t much, but damn, it felt incredibly heart-warming. In the back of his head he thanked his hangover, because if his was still drunk he would have cry over the gesture. Though, his headache made him incredibly grumpy.

     He started to drink the smoothie, trying to figure out was it was made of, when he heard the sound of the keys in the door. He turned around to see Luke entering the flat. He was wearing training clothes and they were drench in sweat. Clearly he went for a run. Huh, too healthy, too early. The blond took his earbud out and greeted “Hey!” quite loudly.

     “Shhhh”, groaned Ashton whose head didn’t appreciate the intense sound.

     “Oops, sorry… Hello.”, corrected Luke with the minimum volume. He made his way to the counter and sat on the stall next to his flatmate. “How are you feeling?”

     “Hungover.”

     “That, I could tell.” Luke chuckled, careful not to be too loud. “I put painkiller on your nightstand.”

     Ashton nodded “Yeah, I took some. Thanks.”

     “Your welcome. Well, when you’ll feel better, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you”, the blond said with a kind tone.

     Ashton was surprised and curious of what it could be. Was Luke actually leaving because of his behaviour, as he thought it could happen?

     “You can tell me now.”

     “You sure...?” asked Luke cautiously, fidgeting with the keys in his hands.

     “Yep. Go ahead.”

     “So… hum… when you were drunk last night, I don’t know if you remember, but you saw me talking with your grand-mother and you asked what she told me. But I didn’t answer, because I’d rather have this conversation with a sober you.”, he introduced the topic carefully.

     A couple of image got the surface in Ashton’s memory. He frowned a bit, remembering now. “And what has she told you?”

     “She… she gave me the reason why she rent the apartment, knowing you were already living in here.”

     “And that is?” question Ashton. He could felt irritation grow in him already. Not toward Luke, even if the suspense the blond was building didn’t really help, but more toward his grand-mother. She hasn’t even told him when he asked. She hasn’t talk to him last night. No she didn’t care about her grand-son, but she was ready to tell Luke, a complete stranger.

     “She wants me to keep you out of drunken states, basically she made me you sober coach.”

     “What?”

     So she knew? Ha, well didn’t she knew everything. She knew he was drinking more than he should on a regular basis, and her only answer to that was to basically hire someone to leave with him. That’s sick. That’s exactly the kind of thing she would do, though.

     “Hum… She kinda threatened me to kick me out of the flat if I would say no. So… yeah.” A blush coated Luke’s cheeks while he was explaining the situation.

     “Obviously she did.” Ashton rolled his eyes so hard, it actually made the headache worst. “Well good luck with that.”

     Ashton got off his stall and went straight to his room, slamming the door, like an angry teenager. He immediately regretted it. First because the sound echoed in his head of at least ten good seconds. And secondly, because he knew it was immature, childish and very unfair to Luke. Hasn’t he told himself just minutes before that he would stop push the guy away? But he wasn’t sure he could bare to have his privacy so invaded. Yeah, they say it’s for his own good. But he couldn’t help but see Luke as another spy of his family whose eyes would be on him 24/7.

     He fell face first on his bed. He fell back asleep. Diametrically opposed to the dreamless night he just had, his rest was filled with images mixed between memories and dark projections of the future. Dreams or nightmares, where the blond figure of Luke morphed into his grand-mother’s one; where Olivia, Calum and Michael were having dinner together to talk on Ashton’s back and make fun of him; where he was drowning in a sea of golden complexion with delicate sparkles and an alcoholic taste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, Lashton is slowly starting to happen. What do you think about it? How do you see it evolve next? Let me know! :D  
> Also i'm sorry to tell you the next update might be in a month... I know this is a long time but i have big exams to prepare so i'm really sorry and i hope i'll see you when i'll be back :)  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie


	7. Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the long wait but here is a new chapter :) Hope you'll like it

          Ashton woke up for the second time of the day and checked the hour lazily. He had to actually glance a couple of time before he could process fully the information. 1:14 PM. It tilled in his head even a couple of seconds later. Shit! He was supposed to meet Olivia for lunch… He groaned, the sound muffled by the covers, before reluctantly getting out of bed. The headache was gone now, but he still felt a bit dizzy. He took a shower without even rushing himself, it was already too late so what? He felt better once he was washed and dressed up in fresh clothes. He stepped out of his room wondering where Luke was and if he would have to face him after their small fight, or whatever it was, this morning. He checked the living area from the mezzanine and was relieved to find it empty. Luke’s bedroom door was closed so he supposed, the blond man was in it.

          Ashton was by Olivia’s door by 2PM, with a flowers in one hand and apologies in the other. His girlfriend stood in the frame of the door with a pissed expression on her face. She took the flowers angrily and got in her apartment without a word. Ashton went inside too, and closed the door behind him, not very sure what else to do. Olivia came back to him after putting the flowers in water. She crossed her arms on her chest and look at him with burning eyes.

          “You didn’t answer any of my calls.”, she accused, “And you stood me up!”.

          “I’m so sorry Liv… I overslept after the gala and…”

          “Yeah”, she cut in, “that gala you seemed to had a lot of fun at for someone who wasn’t with his girlfriend.”

          Was she insinuating that he cheated on her or something? Ashton wouldn’t have been so surprised she came to that conclusion, actually. He never really told her about his drinking problem, she didn’t know how many nights he ended up drunken as hell. The only time he called her and she picked him up for a bar, she scowled him and bitched about it for a whole week. So he always kept that away from her. Now he couldn’t say that he had a sober coach, that would have made no sense.

          “Well I wasn’t alone…” He started but was cut again when Olivia glared at him with such intensity and huffed. “No! No! I mean, I was with Cal and Mike and it wasn’t that bad, but obviously it would have been better if you were there”. He tried to catch up, but it sounded so fake to his own ears. To be honest, now that he was thinking about it, he’d rather have Luke than Olivia by his side for the gala. He frowned thinking about that realization. When did such a twist happened?

          “Yeah… I’m sure that girl you were _forced_ to be with was such an unpleasant company!” she said with sarcasm dripping in her voice.

          “What?! Liv, what are you talking about? It’s a guy.”

          “What? Why does your grand-mother want you to bring a guy? Is he gay?”

          “Wh….” Ashton was left taken aback by the question. He frowned. “No, it’s not that. I mean, maybe, I don’t know. She just wanted him to agree on some business deal.” That wasn’t even a lie. Or well, a white lie maybe.

          “I’m sure he’s gay. That’s why she did that. Did he agree, thought?”

          Ashton was utterly lost in that conversation. She didn’t seem to be angry at him anymore. And, even more strange, she usually didn’t really care and ask that much questions. He left out a heavy sigh and run a hand through his hair mechanically.

          “When did she not had what she wanted?”

          “Good.” Olivia smiled. Weirder and Weirder. “So it was just a one-time thing.”

          Oh. So that was what she was really mad about. She wanted to be seen with him on red-carpets and if she lost a media position, obviously she would be pissed. Ashton resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Also he wasn’t too sure if it was a one-time thing or not actually.

          “Of course it was” he sighed, he’d better tell her was she wanted to hear. “But Liv, please just dropped the topic, it’s going nowhere. Let’s just spend some nice time together, okay?” he said in a soothing manner.

          In the end, they spend the after-noon together. They just lazily binge watched a show and commented stupid things now and then. They were cuddled up to each other comfortably. Ashton was a bit relieved that it didn’t led to any further action, because he was definitely not in the mood. Olivia asked him if he stayed for dinner, and he answered positively even if he didn’t really want to. He knew he had to make up for the lunch, and that if he disagreed it would probably lead to another fight.  They stayed in and order Japanese. They held a light conversation, both making visible effort to be nice and not argue again.

          Even if on the whole it was a nice after-noon, Ashton felt unburden when he finally escaped his girlfriend’s flat. He went outside and let the fresh air of the night hit his face. He walked without thinking about his destination, his feet seemed to know the way. His mind was full with other considerations. Like his relationship with Olivia. He was slowly figuring out that he thought about the time they spent together more as chore than as a pleasure. It made him feel sad. He wondered for the umpteenth time when it went wrong and what he did so bad? But the answer didn’t come, it never did.

          Ashton looked up to see the familiar sign of the “Madd Pub”. Since he found the place a bit more than two months ago, he came here regularly.  He pushed the door and took a quick look around. The pub could seem a bit disreputable, old, and unwelcoming from the outside. But Ashton was very glad he still entered the first time. The inside was strangely warm and comfortable, no sell of spilled beer, no sticky floor, no insulting shouts crossing the room. The people here were mostly regulars, who came for the precious atmosphere that laid in here. The pub exhaled a lazy, cosy and plush ambiance. It was reinforced by the dark and warm wooden floor, walls and furniture all around. The only thing that clashed with it, were maybe the bartenders. The Madd brothers were both tall, massive and wore a bicker-like style that could easy freak someone out. Ashton had yet understood soon that on the inside they were incredibly nice.

          He sat on a stool by the bar, and for a moment just listen to the music playing at a low level. That was another thing he like about this pub, the music was good.

          “Whiskey, as usual?” ask Ben, and Ashton pulled out of his thoughts to nod at him.

          Ben brought him the drink soon after. In the last past months, he has seen the young man quite a lot, despite him getting on a quite long trip recently. He knew his name and he knew who he was, heir of the Irwin group. He never really questioned Ashton about anything. He just let him drank his sorrow away. Maybe because it was none of his business, maybe because Ashton would always pay, so who was him to refuse his wish?

          Yet, he often wondered what could bring such a young man to get drunk on such a regular basis. He knew he had a more than wealthy family, and friends who came to pick him up, or well used to. He has asked once if it was a problem of love affair, but the guy said that it wasn’t.

          Ashton wasn’t very talkative on his time at the pub, sober or drunk, he would just sit there, lost in his head. He would make his drink swirl in his glass, run his pointer finger on the rim, and sighed. He sighed a lot. It pained Ben a bit to see the young man being so sad.

          Two hours and height glasses later Ashton left his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was late, and he would usually not get texts at this hour, so he was curious about what it could be. He pulled he device out of his pocked but it slept out of his hold and fell on the floor, nearby his stool. Ashton cussed and plopped down his seat but totter on his leg and almost fell.

          After struggling for a moment he finally got a hold on his phone and stood up. Too fast. His head spun and his body swayed for a while, unable to find a proper balance. Someone put a hand on his shoulder and helped him to sit back. He cognized it was Ben after a couple of seconds.

          “Easy, boy, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

          Ashton grumbled something inaudible and then lit the screen of his phone. He groaned right after, blinded by the amount of light provided compared to the dim ambiance of the pub.

          “What’s written?” he asked in a husky voice to the bartender.

          The man was back behind the bar again and lean on it to read the notification. “Calum send you a text. He says “Luke’s number:”, and the number.”

          Ashton groaned even louder and place his hand on his arm, on the counter, totally unaware that not even a minute before his empty glass stood there and that Ben had taken it away without him noticing.

          “Who’s Luke?” the bartender asked, placing Ashton’s phone by his head. He knew already who Calum was and he was a bit relieved to see that they still had contact, he seemed to be a good friend to Ashton. The young man tried to say something but it ended up all muffled by his arms. “Huh, sorry mate, but you gotta said that to my face.”

          Ashton looked up and repeated “flatmate.”, with a jaded expression and tone.

          “Flatmate? I didn’t know you had a flatmate.”

          “’t’s new.”

          “Okay then. Do you want to call him? He could pick you up.”

          Ashton slowly understood that it was probably the exact reason why Calum had send him the number. He wondered in the back of his head how Calum has got Luke’s number, but brushed it away. He was trying to make a decision about whether or not to call his flatmate. After some long seconds of silence, Ben started to wonder if Ashton had forgotten his question, but the man finally said “yeah”.

          The bartender was kind enough to dial the number for him and hand him the phone after. He pretended not no listen to the conversation, even though he was, but anyway Ashton didn’t even care about it.

          “Hello?”

          “Hi there, Space Invader.”

          “Ashton? Where are you?” Luke questioned and he seemed genuinely concerned.

          “At the Madd pub. Can you pick me up? I’m drunk as fuck” Ashton said and giggled.

          “Dammit!” he heard the blond say and some background noise. “Alright, I’m coming. Don’t move.”

          Ashton nodded, forgetting Luke couldn’t see and hung up. He placed his head back in his arms, sighed heavily and felt asleep shortly after.

 

 

          Luke hung up being a bit afraid of Ashton not doing as told, and change place. But now at least he could call him. He wondered for a seconds why he didn’t ask for his number sooner. But anyway, it was fixed now. With a hundred of concerning questions in his head, Luke flied out of the apartment and grab the first taxi he could. He gave the driver the name of the bar and thankfully, he knew where that was. After a few minutes Luke entered the pub and found his flatmate lying of the counter. The blond hopped he was only asleep and not unconscious. 

          He shook his shoulder, gently at first... then not so much. Ashton groaned in annoyance, but at least Luke was relieved that he reacted.

          “Ashton please, be cooperative, would you?”

          The drunken man seemed to recognize Luke’s voice and rose his head. He smiled brightly at the blond who was surprised yet sent an awkward, hesitant, but slightly amused smile back. Ashton half threw himself at him, hugging Luke for dear life. The abrupt and unexpected gesture almost made Luke lost his balance. “Lukey! You came!” Ashton cheered, but he was too drunk to notice how Luke fiercely blushed.

          The blond patted awkwardly Ashton’s back and pulled him apart. He sighed and shook his head a bit before he inspected Ashton’s face for a while. Seeing the idiot grin he kept on his lips, he sighed again. “Let’s go home, okay?”. The other nodded and docilely follow him outside the bar, waving hapilly at bartender on his way out, even it wasn’t reciprocated by the older man. They got in a cab which Luke asked to wait for a minute.  

          “Ashton? Are you okay?” He asked kindly once the vehicle has stared.

          “Hum, I’m fine.”, Ashton mumbled in answer.

          “Why did you come here tonight?”

          Luke was very aware that he wouldn’t get an answer from Ashton this night. But he thought that he’d better start now, the sooner the better, and with a drunk and more friendly Ashton, maybe he stood a chance. But Ashton was also stubborn, as he already proved. Despites the fact that he had a warmer attitude when intoxicated, he was still very secretive and attached to keep his privacy for himself only. Indeed, “Why not?”, was all he answered.

          “You don’t want to tell me.” Luke half-stated, half-questioned.

          Ashton stayed silent for a while. Luke knew not to push his buttons too much, so he said nothing as wall. He kept an eye on him anyway. Ashton seemed to be thinking rather hard, then, out of nowhere, he chuckled out loud. Luke arched an eyebrow and Ashton laughed again before he leaned closer, looking at him straight in the eyes, and said in a very serious tone.

          “You’re a goldfish.”

          It took all Luke’s strength not to laugh out loud. Instead, he tried to keep a neutral face and leaned closer too, so that they were only inches apart, and responded in the same way. “And you’re really drunk as fuck.”

          It was Ashton’s turn to burst out laughing, lolling his head back. Luke couldn’t help but chuckle too, somewhat proud of him. Then he shook his head and roll his eyes fondly. They arrived to their address quickly after, the pub wasn’t too far from the flat, which was probably one more reason for Ashton to like it. They both got out of the cab and Luke helped and supported Ashton again. It already felt like a habit, but Luke didn’t like it at all.

          Once again they struggled to get upstairs. When they finally reached Ashton’s bedroom, the drunken man crashed on his huge bed, dragging Luke down with him so that they ended up like a mess of tangled limps. Their faces were not too close, yet close enough for Luke to be able to smell the vapours of alcohol in Ashton’s breath. Also close enough to ignite some memory in Ashton’s blurry mind. And before anyone could move he asked “Are you gay?”.

          Luke flinched and tried to step back but it was pretty impossible given the situation. He was reddening madly, but thanks to the darkness of the room, Ashton probably didn’t see it.  “What if I was?” he said defensively.

          Ashton shrugged. “Nothing. Calum and Michael are gay. It’s okay.” Luke relaxed at this words, he had almost forgotten about the couple. “Liv’ asked me today, but I didn’t know. So, are you?”.

          “Yes.”, he answered almost whispering. He didn’t need to be any louder anyway.

          For a while it was silent and still. Luke thought after his confession Ashton would move away from him, but nothing happened. While he was wide awake and very aware of everything, he felt like Ashton was drifting back to sleep. But once again, very much like the previous night, he was proven wrong.

          “Would you sing to me?”

          Luke blinked a couple of times. Then an idea popped up and he smirked deviously. Ashton was visibly taken aback, not used to see this expression on the blonde’s face.

          “Nah.” Luke said confidently. “Unless, you tell me what lead you to the bar tonight.”

          “Huh!” Ashton gasped.

          Luke laughed and add with a cocky smile. “I told you last night and I’ll tell you again, you are stubborn, but so I can be.”

          Ashton emitted a long and loud groaned. And rolled on his back and put an arm over his forehead. Luke freed himself and shifted to a more comfortable position.

          “It’s… It’s my girlfriend, I guess.”

          “Olivia?” Luke asked even though he knew the answer.

          “Well how many do you think I have?” Ashton answered, cynical.

          Luke pretended to be thinking for a while, a hand under his chin. “I don’t know…” he trailed off.

          Ashton straightened a bit to look at him with an offended expression. “Hey! I only have one …!” but then Luke cracked a huge smile, and he released that he was only teasing him. He rolled his eyes hard and muttered “Fuck you”, letting himself fall back in his previous position.

          Luke bit the inside of his cheek to stop him from smiling, even though it half failed, even though Ashton wasn’t even looking at him anymore. For a second he tried to regain his seriousness, but he saw Ashton’s mouth stretched in a lazy smile as well, and he thought it didn’t really matter.

          “So what’s the problem with your girlfriend? You had a fight?”

          “Yeah... We fight... All the time. I mean, very regularly. Sometimes, I just wish she would get really mad and … just dump me.”

          “Why?”, Luke frowned, a bit lost. “Don’t you love her?”

           Ashton opened his mouth and closed it. Once. Twice. Then finally whispered “…I don’t know...”.

         Luke could see it was a realization for him as well as he said it. He nodded small, so small he was certain Ashton didn’t notice. He thought it was enough for tonight. They made an unexpected progress forward.

           “Would you like a song in particular?”

          Ashton blinked a couple of times but eventually just shook his head in a negative sign.

          Luke nodded and thought for moment. He huffed a bit and smirked when he got an idea. He started: “Give me second I, … I need to get my story straight; my friend was in a bar getting higher than the Empire State. His lover, she’s waiting for him just across the street. His seat’s been taking by some Aussie guy asking ‘bout the night.”

          “I know you gave up mouth ago, I know you’re trying to forget, but the drinks and subtle things, the holes in your apologies, I know…. I know you’re trying hard to take it back. So if by the time the bar closes, and you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home. Tonight.”

          Ashton closed his eyes and Luke slowly push a lock of hair that was falling on his face behind his ear. Ashton almost didn’t feel it. But that made him fall asleep peacefully, listening to the sound of Luke’s smooth voice, singing just for him.

          “And I know that I’m not, all that you got. I guess that I, .. I just thought, maybe we could find a way to fix it all, but your friends are back, so let’s raise a tab. Cause you found someone to carry you home. Tonight.

          “The world is on your side. You have no reason to run. So just find someone to carry you home tonight…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been written twice because i didn't like the first outcome, and i think it ended up not too bad. What do you think? It's a bit repetitive with the previous one, but things start to move, so yeah, it was quite an important chapter in a sense. Anyways, as I've been away for quite a while, i'll try to make it up to you, and i'll upload the next chapter rather soon, like few day to a week tops. I have more time now than in the past month or two, so hopefully i'll be able to write more :)  
> So feel free to leave any reaction, comments, or whatever,   
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3


	8. Morning After

          Ashton’s Sunday morning was very much like his Saturday one. He woke up with a hammering headache, that was way worse than the previous one, but pills and water were on his nightstand. Again. Breakfast was made and waiting for him downstairs. Again. He ate slowly, figuring out that the whole flat was very silent. He supposed that Luke was out, maybe for a run. Again. He got back to bed after. And woke up around 2 in the after-noon. He had missed calls from Olivia but he decided to ignore them. He showered and dressed up lazily in grey sweatpants and black hoodie.

          He thought about going to his office and writing. He hasn’t done that in a couple of days now. But for the first time in a while, he wasn’t feeling too down, and had a bit of a happy mood. Deciding to take advantage of it while it lasted, he went to the living room. The apartment sounded as desert as before this morning. He wondered where Luke could be. But he wasn’t complaining about having the flat for himself.

          He sat at the piano. It’s been a while he hasn’t play, with his trip to Singapore, then he locked up in his room to avoid Luke, and finally the hangovers. He didn’t really know what to play, so he went with the flow. He played some cords or bits and pieces of whatever came to his mind. After a moment he started to sing quietly.  

          “Every morning after, I’m the same disaster. Every time I fall faster. Tell me, have you moved on? Am I just a sad song, playing every night and day? Say, can you read between the lines I’m singing, read between the lines I’m singing.”

          Little did he know that Luke wasn’t out of the apartment; he was on the roof top, but came back in went he heard the faint sound of the piano. Little did he know that he was listening closely, standing on the mezzanine, eyes riveted on him. Little did he know that if this night and the one before he was the one mesmerized by the other’s voice, today, the tables had turned.

 

 

          “Got me on a bender, I'm a great pretender, putting on a masquerade. But when the party's over, all alone and sober, what keeps me wide awake? Say, can you read between the lines I’m singing, read between the lines I’m singing.”

          Luke stood there silent but oh-so-attentive. Ashton had such a great voice. It wasn’t as smooth as his own, but a bit huskier, yet so warm and so full of emotions. Luke remembered very clearly Ashton singing while he was drunk, two nights ago. He had thought it was beautiful back then despite all of its defaults, but it was nothing compared to what he just heard.

          The melody shifted after and for a while it was very changing and fluctuant, until some other song started.

          “Look at you, sat in the shadow, only lit by our lies’ glow, as the cold is taking your soul. Look at you, at the other pole, closing your eyes on all the wrong. Can’t you see we’ve changed in the long?” he sang slowly and went to the chorus with a little more confidence and force. “We’ve gone such a long way; we’ve gone on the distance. And I hate you so much, But I still love you. We’ve gone such a long way; we’ve suffered in silence. And I hate you so much. But I still love you more.

          “I live in house made of glass, half filled by your water. Endlessly the level rises. I’m the ghost who wander. I’m the stranger of you heart. Yet take a look at how we’re hurt… We’ve gone such a long way; we’ve gone on the distance. And I hate you so much, But I still love you. We’ve gone such a long way; we’ve suffered in silence. And I hate you so much. But I still love you more. I still love you more…”

          Luke had to resist the urge to applause. It was so deep, so beautiful. But what shocked him the most is that he knew, just by looking at him, at his face, at his eyes, that Ashton thought and meant every single word he said. He wasn’t playing music; he was living it.

          Ashton played a bit of instrumental and Luke took it as a cue to go downstairs as well. Even if he would have listen to Ashton for an hour more, he knew they had to have a serious conversation. Even if he made progress last night with a drunken Ashton, his sober version seemed to be just as withdrew into its shell as before. Luke knew they had to talk, the situation couldn’t really stay as it was, and if anything he had hundreds of questions for Ashton. But he didn’t really know where to start. He had to be clever because the curly headed man could shut down easily.

 

 

          Ashton kept playing for a minute before he was interrupted by a voice greeting him and making him jump a little bit.

          “Hey” Luke said calmly, a thin smile on his lips.

          “Hey.”

          Well that was awkward. Ashton didn’t really know what to say. He was a bit embarrassed that he was “caught” playing and singing. He wondered where Luke was coming from and how much he heard. It’s not that he wasn’t confident in his musical quality, well … okay, maybe he wasn’t. He just thought his time playing music as just for his own, and it’s not something he usually shared.

          “How do you feel?”, asked kindly his blond flatmate.

          “Good, thanks. And thanks for the painkillers and the breakfast. But, you know, you don’t have to do that.”

          Luke shrugged. “It’s not much.”. But it was to Ashton and it made him feel guilty, he didn’t want to be a burden. “I didn’t know you played piano.” The blond spoke again, lightly.

          “Did you think it was just there for decoration?” Ashton said with an eyebrow arched.

          “Heh, with you, never know!”

          Ashton smiled and shook his head. That was probably deserved after all. He looked at the keys and consider playing again, but then looked up to Luke to find already staring back him intensely.

          “What?” he asked a bit defensively.

           “How much do you remember of last night?”

          Oh no...  That wasn’t good. What has he done? He couldn’t tell. He forgot all about the previous night. After going to the Madd pub, it was just a huge blur. Ashton held Luke’s stare for a while, going from one eye to another. Then he sighed and admitted. “Not much.” He was silent for a second before he added cautiously “Did... you bring me back here?”

          “And look who’s the goldfish now?” Luke muttered under his breath.

          “What?”

          “Nothing, nothing.” He smiled.

          But something flashed in Ashton’s memory. The inside of a cab. Him, studying Luke’s profile and thinking that the blond man was not part of his world. _He is not a shark, like the others. He is a goldfish. Innocent and naïve…. And gold. Look at his hair!..._ Damn he must have been really high to get to think something like that…

          “Yes, I brought you back form a bar.” Luke confirmed, “You called me.”.

          “I called you? I don’t even have you number.”

          “Well, you clearly do. Which is fine, honestly.” Luke said casually. “I kind of thought we would have come to this point earlier actually.”

          Beside pretending not to care too much about the situation, Ashton could see that he was a bit disappointed in the fact that they were still two strangers who happened to live together and not really flatmates, or mates at all. He knew it was his fault because he always made a conscious effort to keep him at the gates. Then it tilted in his head, he didn’t have that much control on himself when he was drunk, and he seemed to have called Luke on his own will… Then what more?

          “Did anything else happened last night?” he questioned but wasn’t too sure if he wanted to hear it.

          It was Luke’s turn to study him for a bit. And after a moment he stated frankly ‘yes.’. Shit! What the hell has he done? Even if Ashton couldn’t remember all his night, he remembered a lot of mornings after when he was informed about his own activities. Like that time, he crashed a car, that wasn’t even his. Or when he learned that Calum had bailed him out because he had tried to strip in the middle of the street. Or when he had lost his shoes and figured out a couple of days later that he had given them to a homeless man after three hours of discussion. It didn’t happen that much, though, compared to the number of nights he couldn’t remember. Most of them were just regular evening at the bar and then going back home with someone’s help. He thought last night was among this list and not the first one. What did he do?

          “Is it me or do you tend to forget easily went under the influence of alcohol?”

          Fuck. Ashton was getting more and more afraid of how the conversation was going. First, he learnt that he has done something but he doesn’t know what exactly. Secondly, it seems to involve Luke, which, out of all people in the world, he was trying to avoid the most. And finally, the said man was slowly but surely figuring him out, something he was definitely not pleased out.

          “That’s why you do it right?” Luke questioned looking at him straight in the eyes. “To forget.”

          Ashton said nothing. He probably didn’t need to anyway. He was waiting for it. For the punch to hit him. Right in the face. Hard. Waiting for Luke to finally process what he just said and to have that fucking reaction. In the spare seconds, he was making an internal bet on what reaction the blonde would have. He was waiting for Luke to be mad at him, yell at him, shout that he was irresponsive and childish. He was waiting for Luke to be dismissive: what in his life was to be forgotten, everything was perfect, he just didn’t know his luck. He was waiting for Luke to pity him, maybe, as a poor little thing who was too weak to bear a life yet so easy.

          But nothing came. No punch, no yell, no haughty scoff, no sad eyes. Luke wore quite a blank face to be honest. He nodded small for a couple of time and then made a sorry excuse of smile, with only on corner on his mouth slightly lifted up.

          “I’m not going to pretend that I understand, or that I’m fine with that. But I’m not going to judge you for the way you deal with your life. I’m no one to tell you how to do it, or to say I would do better at your place.”

          Ashton was left shocked. He was expecting everything but that. He was so use to people judging every single move he made, it was hard to believe someone wouldn’t not judge him for wasting half of his nights on expensive liquors. Yet, as he had thought the night before, Luke was not like the rest of the people in his world. He was different. Maybe his drunken self wasn’t that stupid?

          “And I still want to help you quit this bad habit. But I can’t do that just on my side. It’s an important decision you have to make. If decide not to try to stop drinking, I’ll respect your decision. I’ll have to leave the flat and find a new place to live, which I won’t be too happy about, but that’s only _my_ problem. I’ll leave you some time to think about it.”

          Ashton was wondering if he was still dreaming. Because all of this seemed just too good to be true. He couldn’t really proceed everything that was happening. He was still stressed out and on his guards. His heart was pounding in his chest and he couldn’t say a word. He just kept staring and blinking at Luke like he was ready to see him disappear any time.

          “Though, if you ever choose to try to stop. I’ll be more than glad to tell out about yesterday night…” Luke trailed off, already starting to walk backward to his room. He wiggles his eyebrow and send him knowing look and smirk. Then he turned around and left the room with a false innocent attitude, beside a sly smile playing on his lips.

          Ashton shook his head slowly trying to put everything at the right place in his mind. Despite himself, a small fond smile made his way on his face. He somehow already got a sense of how Luke was working. He knew that if he was teasing him like this, it probably meant that he didn’t do anything too crazy.

          But back to more important matter, now that Luke knew more about his problems than any other person, was he going to turn down his offer or to accept it? Basically, the guy was suggesting to be his therapist or something like that. Ashton wasn’t really sure he felt comfortable with the idea. He wasn’t sure if he trusted Luke enough. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough to go thought this successfully. Yet he knew things couldn’t last the way they were.

          He stared at the piano for a moment but finally went to the conclusion that he didn’t want to play anymore. Instead he went to his office to write as he first thought he would this morning. He consciously collected in his somewhat dairy all the events of the past few days. It’s not that he did for eternal memory, that was definitely not worth it, but it was an efficient way for him to earn a global overview of the situation. It took him a moment and while he was writing flashbacks kept on popping in his head.

          It had happened before, when images of his previous night-time adventures came back in the morning, but usually not that often. He remembered vaguely been dragged out of the Madd pub. And Luke helping him walk. He remembered the dim lighten inside of a cab. And Luke’s profile while he was looking outside. He remembered crashing on his bed. And Luke’s face really close to his own.

          He felt himself blushed deeply when he internally saw this particular image. What the hell has he done? He still didn’t know. But he was very afraid that it would be something silly and embarrassing.

          Finally, he remembered watching Luke sat on his bed, singing to him. He couldn’t remember the sound of his voice itself, but he knew he thought it was beautiful back then. And that particular memory ignited another one, back to the night of the gala. It was pretty much the same setting. Their closes were different, their positions on the bed too, but on the whole, it was the same thing. Ashton falling asleep, Luke singing.

          He frowned at those memories. It felt a bit weird but the major feeling that invade him was a sweet nostalgia. He wished he remembered more. And that was a first.

          When Ashton eventually retraced from the last couple of days to the very recent things, he took a moment, just staring at his screen, to take his decision. Luke was right when he said it was a big choice to make. If he decided to start this therapy thing and to quit drinking, he had to be sure this was what he wanted. He had to make it properly.

          He knew he was dancing on the edge of a total addiction that could drag him down to the bottom at any second. He knew that wasn’t a way to life his life on the long term. And maybe not a way to live his life at all. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

           When he went downstairs again, Luke was in the kitchen drinking some fruit juice. Ashton looked at him straight in the eyes and smiled small “So, what happened last night?”.

          Luke smiled back, but with a wider, brighter whiter version. He seemed to be happy with the decision Ashton took. That wasn’t really a surprise. But the older man was glad too. Maybe he had already taken this decision a while ago, in the very back of his head, but hadn’t find the strength to increment it. He just needed a little push.

          “Well, when we came back here, we had a talk and you…” started Luke. Ashton already knew his wore a painful expression on his face, like he was waiting for the worst. “You told me why you were out, drinking.”

          Wait. What? Okay, so first, it wasn’t anything crazy like what he had thought. But. It was still very surprising. He knew everybody had tried to make him talk, but none had found a way to pick up the lock. Even dunk, that was something he didn’t talk about. Ever. How come he told Luke?! Was has he even said?

          “What?” Ashton breathed out.

          “I meant, you talked about your girlfriend. And how you’re not sure of your relationship, or your feelings anymore.”

          Oh. Okay. That was less that Ashton thought. That was clearly the most visible and somewhat least private of his problems that he could confess. Even sober that would probably be the thing he would have shared the most easily. Yet, he never thought he actually already did and that was quite a shock. He was barely even admitted it to himself, and absolutely not to his closest friends, but he told Luke? Maybe his drunken self was more in touch with his internal decisions, or maybe just less afraid.

          Ashton stayed silent for a while just taking everything in. The last hour has all been shock after shock and big decisions. It was quite a lot. He rubbed his temples and sigh.

          “Yeah… I mean I don’t feel like all my feelings are gone or anything. But more like things are dysfunctioning and I’m not sure they ever will get back to how they were.” It was kind of weir to talk about his love life to Luke all of a sudden. Yet, it was strangely relieving to open up about it to someone.

          “So you still love her?” Luke asked neutrally.

          “… I… don’t know.” Ashton answered after a few seconds.

          “That’s what you said last night too.” The blonde smiled.

 _Good, I’m not that incoherent_ , Ashton thought to himself.

          “Can I ask you something?” Luke tried a bit cautious.

          “Sure.”

          “Do you really like her, or the idea of being with her?”

          “What do you mean?”

          “I mean, if I’ve got everything right, you’ve been together for a long time, right?” Luke started and Ashton nodded. “So maybe, you’re kind of used to have someone in your life, and you’re comfortable with her, because she knows you, and you know her. And maybe you might be afraid of being alone again.”

          Ashton took a moment to consider it. That didn’t seem too crazy for a reasoning. But he knew that wasn’t really it neither. He shook his head and said. “I don’t think that just that. But you might be right and I may like the idea of being with her, as you say, more that I love her for herself.”

          “Alright.” Luke nodded. “I’m not trying to force you on doing anything, you know. Just take time to think about it. And if you ever want to talk I’m here. Just, you know, make decision went you feel ready to. And choose what feel right for you.”

          It was Ashton’s turn to nod along. Luke put a comforting hand on his shoulder then walked back to his room.  But halfway he stopped and turned his heels back. “Oh and Ashton?”

          “Yes?”

          “I’m gay.” Luke stated boldly. “I told you last night but you’ve probably forgotten.”

          The now very clear image of Luke’s face being close to his own, in the darkness of his room, laying on his bed, kicked back vividly in mind. He felt himself blushing slightly again. He wondered if anything else happened, but judging by the small smile that was on Luke’s lips, he figured it was all.

          “Okay. Thanks for telling me.”

          Luke shrugged. “I guess now we’re on the same page. I mean, we remember the same things.”

 _Almost_ , Ashton thought. His flatmate didn’t say a thing about singing, while he remembered it partially. He wondered if it was completely irrelevant to him, so that he didn’t bother mentioning it, or if it was something else.

          The curly-headed man stood in place for a moment, his head full of considerations and thoughts he had he tried to keep away for a while. He slowly made his way to his office, in the hope of finding something else to fill his mind than his never-ending problems.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo!   
> New uptade! I thought i could post it yesterday but i went to a party that ended up way later than i thought and finally i didn't sleep at mine and i was tired all day long after. And i helped my parents make strawberry jam out of our own strawberries hehe. I'm ranting, I don't even know why i'm saying of that ... '-'   
> Hope you like this chapter, i admit i like it quite a lot :) Things are moving forward! What do you think? Feel free to leave any reaction or comment, feedback it always welcome :D  
> Lots of Love,   
> Kassie <3


	9. Jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm alive. I'm so sorry for the long delay. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

          Luke was walking out of the Guy’s Hospital campus with his new found friends on the following Monday afternoon. He was a bit lost in his thoughts, not really listening to the conversation going on next to him. Having obliged himself to focus on the lessons all day long, he was now enjoying the moment to finally consider what has been swirling in the back of his head since last night. Unfortunately, he was brought back to Earth after what only felt like five seconds.

          “Earth to Luke!” Shouted Alex, an American guy form Baltimore who also decided to take his college time in physiotherapy to England. “Mate, you were so gone. What’s on your mind?”

          Jack, their other friend walking with them, circled around to get on the other side of Luke and put his arm around the blonde’s shoulders saying with an over-suggestive tone “Is it a girl?”.

          Luke chuckled at that. He knew it was a joke. Or at least he hoped. He wasn’t friend with them for long, but he made clear hints and obvious comments to indicate his sexual orientation. It was a way not to make a big deal with coming out or whatever. He was just true to himself, not hiding, not holding back, and he would just answer simple and square if someone ever questioned him. Most of the time people just got the hints though, and most of the time they were okay with it. For the few who were not, Luke just brushed it away: they weren’t worth more.

          “Not a chance”, he laughed.

          “So is it a boy?” Alex countered. Him and Jack were best buds since high-school and choose to make the trip in England together, though Jack wasn’t in physio but in sociology. They were so in sync together that they didn’t need to say anything loud to actually communicate with each other. They knew from a single glance what the other had in mind. Most of the Luke found it really funny, but right there he started to think it was a formidable weapon.

          “Hum… yeah I guess.” He frowned. It didn’t really like the way the conversation was going, insinuating there was something between him and Ashton, while it was clear they were barely even friends to start with. Because, yeah, Ashton was on his mind, again. But for very platonic reasons.

          “Ouh! Lukey has already found a date! Uh, I’m jealous.”

          Alex was always a little bit over the top. But not in an annoying way. He knew his limits and knew how to be serious in time needed. But on the whole he was just one to take life on the brighter side. He firmly believed that it was better to laugh at a dramatic situation than to actually fell in the trap of sadness and crying. A lot of people then tend to think that he took nothing seriously, especially his teachers throughout his entire academic path. But it wasn’t really true. Alex had values, but only followed his own leadership, his own goals and his own ways to achieve them. And he did always success in what he wanted to succeed. He was a stubborn, independent and rebel mind. Yet still a great, funny and supportive friend. And quite the life of the party too.

          “Nah, mate, it’s nothing like that. I’m not even friend with this guy. Just acquaintance I guess, I don’t really know.”

          “Then what’s the matter?”

          “I’m kinda forced to spend time with him, so I’d like to know him a little better, so that it would be less awkward between us, you know? But the guy is just so closed on himself, it seems like there’s no way to make him speak, or that it would take a hundred years…”

          “Wait! What do you mean you mean “forced to spend time with him”? Who’s that guy?”

          Luke bit his lower lip in frustration. Until then he has been more than discrete about Ashton, never mentioning he was living with someone else, nor the district where he was living in. It’s definitely not because he was ashamed or something. Ashton was young, rich, handsome, and all. The apartment was so breathtakingly beautiful that it was almost indecent. No, he would have every reason to brag about it. Well, if he was one to brag, which he was not. But what really made him shut up about his flatmate, was that the all situation always seemed dubious to say the least. It was already suspicious when he found the ad on internet but it became very shady after Mrs. Irwin’s threat. It somewhat felt he was recruit against his will in a gloomy mafia. But not like street mafia, with blood on their hands and guns on their tables. More like the one in this cliché casino movies, the one with gold on their hands and diamonds on their tables. But beside being more civilized, it was just as illegal. It could even be more vicious, sneaky and vile.

          But Luke shook his head in realization that it was just his imagination running wild, while the truth was probably far away from the cliché movies. And now that he has started to spill the tea, might as well fill the cup.

          “He’s my flatmate.”

          “What?! Hey, you never said you have one!” Jack exclaimed, backing away a little, letting his arm drop from Luke’s shoulders.

          The blonde shrugged, not really knowing what to do to ease the situation. “Now I’m telling you” he said with a sorry smile.

          “Whatever!” sighed Alex. “If you want to know him, just play some drinking games, like truth or drink, the only version of truth or dare that’s worth it. And it’s quite efficient, trust me.”

          “Hum…” Luke trailed off thinking hard of how to answer without giving himself away. “He doesn’t drink so I pretty sure that won’t be possible…”

          That was far from the truth. And to be completely honest, Alex’ idea would probably be working really good on Ashton, seeing how the almost every times he opened up was when he was drunk. But as his mission was to get him to quit his bad habit, so he had to get the sober Ashton to talk to him. And that seem to be a tough thing to do.

          “What? How come he doesn’t drink? Wait! How old is he? Are living with a psycho forty-years-old who sleeps with super creepy china doll looking at him?!”

          “What? No. Alex, just relax for a second” Luke laughed. “He’s just a couple years older than me. And I guess he doesn’t drink … because he’s trying to be healthy?”

          “Yeah, you know” started Jack with a thoughtful expression, “He might be the one of us who’s actually right. Maybe we should take care of our bodies instead of intoxicated them every two nights, uh Alex?”

          “Hey man, you know where you can put all this healthy bullshit? Far up in your ass. We all gonna die of something one day or another, so let me enjoy my life while it last, ‘kay buddy?”

          Jack emitted a long sighed before he commented while shaking his head: “You’re gonna die young you know?”.

          “But I’m gonna die happy” Alex bite back.

          “Hum… Now that why I can’t tell if you infinitely stupid or a hidden genius.”

          The conversation went on, mostly between Jack and Alex even though Luke was in the middle. At some point he tuned them out. He shouldn’t be surprised he didn’t get anything to help him out of their little chat. The other boys didn’t know the situation and obviously couldn’t tell how important and serious it was for Luke. The blond man tried to smile and brush that away to jump back in the conversation.

          When their ways parted Luke wave goodbye to them and follow his own path to Belgravia. And as this time he was all alone, he dove back in his thoughts. Maybe Alex and Jack didn’t find a solution for him, but he still figured out it might be a good thing to go on with.

          Smiling to himself he changed his direction, he would need to make a detour.

 

          Ashton came back to apartment sooner than he had the previous week. Just because he had no reason to avoid Luke anymore. And to be fair he didn’t felt like hanging around the office today: even though he tried to focus his mind was always a bit off. But right when he entered his home he smelt something different. Cooking. Ashton looked around the kitchen but everything was clean and there was no food trace of fresh food either. He felt a little disappointed at first but then noticed a small sticky note, with just an arrow drawn on it, pointing at the living room. He followed the direction that only lead to another note pointing up the stairs. Than another on the mezzanine. And a last one on the door that led to the rooftop.

          Ashton got out, stopped and stared. He welcomed the golden light of the twilight bathing the whole city of London. It slowly turned around to embrace the view like it was the first time. It wasn’t but he had to admit he didn’t enjoy this amazing gift to the most. Luke was leaning against the handrail looking at the glowing horizon. The garden furniture was displayed nicely and the coffee table was covered with food. Ashton got closer to see exactly what it was.

          “Seriously?” He laughed a bit.

          Luke turned around, finally acknowledging his companion. But before he could voice his interrogation, Ashton talk again. “Quinoa, avocado and chicken. Welcome to Healthy-Hipster-Land.”

          “Hey! I had to make a huge detour, to go grocery shopping where the prices were actually decent. And then I did all the cooking. So be grateful, eat and shut up.”

          To what Ashton just laughed even more. “I’m kidding! Thank you for the meal it’s great.”

          “You haven’t even tasted it yet.” Luke sassed

          “But I’m appreciating the gesture.” Ashton fight back, with a fake haughty voice.

          To what Luke only rolled his eyes. He sat down on one of the armchairs while Ashton took the sofa which was on the opposite side. Despite the conversation taking a bit of a cynical tone, both of them were just joking and they both knew it. With smiles on their faces they started to eat. The older man hummed along when taking the first bite.

          “Now I’m saying the food is great, and I mean it.”

          “Thanks.” Luke smiled bashfully. “You don’t cook a lot, do you? I mean, the fridge was more than empty.”

          “I use to, but I haven’t really been there in the last month and a half. You know, I was in Singapore, then I spent quite a lot of time at the office, or at my girlfriend’s place or just eating outside because I knew the fridge was empty anyway.”

          “Actually you never told me you went to Singapore. Just that you were on a trip. How was it?”

          “Oh, it was fine. I know I’m gonna sound very jaded and all, but it’s not as exotic as it seems. It’s a business trip and we spent a vast majority of our time being in globalized district, with just the same shops, the same meeting rooms, the same food, the same standards and everything… Also Calum was with me and he made it a bit funnier than just some business trip, because that would have been the death of me!”

          Ashton laughed to easy his talk but Luke knew well how to reading between the line and didn’t miss a second.

          “You seem to clothe to him, right?”

          “Yeah… Calum is more a friend than my assistant to be honest.”

          “It shows. On both of you.” Luke smiled warmly.

          Ashton returned the gesture, a bit shyly; he wasn’t expecting this kind of comment. After that Luke started a lighter conversation. And it went fluidly without Ashton noticing the time passing by. They discussed series and actor, who they would be in Friends, difference between United Kingdom and Australia, and even sport for a bit. Before they knew, the night was falling on London, not it bothered them much, they were done eating a long time ago and were just chatting casually looking are the starts slowly appearing.

          They somehow when to talk about music, a topic they both loved. Ashton told that he had a retro turntable in the living room and Luke insisted on seeing it. So they clean the table quickly and made their way downstairs. Luke placed all the dished in the kitchen while Ashton get the device out of where it was store. He put it on the coffee table then when to the selves by the stairs to pick a record and came back to find Luke looking at him with an amused grin on his lips.

          “What?”

          “You know I also thought they were just here for decoration too!” the blond chuckled, nodding at the record.

          "You really have such a bad opinion of me…” Ashton replied with a dramatic sigh.

          “Oh come on…!” he laughed “What record have you pick, though?”

          “Ah, it’s a surprise.” Ashton said swatting Luke’s grabbing hand away.

          Luke was already bouncing with impatience; which Ashton find a bit childish but mostly adorable. It was quite funny to see his so reasonable flatmate being over-enthusiastic with something so small. When he finally placed the diamond on the turning vinyl, a famous melody filled the apartment instantly. Luke face lit up in a couple of seconds when he figured the song. He laughed out loud almost had to shout to make himself heard.

          “I love this song!”

          ‘Jump’, by Van Halen, was playing on maximum volume, loading the ambiance with charged electricity. Ashton started to sing along, with an exaggerated choreography mostly made out shouting in an imaginary microphone. Luke was laughing himself sick, his blue eyes shinier than ever. On the chorus they started to jump around crazily, bouncing on the sofa like two five-years-old. Ashton urged Luke sing along one, two, three times, along the song, but the blonde either ignored it or just shook his head. It made Ashton really confused. While the coda was playing, he stopped his movement to look at Luke intensely, so that the young man also got still.

          “Why don’t you sing?” he asked with a deep frown. His voice betrayed his confusion and a bit of worry too. It sounded suddenly and strangely a bit weak, almost like he was praying him to sing.

          Luke opened his mouth but closed it without saying a single word, his eyes making erratic back and forth between Ashton’s golden orbs.

          “I-I… I can’t” he whispered and his head drop to look at the ground. “S-sorry.”

          Luke left to go the kitchen, not looking at Ashton. The older stayed there for a second. Another song started but Ashton lifted up the diamond. He went back to the bookcase and picked up another record. Moments later, ‘the scientist’ by Coldplay was echoing in the apartment. It suited much better the new found atmosphere. He slowly made his way to the kitchen, as if Luke was a scared and injured animal that he wanted to help but was afraid to only succeed in make him run away in fear.

          The blond man was washing the dishes in the sink, while he perfectly knew there was a dishwasher next to him. Ashton read it as a way to focus on doing something, maybe to cool off, maybe just to avoid thinking. Ashton approached slowly only to take a dishcloth and started to dry the dishes.

          “I know there are things you’re hiding and you don’t want to talk about. I mean I would know, right, I’m pretty good at that myself…”

          Luke only glance for less than a second before he focused on the glass in his hands again.

          “I would be very hypocrite of me” started Ashton again after a moment of almost silence, if it wasn’t for Coldplay. “to judge you, or to force you to speak. Especially when you’re being really patient and understanding with me. Just know that it’s okay and if ever you feel like talking, about that or about anything else, I’ll gladly return the favour.”

          Ashton didn’t know where the words were coming from. He didn’t really think before saying them. Yet, it felt like the right thing to do, and he already knew that he would keep his word if the occasion ever occurred.

          Luke was done with his work and just lean against the island behind, his eyes blankly staring at the void. Ashton dried the last piece of silverware soon after. He kindly placed a hand on Luke’s shoulder to make him come out of his trance. The young man’s head snap to look at him with widen eyes. Ashton only offered him a warm smile.

          “Thanks for the meal, Luke. Next time, it’ll be my treat.”

          Luke made an infinitely small smile before he answered “Goodnight Ashton.” And left for his room.

          “Goodnight Luke” echoed over the fainted sound of ‘Clocks’.

          Ashton would think about the night as a major turning point in his relationship with Luke. That night, it was not anymore only Luke trying to undercover Ashton’s secrets. It was also Ashton trying to discover Luke’s. Maybe it was a bit by revenge, because he still wasn’t too sure about the whole idea to open up to a stranger, half forced by his grand-mother. Maybe it was because he was starting to fell genuinely curious, or maybe even concerned, about his blond flatmate. One thing was sure though, from that night on, there was no turning back.

          Might as well jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say, it was expecting to fit much more things in this chapter, but it ended taking longer than i thought. But whatever. Uni is over for this year but I started an internship in another city and it keeps me really busy... So i'll do my best to write as often as i can but i'm not sure i'll be much more productive. I don't know, but i hope you'll stay along :)   
> Also i hope you like this chapter. Even though it's not exactly what i was projecting at first, i think it turn out okay. What do you think?  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3


	10. With a Song

          The following morning, Luke was woken up before his alarm went off. The sun was barely over the horizon, hueing the scene outside the window with pastel purples and oranges. Luke sighed and put his arm over his forehead, slowly processing all the events of the previous night. He should have known it was risky to make Ashton talk about himself without him noticing. Because, obviously, a normal conversation would lead Ashton to return the questions. Which he did, sometimes, Luke found himself doing quite a good job at keeping things superficial. But then he fucked up.

          He wasn’t sure why Ashton asked him about singing. Was it because he remembered Luke singing when he as drunk? Or was it just because he found it weird that Luke didn’t sing along despite his repeated invitations? In either case, Luke should never have reacted the way he did. He should have find a way to dodge the question, to keep his mask unbroken. But with Ashton looking at him in the eyes, he couldn’t find in himself to lie. He never lied to him, that would be very unfair, but this time, even avoiding to tell the truth seemed to be more than he could handle.

          For a second, he even thought he would lose it, break down, cry. But old habits die hard. And the moment after, the façade was built back, identical and perfect. Yet, this mere second was enough for Ashton to see under the surface. Luke wondered what to do. Some part of him wanted to give in, to talk, to let it all go. But he was so afraid. He relayed quite a lot on Ashton in the end. Where would he go if he decided to kick him off, knowing the truth.

          Although he swore, he saw a glimpse of worry, of genuine concern in his flatmate’s eyes, and it kept a tiny of him believe that maybe it could work out if he tried. But the rest of him firmly stated that he wasn’t going to take this chance.

          Nevertheless, the evening wasn’t a total fail. He actually succeeded in gaining some information. First, reading between the line, Luke figured out that Ashton wasn’t happy with his job. He seemed to not enjoy it as much as his public discourse and attitude would let it believe. Luke couldn’t really pinpoint where the problem was exactly, but he vaguely had an idea. He discovered that Ashton had a huge passion for art. He had a vast knowledge in music, in almost every type and gender, but along the discussion he also mentioned a couple of names, painters and artists, that Luke didn’t know at all. He seemed to be very cultivated and passionate about anything that was creative. Or, his job wasn’t really following this line. Despite working for a newspaper, he wasn’t writing for it, or taking part in the line of the edition. He was just a business man, while at soul, Luke was convinced, Ashton was an artist.

          The older man, also let a couple of other information slipped. For instance, he referred to his friends Michael and Calum quite a lot, showing how much he cared and liked them. But also mentioned his family. His younger brother and sister, which Luke only discovered then, and whom Ashton was quite protective of.  But mostly his grand-mother, and his comments on her were never nice. Ashton seemed to have a lot of mixed feelings for her: anger, fear, admiration, and maybe buried deep down, sympathy. Luke guessed she had a role to play in the situation, yet to figure out how important it was.

          He was thinking that maybe, he should try to get information from Ashton’s circle, and not always focus on him. But he was stopped in his chain of thoughts when his alarm went off.

 

 

          “Hey? You’re okay?” Calum asked when he entered Ashton’s office who didn’t even notice him.

          “Hum? What? Yeah, I’m fine.”

          “You sure? You’ve been lost in thoughts quite a lot these days.” Calum insisted.

          His boss stayed silent for a moment, only running a hand through his hair, as he usually did was he had something troubling him. The kiwi man frowned. This seemed to be serious.

          “Do you mind staying here with me after work and have dinner?”

          “No, not at all. What’s on your mind, though, you’re worrying me.”

          “No, it’s okay Cal, don’t worry. I’ll tell you all later.”

          The assistant nodded and left the office, even if he was reassured the slightest.

          The rest of the day pass by alternating between going too fast and going too slow. On the whole Ashton was looking forward to have a moment to talk with his friend. He couldn’t escape the swirling thoughts in his head. Despites making all possible efforts to put them aside and focus on work, it was all in vain. It made some minutes pass by, but then everything kicked back in hard.

          He felt relieved, if anything else, when the clock ticked the end of his shift. Actually he didn’t even have a strict schedule, but flexible hours, as long as he did the job. So what really told me to stop was Calum coming back in his office, asking what to order for their improvised diner.

          Moments later, they were eating sushi talking about everything and anything. Calum was waiting for his boss to start with the topic that really matter to him, but it didn’t seem to come. At loss of patience, he did it himself.

          “So? What did you want to talk about?”

          “Hum… It’s gonna be a bit direct but… What do you think of Olivia?”

          Calum was a bit taken aback by the question. Out of everything, he thought Ashton was going to talk about Luke, or even his grand-mother, but not his girlfriend, and not with such an expression of… nervousness on his face?

          “I don’t know, man… I mean I’ve only seen her when she was with you, for mundanities mostly. We’ve never spend that much of quality time together. And, in the end, I don’t know her that well. Certainly not as much as you do, and I would trust your judgement. So, I guess if you’re okay with her, I’m okay with her.”

          “But it’s quite a long time we’re together, you must have your opinion on her now, no?”

          “Well sure. But it’s been quite a long time as you said. You’ve dated her without having my opinion. So why does it matter now?”

          Ashton stayed silent for a bit, not really knowing how to answer.

          “Are you okay with her?” Calum asked, looking at his friend straight in the eyes.

          “I… I don’t know. Everybody keeps asking me that, even myself, but I have no answer.”

          “Though, you’re the only one who can answer. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you were expecting me to say, but I can’t tell you how you feel.”

          Ashton frowned. ‘what were you expecting me say?’. And it hit him. He had the answer to this question. And it answered the rest too. They change the topic and went on with light conversation. Calum told him his sister Mali was going to visit him and prepared a couple of thing for the wedding. So him and Michael were host a little dinner where Ashton were invited, and Olivia too, if he wanted her to be his plus-one. Ashton didn’t comment further, he just said he was happy to see Mali as it’s been a long time he heard of her, but never actually saw her face to face. The two friends kept chatting of a while, even long after their dished went empty.

          When Ashton got home it was already late. he greeted Luke through the hall but heard no answer so he went straight to his office. After the little revelation he had earlier, talking to Calum, he wanted to write down everything and put his mind in order. Even if it took him some time, time that could have been invested in sleeping for example, he was quite satisfied by the outcome.

          The whole thing was making him nervous but he had a plan and he knew what he wanted to do now. He didn’t think it would show that much but Calum noticed when he saw him the next morning.

          “You look very determined today.” He commented.

          “Is it bad?”

          “No, it’s not. Just surprising.”

          Calum didn’t try to push it, he figured Ashton wasn’t going to tell him more. The honey-coloured-haired man left early this day, silently slipping through the corridors and lifts, with almost anyone noticing. He asked the driver of his company’s vehicle to lead him to an address he’s been now very used to give. Once he was in front of the door he felt his determination wavering, but he took a deep breath and knocked.

          Radiant and beautiful, Olivia opened wildly the door when she recognized her boyfriend. She was all smiles, telling him how she was happy to see him after a couple of days of silent. She said she was starting to get worried and began a happy rant about some news. But Ashton, on his side, hasn’t really move, he had closed the door behind him but hadn’t went further in the apartment. After a couple a seconds more, he cut the young woman mid-sentence.

          “Liv. Sit down please. There’s something I’d like to tell you.”

 

 

          Standing outside Olivia’s building, Ashton was breathing slowly. From the second he saw the smile on her face fall, to the moment he stepped outside, he felt like he was on auto-pilot. And now everything was flooded him. How she tried to silently cry when he broke the news of their break-up, how confused she was, asking him why, how desperate she seemed when she bargained for them to stay together.

          Standing outside Olivia’s building, Ashton leaned against the façade and run a hand through his hair, like always. His eyes were shut, squeezed thigh, a painful expression on his traits. He felt heartless, for breaking her heart so mercilessly. He felt bad, terrible, horrible. The stress was growing inside of him, thinking about what was coming now. How would people react when they’ll learn he broke up with the perfect girl? How fucked up would he be considered?

          Standing outside Olivia’s building, Ashton’s breathing wasn’t slow anymore despites his best efforts. His chest was moving rapidly. Quicker and Quicker. His mind couldn’t process anything, nor focus. Everything seemed like a gigantic blur of images and sounds. Olivia crying, people laughing evilly at him, the stern look from his grand-mother. Ashton started to shake. He was fighting against himself so hard. And he was so afraid to loose.

 

 

          Luke had just finished his homework when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

          “Ashton?”

          “Luke...”, he heard the older man pant through the device with a weak voice.

          “Ashton, are you okay?”, the blonde asked now truly worried.

          “I’m… I’m not feeling well. Olivia and I are done. And I want to drink so bad right now…”

          “Oh my god.” Luke breath out, looking frantically around him like it would help. “Okay. Just. Where are you?”

          “I’m just outside of her building.”

          “Alright. Can you call a cab and come back to the flat?” Luke waited for an answer but nothing came, so after a couple of seconds he asked. “Ashton? You still there?”

          “Yeah, Yeah sorry. I’m calling a cab.”

          “Okay tell me when you have found one. Stay on the line, okay? Don’t hang up.”

          “No, I won’t.”

          “Good” Luke whispered. It felt like Ashton was holding on his phone just as tight as Luke was himself. It made him feel weird. His heart was beating fast. He was stressed and under pressure in this situation. He couldn’t afford to fuck this up. But strangely in the middle of all that, their conversation, how fragile it was, seemed intimate.

          “I’m inside the cab.” Luke was brought back to the ground by Ashton’s voice. He heard the older give their address to the driver a moment later.

          “Okay. Now try to calm down. Just, relax your muscles. And take deep breathes. Follow me.” Luke started to guide Ashton through a breathing exercise, that lasted for the rest of the drive. It was stopped when Ashton said with a much steadier tone “I’m home”. The blonde insisted on staying on the line until they were face to face and caught Ashton in hug once he stepped inside.

          “You okay?” he asked for what felt like the millionth time when he pulled back.

          “Yeah, I’m feeling a little better now.”

          Luke nodded and lead the older man to the living room making him sit on the couch in front of two mugs of hot chocolate.

          “You didn’t have to, Luke…” Ashton said, almost sternly but with a fond smile on his lips.

          “It’s nothing, just drink.” The blonde smiled warmly. “I’m sorry for you and Olivia.”

          Ashton shook his head “Don’t be. I broke up with her.”

          “Oh.” Luke’s eyes went while. His flatmate was grinning widely, amused by the reaction. But Luke wasn’t really in the same mood. He frowned and asked a bit timidly: “Is… Is your decision linked to our conversation on the matter?”

          “I made this choice for myself. You _helped_ me to figure out what I wanted, but you didn’t influence me on doing something that I would regret. If that was your question.”

          “I see… Sorry if that’s gonna be very rude, but, then why did you have a panic attack after?”

          Ashton sighed, and put his mug back on the coffee table. He relaxed back on the sofa and run a hand through his hair. “My feelings for Olivia were long gone. I refused to acknowledge the situation because it was easier. As you said, I loved more the idea of being with her than her for herself. It still made me feel really bad to watch her heart broke into pieces in front of my eyes. And knowing that it was all because of me.”

          “Ashton… That’s wasn’t a selfish decision as you paint it. It would have been worst to keep maintaining a relationship you’re not okay with, and that makes you lie to her about how you feel.”

          “I know, I know. That’s exactly what I told myself yesterday.”

          “Are you sure you didn’t make this choice a bit too hastily?”

          “Yes.” Ashton nodded his head for emphasis. “I’m sure of it. I should have done it sooner if I’m being honest here.”

          “Okay.” Luke smiled to him for reassured. “But there was something else that made you panic, right?”

          The curly-headed man nodded small. “I’m afraid of what …” he gulped down visibly and took a deep breath. “I’m afraid of what my grand-mother is going to think. I know, I know, it sounds silly.” He defended himself right away. “It’s just … You know, the first time I brought Olivia with me at a reception, she smiled to me. And I could count on my fingers – on _one hand’s fingers_ – the number of time it happened in the last two years.”

          Luke placed a comforting hand on Ashton’s knee rubbing small circle with his thumb. The older man relaxed with the gesture, and only then noticed that it made him all tensed up. He also noticed how their bodies were fully turn to each other, with both one leg bend under them to be facing each other on the sofa. If Luke found their moment on the phone to be intimate, Ashton was feeling it now. And for some reason it didn’t bother him that much. The blond gave him an encouraging smile and he went on.

          “Sometimes, I feel like I’m such a disappointment to her. And I don’t know why. Or what I did wrong.  I keep doing my best. And it never seems to be enough.”

          “There’s nothing not to be proud of in you Ashton.”

          With one more squeeze on the knee, Luke got up and went to his room. Ashton was left dumbfounded for a moment. Not knowing what to think about this departure. But after half a minute, the blonde silhouette of his flatmate came back in sight. Luke was caring his guitar with him, and went to sit back next to Ashton.

          “Are you gonna try hit me with it again?” the older man laughed thinking of their first encounter.

          “Shut up.” Luke rolled his eyes, but was chuckling too.

          He tuned the instrument a little and start to play a happy rhythm. He hummed a nice melody before he started to sing it louder.

          “Before I grew an adolescent, I use to learn my lessons. With a song. And a couple of years later, I made my nights brighter. With a song.”

          It was like all of Ashton’s worries vanished. Listening to Luke’s voice, singing just for him, the rest of the world disappeared. It was what he was expecting to hear so bad, since the very first time he drifted to sleep to the sound of this voice. One moment he could hear it truly, enjoy it to the most and, above all, remember it. It sounded just as good as in his memories, if not better.

          “It’s far less disturbing, to talk about bad things. With a song. You can say it’s quite splendid, when you’re being called stupid. With a song. Life if much more fun, Life can’t get wrong, With a song.”

          “What is this song?” Ashton chuckled, when Luke stopped.

          “It’s a little thing my mom used to sing to me when I was young. I discovered a couple years ago that is was part of a much longer song. But I understand why she kept it short.” Luke laughed but Ashton saw a glimpse of sadness in his eyes.

          “Why though?”

          “It has all the PG13 themes: sex, religion, war, death. Ahah”

          “Wow, I wouldn’t have bet on that…!”

          “It’s a nice song though.”

          Ashton nodded and kept looking at Luke silently. The younger could tell his eyes were full of questions he didn’t dare to ask.

          “I’m sorry that I killed the mood yesterday. You… you’re right. There are things that I don’t want to talk about. But… that doesn’t mean I can’t try to move on.”

          “It’s just that I didn’t understand. You have sung to me before.”

          “Oh.” Luke said once again, eyes widen. He was blushing slightly, looking around the room, anywhere else but in Ashton’s eyes. “Oh, so you remember…. I thought you wouldn’t”

          “I don’t remember it very well, sadly. But I know it happened.”

          Luke sighed and finally look back at Ashton. “Let’s make this time the first time, okay? One we can both remember.”

          “Alright.”

          They both stay silent for a while. It was comfortable. It feels like the chain of events of the previous weeks has brought them much closer than any of them would have expected. And this, faster than any had predicted. Somewhere in the process they became friends, or something that was more or less like friends. And it fell way better like this.

          “So you have a lip ring?” Ashton question a minute later.

          Luke, who was lazily strumming, shot his head up. He played with the said piercing before answering shyly “hum… yeah?”.

          “It suits you.”

          “Really?” The blond blushed. “I took it off for the meeting with your grand-mother and then there was this gala thing. I don’t know. I feel like it’s more of a teenage thing I use to like, but now I’m not sure about it anymore. I just got … nostalgic, today.”

          With than he started to play his guitar again, a song that Ashton recognized immediately.

          “You better trust that voice in your head.”

          Up 2 U. The older man smiled, knowing well that it was the actual first song that Luke sung to him. Even if the memories were blurry he could tell that this version was much more like the original, and not as agonisingly slow as their previous interpretation. But it was probably more in line with their current mood.

          Ashton joined in and sang lowly to keep hearing Luke’s voice more than his own. He relaxed back on the coach, letting his head fall against the top of the back, staring blankly at the two-storey-high ceiling. His main focus wasn’t in his vision, but in his hearing, even if all his senses heightened to enjoy a moment, he wished would last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I'm back with another chapter! I hope you liked it. Everything that i wanted to fit in the previous chapter is in this one. It turned out a bit longer than i thought but i'm glad with most of the result. So i hope it was okay for you :)  
> I'm sorry for the wait, i'm still quite busy with my internship and all the rest, but things are getting better, so hopefully i'll find more time to write.  
> And guys! I'm sp excited for the the next chapter!!! :D it's something i planned since the very beginning of this story ^.^  
> Feel free to leave any comment, feedback, or whatever, i love to read you as well :D  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3


	11. More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I was so excited for this chapter that i wrote it on my working time, ahah. So it's here sooner than i planned. And it's a bit longer than usual. I hope you'll like it :D "Let it begin...!"

 

          The atmosphere in the flat went exceptionally good after the break-up incident. Luke and Ashton ate together for the next two dinners. On the first one, just right after their discussion, they cooked together, while keeping a light conversation between them. The next day Ashton fulfilled his promise to repay Luke with a meal he would have cooked himself. It turned about they were both relatively well skilled and they had delicious dishes to enjoy together.

          Luke couldn’t be happier with the situation. He had to admit he felt a bit content with himself for this success. He was now on great terms with his flatmate; Ashton had stayed away from alcohol for a whole week without too much trouble; and when he had felt like relapsing he had called Luke, which was a nice surprise the blonde wasn’t expecting. On top of that, it fell extremely good to go back to the flat and to finally feel home. Like a real established home. Even if there were still some sketchy things around the deal he had with Mrs. Irwin, and even if he still avoided to mention where he leaved to Alex, Jack, or anyone. Maybe he wasn’t completely comfortable with the situation outside, but within the four walls of the apartment he felt really nice.

          So when Luke woke up on the Saturday morning, the first thing he did was smiling. He kept his eyes closed as his stretched his long limps in his queen-sized bed. Opening them, he discovered that the day was already largely cut into. Judging by the sun shining outside, he estimated the time to be past 10 already. Luke was usually up fairly early on the week-end. Going outside for a run and preparing healthy breakfast before it turned 9. But yesterday, Ashton and him kept talking for a long time after their dinner and leisured in the living room, playing music, singing and listening to vinyls. Luke thought they were lucky the flat was well soundproofed because the neighbours may not have been too pleased, being forced to hear old rock and new alt-pop up after midnight.

          That was another thing Luke was pound of: singing again. He didn’t really understand what made him start again, especially back to that first night he brought Ashton from a bar. But for some reason, Ashton made him comfortable enough. At first, maybe, because he was drunk and he would forget. That made Luke feel like it didn’t really count. But then, just because it was Ashton and his presence was strangely encouraging when it came to sing. Although, to be completely honest, Luke wanted to sing again. It has always been part of his life and he loved it too much to out it forever. He just needed a little click to take the leap.

          He got up and almost tripped on his guitar that he was too lazy last night to put at its place. Cussing after himself he took a couple of minutes to tidy up his room then stepped out to the kitchen. He decided on preparing something light as it was already late. He was working on his task humming some random melody and enjoying the cosy atmosphere laying around. The flat was completely silent but Luke knew he would be alone this morning. Which was also the reason why he didn’t bother to put a shirt on and was just walking around in his sweatpants.

          But he was still eating his fruit bowl when he heard the familiar sound of the keys in the lock. He turned around to see Ashton entering the flat. He was dressed in black jean with a white t-shirt and an unzipped black hoodie on top. His hair was still wet from the shower judging by the look of it, tied up in a small bun at the back of his head.

          “Hey!” Luke greeted. “How was the gym?”

          Ashton went to the sink to get himself a glass of water he grumped down avidly.

          “I shouldn’t have been so inactive in the last two months… And Calum didn’t go easy on me. God… I shouldn’t have asked him to come with me…”

          Luke chuckled “It’s a good thing you’re back at exercising though.”

          “Yeah. So I’ll be at level with my super healthy flatmate. Fruit bowl, huh?” Ashton sassed picking a piece of strawberry inside the bowl.

          “Hey!” Luke reprimanded swatting the other’s hand away. “Keep mocking me and I won’t cook for you anymore.”

          The older man laughed and went to rise his hand in surrender but winced in the process.

          “Something’s wrong?” Luke frowned.

          “I don’t know” Ashton answered massaging his left shoulder with the opposite hand. “my shoulder hurts since I’m out of the gym. Maybe I went a little too harsh on it.”

          “Let me have a look”

          Ashton arched an eyebrow but then remembered “Right, you’re a physio.”

          “Soon to be, only.” Luke smiled and place a hand on his flatmate’s scapula. He pressed a couple of spot until Ashton emitted a groan, signalling it was the spot. The blonde moved carefully his fingers around the painful point.

          “Yeah. It’s muscular. You forced on it too much.”

          “Thanks doc, I would never have figured out without you…”

          “Okay. I was going to offer my services for a massage to easy your muscle and the pain. But I guess you can make it on your own, huh?”

          “I’m sorry Blondie. You’re the greatest physio of all time! The ache just makes me grumpy.” Ashton pleaded with puppy eyes.

          “Fine.” Luke rolled his eyes but kept smiling all along. “Take off your shirt and lay on my bed. I’ll get some ointment.”

          Ashton send a quick ‘thanks’ and left the room while the blond man cleaned out the kitchen. He went to his room too, only to find his shirtless flatmate by his bed ready to lay down. Luke froze in the doorway to a sight he wasn’t expecting. He was pretty sure his eyes popped out of their orbits and that he heard the sound of his unhinged jaw falling to the ground.

          Ashton’s chest, arms and back were scattered with tattoos. All of them were the same style of design. Black and white animal figures surrounded by a splash of intricate patterns: flowers, arabesques, flames, waves, rocks. When two tattoos were close enough their patterns melt into one another, intertwined to the core. Luke recognized two birds and a bee on his left arm. On his back was a beautiful scene with a majestic deer in the centre, hovering the profile of a wolf and a fox facing each other. When Ashton turned a bit Luke discovered whole another universe on his chest. A jelly fish underlining his pectoral, a shell on the opposite hipbone, a small seahorse and a whale floating in between.

          Luke didn’t notice he moved forward until he feel the irrepressible urge to touch the coloured skin and realise it was only half a foot away. He slowly rose his hand.

          Ashton stood still while Luke made his way to him at an ever so unhurried pace. He didn’t move as the blond man, with his mouth agape and his eyes widen but glued to the jellyfish on his chest, went to brush it slightly with his fingertip. Ashton wasn’t expecting the contact to be so light and careful, as if Luke believe he was made of glass. He swore he almost not felt it. Yet he felt it so much. An electric chill roamed all his upper body, from the base of his neck to the bottom of his spine, from the top of his shoulder blade to the very tip of his own fingers.

          His heart was beating fast in his chest all of a sudden. But he wasn’t going to let his trouble show. He tried to play it cool, even at the expense of sounding rude.

          “Like what you see?”

          Luke’s head shot back and their eyes met for less than a second. Than the blonde pulled back in a snap, visibly blushing. He turned his back to Ashton, rummaging through his stuff, probably in the search of that ointment.

          “Sorry. I… I just wasn’t expecting you to be tattooed.”

          Ashton shrugged in response, even if his interlocutor still had his back turned to him. “Some bigot-minded people of my world wouldn’t appreciate that too much, so most of the time I keep them covered by my shirts.”

          “That’s stupid.” Luke muttered, but loud enough for Ashton to hear.

          “What? To keep them cover?”

          “No.” Luke stated facing him again. “That people would not like it. Because, this, is art.”

          And it was Ashton’s turn to blush. To cover it, he decided to finally lay down on the bed as he was asked to.  He felt the mattress dig on his side, Luke climbing closer to him and then straddling him. The blonde slowly put his weight on him, sitting at on his lower back, almost on his bum. He hissed at the cold gel he felt on his shoulder.

          “Sorry, it’s cold now, but it’s gonna warm soon.”

          Ashton only nodded and tried to relax back on the mattress, even if he was strangely tensed. Luke started to work his hands on the stiff zone and the older man had trouble to hold back his moans. It felt extremely good. The ointment indeed got warm and even hot; it was like he had a hot-water bottle just on his shoulder to help the muscle relax. The massage in itself helped the tension to go away and left him all limp, almost falling asleep.

          “Keep that sound for the bedroom, Irwin.” Luke chuckled

          Maybe he did do that of a good job at keeping it in. “It _is_ a bedroom” he argued.

          “Yeah, but it’s mine.”

          Ashton just shrugged the best he could, given the situation. He didn’t have the energy to debate more so he just kept on enjoying the wonderful hands massaging him. He had to admit, maybe Luke was the best physio ever. Just when he was about to fall asleep for good, the two hands got off him and the weight on his back was removed. Despite himself, Ashton almost whine at the lost.

          “Don’t fall asleep here, you have your own room.” Luke playfully pushed him of his bed. “If you don’t force on it again, it should heal in a couple of days.” The blonde informed when Ashton was getting up at a snail’s pace. He decided on an actual nap and went to his room only to crash on his own bed, pretty much in the same position he was on Luke’s.

 

 

          Lying on his bed, the young blonde was trying not to overreact. He was sprawled on the side he usually didn’t use, facing the empty sport where Ashton was a couple of minutes ago, as if the fresh memories playing his head were actually unravelling in front of him. Or as if he was afraid that lying on his usual side would erase his flatmate’s presence. He felt bad, mad at himself, even guilty. But on the other hand, he felt all dizzy and funny inside like he knew he shouldn’t be.

          He didn’t know exactly what it was, but suddenly he was so attracted to Ashton’s skin. Maybe at first it was because of his tattoos at first, but then it was something else. Strangely he was enjoying the massage himself, just for the pleasure to drag his hands across Ashton’s back. Quite a nice back to be honest, just as the rest of his body, for what he knew so far. Ashton was more of the muscular type, while Luke, even if he trained, never grew too much muscle mass, he was all in height, fit and slim. The young men had to admit Ashton’s powerful body was very appealing to him. Even though he didn’t want to think about it, he should probably recognize that while he was massaging Ashton, his thoughts only drifted to craving more skin contact and very unholy things. Ashton himself was a help in the situation, making all these moaning sound. The whole situation had been way more arousing than it should have. And when it had hit him, he had stopped everything in a rush and almost had pushed Ashton out of his room.

          Luke groaned in frustration running his hands over his face. He really didn’t want to think about that. Maybe he just didn’t had enough action on this front in the last few months. But he wasn’t one to go for flings neither, so he’ll just have to contain his thoughts. He finally decided on taking a shower, a rather cold one, to clean both his body and his mind. 

 

 

          The rest of the day went off rather normally beside the fact that Luke had trouble looking at his flatmate in the eyes without blushing. Ashton had informed him in the middle of the afternoon that they were both invited for dinner at Michael and Calum’s place. Luke was still standing in front of his wardrobe at 6:30 without knowing what to wear. He figured it had to be a little formal, but wasn’t quite sure were stood the line between not enough and too much.

          “Luke? You’re ready?” Ashton called out from the living room.

          “One second.”

          Or more like ten more minutes if he was going to be honest. At loss of clue about what to wear he went to his bedroom door and peek an eye through the opening to spy on Ashton’s choice of clothes. His flatmate wore dark slim jeans and a white t-shirt that clinged to his biceps and cover most of his tattoos except the little bee on his left forearm. A navy blue vest hung in his hand. His hair was still tied up in a messy man bun. Luke would have curse at himself. Ashton had balance the whole formal-but-not-too-formal thing way to easily. It wasn’t fair.

          The blond man got back in his room, grabbed a pair of black skinny jean and started to button-up a white shirt hastily.

          “Luke?” Ashton asked quieter that before but he was much closer, his head pass the doorway.

          The younger man whipped his head around to look at the intruder with wide eyes, his hands still half way up the shirt. He froze for the second time of the day. The other man went further into the room, and stood in front of Luke who still hasn’t move the slightest. He slowly rose a hand, not without mirroring a scene from earlier that day. He brushed delicately Luke’s left collarbone.

          “You’re tattooed as well.” Ashton muttered, his fingertip passing over the three small black triangles. “I wanted to mention it earlier but I forgot.”

          Luke pulled backed curtly, his head hung low, eyes riveted on the floor, hoping it would hide his blush and trouble. “It’s nothing compared to yours”. He quickly buttoned up the few holes left, covering the symbols inked in his skin. Skin that was left burned after Ashton’s touch.

          “I’m ready now. Shall we go?” the blonde asked, closing the topic.

          Ashton nodded, even if it was clear he wanted to ask more. They left their building and climbed into an almost familiar black SUV. The drive to Michael and Calum’s was pretty much silent, except a couple of small talk sentences exchanged. Their quietness wasn’t too uncomfortable, yet you could feel the underlying tension of the previous events persist in the air.  

          All was soon washed away, when they entered their friends’ flat. A nice smell of cooking filled the place and joyful contagious laughs were heard from the moment Michael opened the door. He led them to the living room where Calum and his sister, Mali, were sat. The young woman was gorgeous, even in Luke’s eyes. But the most striking thing was her pearl-white smile, something she shared with her brother. She stood up from the coach and came straight to Ashton hugging him tightly.

          “Ashton! So good to finally see you after all I heard!” she enthusiastically greeted him.

          “All in bad, I guess” Ashton teased, a playful smile on his lips.

          “Obviously.” She then turned to the blonde “And you must be …Olivia then.” She chuckled making the whole room laughed with her.

          “Luke, actually.” the young man answered a bit nervously.

          “He’s my flatmate.” Ashton explained.

          “You’ve got a flatmate?”

          “And no girlfriend anymore.”

          “My, my! I need to be updated. Calum why haven’t you told me?”

          Even if Mali and Ashton never met they got to know each other by Calum’s intermediate. They usually asked about the other whenever they could. At some point Calum had to admit he was getting a bit fed up with that.

          “Hey! It’s not my job, ask him directly. Plus, it’s very recent.”

          Which is exactly what she did. With that the conversation started between the five young adults, sometime with small side talks only involving two or three of them. They soon move to the dining table, continuing to spend a joyful moment. Luke noticed that only water was served and he mentally thanked Calum for being so diligent and dedicated. The young man felt a bit left aside for some part of the conversation as he wasn’t in their life since long and mostly only knew Ashton. There were a lot of references and names he didn’t catch. But it wasn’t that bad and beside being only a little engaged in the discussion he spent a good time just being with friendly people.

          At some point the discussion shifted to the planning of Michael and Calum’s wedding which was coming really soon now. Luke got it in discussion that Mali was the Calum’s maid of honour, while Ashton was Michael’s best man.

          “Are you coming to the wedding, Luke?” Mali asked in the middle of the conversation.

          “Hum… No?” Luke hesitated while looking at the two fiancés alternatively.

          “You should come.” Michael said a warm smile.

          “Yeah!” Calum approved. “The invites and the seating plan and already done, but you know, you could take Olivia’s place.”

          “Oh true, we have a free place now actually.” Michael nodded along.

          “So what do you say?”

          “Of course” Luke smiled his best. He didn’t want to be ungrateful, he was really happy and honoured that they considered him as friend close enough to be invited to the celebration. But something was bothering him: “taking Olivia’s place”. No way. Not that he didn’t like her, he never even met the girl. But what it meant for his association with Ashton. That didn’t please him.

          “See!” Mali nudged Ashton. “I told you, he was Olivia.”

          “Oh shut up already”. The honey-haired man sassed, rolling his eyes.

          Luke could tell he wasn’t too fond of the evocation of his ex-girlfriend along the evening. Everyone seemed to get the hint, or maybe it was just the odds, but no one mentioned her name anymore. Luke, though, kept thinking about it for a moment. The way Ashton close this topic meant for sure that Ashton didn’t think, such a thing as Luke and him, would ever happen. And for obvious reason: he wasn’t attracted to guys to start with. Remembering this made Luke calm down a little bit. It was silly to get worked up for that. Why was he even so angry at the comparison? He should just have laughed like the others.

          Yet he just made him feel bad, with a mixture of sadness, fear, anxiety, anger and frustration. He wanted to shout that he wasn’t even looking for a relationship. That there was even less than zero chance for him to be the next Olivia. Not in a million year. But he couldn’t say that, because that would only lead to too much questions.

          Even if Luke spend a good moment he was a bit relieved when the goodbyes came. He was starting to feel suffocated in there. He just wanted to go home and to be alone for a while, sleep a long time, push all his thoughts and memories away.

 

 

          “What’s between them?” Mali asked to her brother while helping him cleaning the table.

          “What’s between who?”

          “Ashton and Luke?”

          “Well I told you all I know.”

          “Hum….” She trailed off, thoughtful. “Do you think there could be something more?”

          “More…?”

          “Yeah.” She shrugged. “Luke has been very silent after my, not so elegant, joke about Olivia. And Ashton kept sending him glance to check up on him discreetly.”

          “They’re just friends, Mali. Ashton doesn’t swing this way.”

          “Luke does, right?!” she beamed.

          Calum just rolled his eye long and obnoxiously.

          “I guess your plan is working just fine then.” She went on a little while after. But her brother didn’t answer immediately. His whole face became serious and almost dark.

          “A little too well…”

          “Well hide your optimism my dear!” Michael sassed coming in the room and joining their conversation.

          “What’s wrong?” Mali asked, suddenly all worried.

          “I don’t know. I feel like things are getting much deeper and much more intense than I thought. And I get this feeling that there’s only two options. Either it goes well beyond all my hopes. Either it’s going to be a total disaster.”

          “And, most of all, you feel like it’s going to be your responsibility. Am I guessing right?” his fiancé pushed.

          Calum only nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Few.... there were so many things to fit in this chapter. It's a bit dense, huh ?...  
> I had trouble finding a title for this chapter, but 'more' struck me when i finished it. Also i like it because it refers to the 5sos' song, and "more" is one of my favorite on the new album.
> 
> Hey, did you ever wonder why Calum texted Luke's number to Ashton on that first night? Or even how he got this number? No..? Well i bet now you do :D
> 
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3
> 
>  
> 
> PS: I have a spare Ticket for MYT tour, London 29th of October show, so if someone wants to come with me, i'll be more than please to :) Or if someone is just interested in buying the ticket?


	12. Tea?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry that i took such a long time to write this chapter, but it's twice as long as usual so i hope you'll like it ! :)

 

          Luke got back from his morning run on Sunday, with a saner state of mind. He had calm down from all the turbulent events of the previous day. He felt a bit stupid for overreacting that much. It’s just that the things decided to piled up at the same moment. His weird and sudden attraction to Ashton’s skin, the physical contact that had a little too much effect on him and lastly Mali’s comments during the dinner, suggesting some kind of romantic relationship between the two flatmates. But if you look at it separately it was just some punctual, anecdotal and irrelevant small things. They just occurred to happened in a short span of time, but it didn’t mean anything. There was no need to get all worked up, right? It was just one of those days when you overanalyse everything and when you wake up the next day you figure out you’re the only one who even noticed.

          He stepped into the entrance of his building, greeting by Mr. Sana.

          “Nice run Mr. Hemmings?”

          “Excellent! And it’s just Luke.”

          “Of course… Mr. Hemmings.” Smiled the concierge, almost … playfully.

          Well, who knew the stoic man had a sense of humour deep down? Luke chuckled while he climbed the stairs two by two, as the last push of his morning exercise. He got in the apartment and found Ashton in the kitchen.

          “Hi.” The curly-headed man smiled. “Want some breakfast?”

          Luke nodded but added soon “I can do it myself.”, seeing his flatmate getting a pan out. Ashton seemed to be already done with his meal and Luke didn’t want to bother him. To be completely honest, he also wanted to spend the less time possible with Ashton due to his recent concern.

          “I think I still own you a couple of breakfast actually.”

          “We can also stop counting, you know. I didn’t do it hoping something in return.”

          “Yeah, right. But... I just feel like cooking.” Ashton shrugged.

          “Okay.” Luke tried to sound too defensive. “Do you mind if I get a shower first?”

          “Of course not.”

          The blonde got in his room quickly, shutting and locking the door behind him. If he was the one who acted for the two flatmates to be closer, he was now feeling like they were almost too close. Yet not enough. Despites a couple of tries during the dinner, he failed into getting more information from Ashton’s circle. Also the subject of his researches was always in the same room and that didn’t help at all. But Luke wasn’t ready yet to give up on that. And he knew damn well he couldn’t avoid Ashton. He just had to stop overanalysing every single of their interaction.

          Coming back to the kitchen moments later, fresh and clean, he found Ashton filling a mug of coffee for himself, while freshly baked French toasts were waiting for him on a plate. Luke thanks his flatmate and started to eat quietly. The older man stayed up, leaning against the kitchen counter, scrolling trough his phone. After a minutes he turned off the device.

          “I’ll be in my office if ever your need me.” He said leaving the room.

          Luke nodded and release a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Everything was super normal; he had to stop being so tensed around Ashton, it was getting ridiculous. And ridiculously one-sided too. He tried to push back all these thoughts and to go back to how he was just a couple days before. But it wasn’t that easy. First, because he couldn’t erase what happened from his memory, no matter how much he minimized it. And second, because it was another lazy Sunday and he didn’t have much to do to busy his brain with something else.

          Luke stayed in his bedroom for most of the morning, laying in his bed, watching videos and a couple of episode of a show Alex has recommended to him. He wished he could have talk to him or Jack, but the two were most likely hungover to death, spending all their Sunday to get back to life. He played guitar for a while too but none of that really made him feel better, or did push his thoughts away. Luke felt like he had done absolutely nothing and that he was just wasting time, a felling he loathed. Deciding to act, on several levels, he went to the kitchen and started to make lunch for both him and Ashton. He knew the only way to stop feeling weird about his flatmate was just to spend some normal time with him, to convince his brain that there was absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to worry about. So they’ll eat together like they’ve been several times during the week and everything would be okay.

          The blond man was arranging a set of different-flavoured homemade club sandwiches on a design dish. Maybe a _designer_ dish? Who knew. He climbed upstairs with it balanced in his right hand, and knocked on the door of Ashton’s office with his other hand. He heard a voice inside but the insulation made it indecipherable. Thinking it was probably an invitation, Luke stepped in the room. Only to discover Ashton was actually on the phone.

          “Yeah, I know.” He spoke through the device, eyeing Luke questioningly.

          But the young man didn’t see the look. His two blue eyes were busy studying the office he hasn’t seen before. The room was in the line of Ashton’s bedroom, with black painted wood and rich tone of olive green, brown and bronze for the rest of the decoration. The wooden shelves covered all the right wall, two small brown-leather armchair and a stand stound in front of them. On the left, Ashton’s desk was centred on a thick forest green rug which cover the nice wooden floor that was identical to the majority of the apartment. The small amount of wall that wasn’t hidden by bookcase or such, was painted in a deep grey hue. On the whole the room seemed both very masculine and very cosy.

          “Why not? We’ll see if the occasion comes.” Ashton voice brought Luke back from his contemplation. “Alright. Bye mom.”. And with that the conversation end. Luke stound for a couple of seconds, struck by the fact that he had never heard of Ashton’s mother before and now he had the urge to asked a million questions. But he knew better.

          “Hum… I made sandwiches.” He awkwardly said presenting the dish.

          “Oh my god. Your read in my mind. I’m super hungry.”

          Ashton was already taking a huge bit into the food a mere second later. He closed his laptop and put the dish on it, which was probably against all recommendations. Luke sat on the chair in front of him, taking a sandwich in a more civilized manner. Oh, the irony.

          He was about to ask a vague question about the phone call to start a conversation that would hopefully take Ashton to talk about his family, but Luke’s eyes caught something else. He put his food down and carefully took a sheet of paper from the corner of the desk. It was a drawing, that revealed another one beneath it. A lynx, and a giraffe on the second sheet, wrapped in dedicated and almost geometrical pattern. Luke could tell from a single glance that it was the same design than Ashton’s tattoo. But none of those were actually inked on his flatmate body. Or well, not that he knew off. At this thought Luke felt himself blush a bit.

          “Planning on new tattoos?”

          “Oh, no. These are some old drafts. But I still like them, so maybe I’ll get them done one day.”

          “Yeah, they’re awesome.”

          “Thanks” Ashton said, blushing.

          Luke snapped his head up, looking straight into Ashton’s eyes, when he realised.

          “Wait! You mean... You’ve drawn them?” He asked, incredulous, pointing are the two sheets in his hand.

          “Well… yeah.”

          “What? So you’ve design yourself all of you tattoos?”

          Ashton nodded again. Luke was beyond impressed. He was shocked. He was amazed. And he was still a little bit incredulous.

          “Wow… I don’t know what to say. It’s… just... wow.”

          The older man chuckled at his comment, but his showed a wide, dimpled, bright smile. “I found a tattoo artist who really like it and was ready to reproduce it on me. I got to say his imitation is perfect.”

          After that, they both started to talk about random topics. The conversation went fluidly on between the two and soon the dish was empty and an hour has past. Luke realised that he still hasn’t done what he first intended to.

          “So, you talked to your mom earlier? You never really said anything about her.” Luke tried with an encouraging smile. For a few seconds a silence trailed, as the blond man was getting worry that he might have overstep his boundaries, but Ashton finally answered.

          “She lives in Seer Green, with her husband and my siblings. It’s a small village, about an hour away from London. It’s deep in the countryside. It’s all green, fields and forests, not a skyscraper to be seen.”

          “It is where you were born?”

          “No.” Ashton chuckled. “I’ve always lived in London. She moved away about six years ago when I entered university.”

          “Oh, I see. But she isn’t that far away, I least you can see your family often.” Luke smiled.

         But as soon as the word were spoken, Ashton’s expression darkened. He looked to the side while answering slowly. “I… I almost never go there. I mean, for Christmas and Easter. And that’s basically it.”

          “Why?” Luke almost whispered.

          “I don’t know. I know my mother would like that. But … It seems like it’s never the time. Always too busy or too…”

          “hungover?” Luke suggested with a small but playful smirk.

          Ashton nodded silently. “I guess I should go more often. I kinda miss my siblings. Every time I go I feel like I missed all their childhood, like we just grow further apart every time, almost like I’m not their brother all that much anymore.”

          “Maybe it’s not too late. How about we visit them next week-end?”

          “What? No, we can’t.”

          “Why? Do you have other plans?”

          “Hum… no.”

          “Good. Then we’ll go on Saturday.” And with that Luke took the dish on the desk and flew out of the room before Ashton had the time to counterattack.

          The blonde had to admit he was pretty pleased with himself. He was more than curious about Ashton’s family, as he only heard about his sibling a couple of times. The perspective of a trip in the English countryside to meet them got him all exited already. He felt like it was the missing piece he was looking for since a long time.

 

 

          With that new found energy, the week past rather fast. On that Thursday’s night, Luke’s presence was requested for a cocktail in some fancy –and privatized for the occasion– bar. Ashton had offered him a new suit of the event, saying that the previous one was too formal. The blonde wore black pants with a sky blue shirt and a cyan vest atop. He was a bit uncomfortable in the outfit at first, finding it too bright and too attention-dragging. But he was reassured seeing a lot of people were wearing pop colours as well. Though, he was nervous for other reasons. First, this time he knew absolutely nobody except Ashton, as neither Calum nor Michael would attend the event. Secondly, it was the first time he would actually have to keep an eye on Ashton and most specifically what he’d drink. And finally, he still felt like a stranger in this world, always afraid to do a mistake.

          Though, the petit fours had worth all the sacrifices.

          Luke was pleasantly surprise to see that Ashton didn’t need to be reminded to stay to the soft drinks. Obviously, and as a sign of support, Luke had stopped drinking alcohol since Ashton did, which may have got him a few perplexes looks. But he didn’t really care. That was the good part of not knowing who these people were, their judgements meant nothing. But speaking of strange looks, he noticed a few when he was introduced. As Ashton couldn’t really say he was his flatmates or even less, his sober coach, he only referred to Luke as his ‘friend’. And at first it seemed to work, and everybody gave him a welcoming smile, more or less forced. But then people started to ask questions about what Luke was doing. And when he said he was a physio, it rose a couple of eyebrows. Then they all had the same pattern of action. Their eyes would make a couple of back and forth between Luke and Ashton, the corner of their mouths would rise in a salacious smirk accompanied with a haughty huff and finally they would change the subject as if nothing happened.

          Luke was rather pissed, but he couldn’t really say anything. He started to understand that Ashton had probably faced a thousand of these situations and that was how he had learned to build those huge walls around him, which Luke was trying to slowly put down.

          He also wanted to denied their presumptions and tell them they got the wrong idea. But he didn’t really know how to, and in the end, said nothing. He talked about it with Ashton, in the SUV back to their apartment, but the older man just brushed it away.

          “Yeah, I kinda guessed they would have this silly idea. But the rumour will die soon, as their will be no proof to corroborate.”

          Luke felt relieved, but even more pissed at the same time.

 

 

          When Saturday come around, what happened at the cocktail was far behind. All that was in Luke’s head was the upcoming visit to the Irwin’s. It was almost as if he was the one going to see his relatives. Also it was his first time travelling in England. Well travelling wasn’t maybe the word, but getting from London, where he had stayed ever since he left Australia. He was a bit surprised to see how fast the suburban houses replaced the buildings. And soon after, the tree took their places. They were driving in the middle of the countryside, in between fields and forests, just like Ashton as said.

          The older man had a car brought to the apartment sooner that day, but there was no driver this time, keeping this task to himself. That had Luke asking himself how did the car got there and/or what happened to the driver. But he kept that to himself.

          The journey went by faster than he expected, maybe because he kept staring at the window the whole time. They left the high speed road for a smaller one, they crossed a couple of small villages before Ashton took an even smaller road, almost a track that cut through the forest. Soon they arrived to what looked like an old farm, all renovated. It was a simple rectangular building, two-storeys high, with an attic big enough to fit another level. The windows were high white-framed bay, letting guess that the ceilings were crazily high as well.

          Ashton parked the car at the end of the alley, in front of a five-step very large stairs. Before they could even reach for the bell, the door swung open and a lady in her mid-forty appeared on the threshold. She was rather short compared to the two, despite her heels. Her rounded silhouette and her affectionate smile could make anyone feel home in an instant. She greeted Ashton with a thigh hug. Then turn to his companion.

          “You must be Luke. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

          “Pleasure shared, Mrs Irwin.”

         The blond man went to extend his hand, but got engulfed in another hug which he gladly returned. Ashton’s mother lead them inside the house, which was, overall, like Luke would have imagined it. The rooms were big volumes, higher than your usual standards, decorated with care. The style was somewhat in the tradition of their own apartment, but Luke found it more casual and less modern. It reflected its countryside position. The presence here and there of toys and other left about objects betrayed the fact that kids lived in the house. Luke thought at this moment that he didn’t really know how old were Ashton’s siblings. From what he had heard he thought they were early teenagers.

          He figured out he wasn’t too wrong when two rocket-fast silhouettes crashed onto Ashton, almost making lost his balance. Ashton’s sister seemed to be around fifteen while his younger brother look about eleven or twelve years old. Their little group exchange warm greetings and a couple of jokes, still packed together. Luke stared at the lovely reunion with fond; it was truly heart-warming. Even though it stung a little bit, exacerbating his own loneliness.

 

 

          Ashton was more than happy to see his brother and sister cheer for his visit. He wanted to spent some time with them, but he also wanted to have a full conversation face-to-face and heart-to-hear with his mother. He never told her, despite her regular calls and questionings, about his problems, weather it was about alcohol, about Olivia, or even about Luke back when he was on the list. Even if he wasn’t too confident about this discussion he knew he had to. And this time it wasn’t Luke initiating the idea, he wanted to do it for himself, leading his own path.

          But when Harry and Lauren prayed him to play football in the backyard with them, he didn’t know how to tell them. He glanced at his mom, seeking for her help, but she didn’t seem to catch his request. Thankfully, Luke on the other hand, perfectly understood.

          “Hey, how about I play with them some time while you catch up with your mom and we’ll trade place later?”

          Ashton nodded with relief and send Luke a thankful look, which got responded by a warm smile meaning ‘no problem’. The blonde let himself be dragged out by his to furry of siblings and disappeared.

          “Tea?” his mom suggested.

          How English of her, Ashton thought but agreed, nevertheless. Moments later they were sat in the living room, a dish of sweets and small tarts in front of them, each a cup of green tea in their hands. Ashton’s mother looked by the window to see Luke and her children playing, she had another of her fond smiled and started the conversation.

          “He seemed to be a nice boy.”

          “Luke? Yes, he’s pretty great.”

          His mother slightly arched an eyebrow not expecting to see this much fond in both his voice and his expression. “I thought you’d be much more reticent to the idea of having a flatmate.”

          “I was. In the beginning. But, Luke is really nice and he helps. A lot.”

          “Helps?”

          “Mom…” Ashton swallow difficulty. He voice was wavering a little. He avoided her eyes before he went on. “I guess I should have told you a long time ago already, but… I was afraid of what you’d think. I have been drunk more than I should and more than I can count, in the past few months. I didn’t feel good, and I tried to drown it in alcohol. But, I stopped. I’m trying at least. It hasn’t been long yet, but I want to quit this had habit. And for that, yeah, Luke helps a lot.”

          “Ash… Of course you should have told me sooner! I’m your mother, I’m the one you’re supposed to turn to when you’re facing a problem.” Even if some peak of anger or frustration or maybe disappointment were heard in her voice, she was mainly joking with her scolding attitude. She took a softer expression then. “But I’m happy you found someone to turn to anyway. And I totally support your decision to stop. Though, you said you didn’t feel good, why?”

          Ashton started to talk about Olivia and that lead him to open up about something he hasn’t told Luke, or anyone else yet. He explained how he felt constantly judged and looked down to, by everyone in his world but especially by his own grand-mother.

          “Gran never seems to pay attention to me. I mean she only does when she wants to force her decisions of me, or when she reprimand me about the littlest things. It’s like I’m never good enough for her. No matter how hard I try. I know she’s not a very demonstrative person. I know she will never tell me she loves me or offer me homemade brownie. But… I just wish she wasn’t so hard on me. Sometimes I just come to think it’s actually was I deserve.”

          “What the hell are you talking about? Ashton, you deserve the best. And she would have every reason to be proud of you. You know what? Screw her if she’s not, because I am. I am so proud of the man you’ve become.”

          There was a lot of information in that answer. Ashton knew since a while already that his mother and her mother weren’t on the greatest terms. His grand-mother would rather forget that she has a daughter except if it was specially brought in the conversation and would never miss a chance to place a sharp comment. For a couple years she had avoided all the family reunions, for Christmas and Easter, claiming she had had other invitations she had had to accept. Last year she had even tried to make Ashton come with her, preventing him from seeing his own family on the holiday.

          But the young man never thought his mother reciprocated the same amount of animosity. He never thought he would hear her cuss after her openly, even though it was just to her son. She was always so kind in front of her children and, really, in front of most people he knew. The outburst clashed with her usual loving personality.

          To be honest though, Ashton didn’t care all that much about it at the moment. What shocked him really was that his mother told him she was proud of him. He had been looking for these words for so long. Maybe not consciously, but he realized when his eyes watered that he wanted to hear that so badly. He first wanted to hear it from his grand-mother who put so much pressure or him, but that coming from his mom was just as good.

          “Mom….” He said more brokenly then he wished.

          He wanted to act all tough and in control. To smile and just answer ‘thanks’ as if nothing. Like he had learned to do along his years in the media industry. Like he had been taught to. But he couldn’t. The sudden emotion washed over him and caught him up by surprise, impossible to control. His mother wrapped her arms around him and hold him close. Long. Long enough for him de recompose his mask and to pretend he was fine.

          They continued to chat, with a lighter tone, after all that. They cached up on the smallest things and laughed light-heartedly. Ashton fell as if a weight had been taken off his shoulder. His mother felt as if an ancient wound had finally started to heal.

 

 

          The tea was long cold when Luke traded his place with Ashton to keep company with his mother. The older man when upstairs with his sibling as they were done playing outside, probably bit exhausted, because Luke surely was. Even if he briefly saw Ashton he still noticed his slightly swollen eyes, but he saw a happy and relaxed smiled playing on his lips as well, so he didn’t question it. For now, at least.

          Mrs Irwin went to fill another teapot, while Luke took place on the coach, exactly were his flatmate has been moments prior.

          “Ashton seems to trust you a lot. So I’m going to trust you as well” Ashton’s mother started when she entered back the room, cutting straight into the matter it seems. “I’m sure you’re curious about him, because he probably hasn’t told you everything. And I won’t neither, but I can tell you another story that could help: mine.”

          Luke was all ears opened. He didn’t expect his quest for information about Ashton and his family to be so easily fulfilled but he was definitely not going to complain. He took a sip of the tea Mrs. Irwin just served him and waited for her to begin her tale.

          “I grew up with a busy mom and a sick dad. Heart disease. Today we could probably make him live as if nothing, but thirty-five years ago, it wasn’t the same. They tried to operated him, it was at high risk and he died in the surgery. It left only me and my mom. You’d think it would make us closer than ever, but it did the exact opposite. She threw herself in her carrier. And with what success! It wasn’t easy for a woman alone to became such a powerful figure. She had always been tough, but that made ever unbreakable.”

          She paused to take a sip of her cup. Luke looked at her with a blank expression, he wasn’t sure what to do, what to say, or even if he had to do or say anything. Mrs. Irwin was talking in a distant voice that sometime seemed a little cold, but that also held something that sounded like regrets to Luke.

          “I spend my late childhood and all teenage years surrounded and engulfed in the media industry. Newspaper, radio, TV. It seemed very exciting to my classmate. For me it was home, somewhat. Journalists and writers took more care of me than my own mother. Each had their speciality: sports, fashion, politics, but my favourites were the art specialists. They give me half of my culture and education. And I will never thank them enough for that. I tried to share my passion for art with Ashton when he was a kid. But now it’s all flanged by the capitalist culture my mother is forcing on him.

          “Anyway. For a while I worked at one of the family’s newspaper as an art critic. It was all great for me, but my mother never really liked it. She thought I was just ‘playing’ and having fun instead of taking some real responsibilities. She started to hate me when I got Ashton. She never agreed with the way I educated him. She always tried to contradict my lessons with her own. I didn’t want to spilt the family as it was already not very numerous so I let her do. Who was I to prevent her from seeing her one and only grand-son? And if I could maintain the small link I still had with my own mother, then so I’d do. And I let it happen.

          “Then I married another man and had two other wonderful children. At first the same pattern happened but Philipp, my husband, wasn’t having it. My mother had barely seen Lauren and Harry along their lives. So she focused on Ashton twice as much as before. He was old enough to have is word to say, and to take his own decision. But all along he’s been majorly influenced by his grand-mother. In the choice of his college, of his major, of his carrier, certainly in the management of _1200 seconds_ as well. She even settled him in one of her apartment. So I can only understand that Ashton feels controlled by her.”

          After her long narrative, a darken expression passed on her face. To Luke, who became fairly good at deciphering the Irwin’s, it was a mixture of anger and sadness. She was upset, but only after herself.

          “And then we decided to leave London. To be honest, we decided to leave _her_ , even though we would not admit it.” She took a shaky breath and whispered “But we also abandoned Ashton. I failed my baby”

          A tear rolled down her cheek slowly. Luke shot closer and rub comfortingly her back, as Mrs. Irwin covered her face with her hands.

          “Mrs. Irwin, you’ve done nothing wrong. It was only natural for you to choose to protect your youngest. And no one can judge you for that.”

          “But I just discovered he’s been through a lot and I didn’t even know. How much of a bad mother am I?”

          “Oh no, you’re nothing like a bad mother. It’s easy to see you love all your children. And if anything you grew up an amazing man. Ashton is not alone, he has people how care about him and who he can lean on. He will be fine.”

          Mrs. Irwin let one last sob leave her mouth before she decided it was time to pull herself together. Her wiped her eyes, straighten her back and took a new sip of tea for reassurance. But before closing the topic, Luke thought he had still one last thing to say.

          “You didn’t fail him, you know, Mrs. Irwin. Even if you weren’t as present in his life, he’s not the slightest mad at you. He hasn’t shut you out at all. See, he’s coming back.”

          “That’s all thanks to you.” she smiled. “And, by the way, it’s Ann Marie.”

 

 

          Later in the afternoon when the sun was setting over the hills around Seek Green, Ashton and Luke made their Goodbye to the Irwin’s. Philippe had gotten home around an hour ago and all the family had gather in the living room to chat. They had a ton of questions for Luke who tried his best to dodge them as he hated to talk about himself. Fortunately, Ann Marie went to his recue saying “leave the poor boy alone, it’s not an interrogatory.”, even if she was herself dying to ask a couple questions.

          Luke was left tired after the day, on the intellectual, emotional and physical plan. What a day! Also he was happy they did it. Ashton and his mother both had let thing that weighted them go, and the young man had also the opportunity to bound with his sibling again. Luke was also surprised to received so many hugs on his departure, he felt like he was living his own family, which surprised him. Finally looking back on the day, and on the week, he realised thing were back normal with his flatmate and he couldn’t be happier about it.

          Relax and satisfied, he let himself be rocked by the smooth progression of their SUV on the road back to London. He would have fallen asleep if Ashton didn’t speak.

 

 

          “They almost adopted you it seems!”

          Luke chuckled “They’re really nice. All of your family.”

          “Yeah. I’m glad I got to see them. Harry and Lauren are growing up so fast. Lauren is almost a woman already. I can’t believe it. It makes my older brother instinct kick in” Ashton laughed.

          “I wouldn’t be too worry though. Women in your family seem to have quite strong personalities.”

          Ashton tilled his head, and took his eyes of the road for a second to look at Luke. “Did my mother made an impression on you?”

          “Oh yes, she did!”

          “I think you made an impression on her as well. She told me to take care of you when she hugged me goodbye.”

          “Did she?”

          “Hu-hum. She likes you!” After a moment Ashton spoke again in a more serious way. “I talk to her. I tried to open up.”

          He started to explain to Luke what he told his mon. Even though he already knew about the alcohol and Oliva, and told Luke about how he felt about his grand-mother. He also talked about his mother’s reaction. As Ashton was being very honest with him, Luke decided to confess how the conversation with Ann Marie went on, on his side. He tried to keep it to the biggest lines and not to give too much details about the story she told him, as he felt it was very personal. He kept it to the minimum, telling Ashton his mom left on her side.

          Ashton was surprised to learn about all that. And promised himself to not let his mother, or the rest of his family, drift away from him again.

          When they arrived to London, the evening was already fairly cut in. They ordered an express delivery as they were both way too tired to cook. Shortly after they were in their respective beds, thinking back to all the events of the day. Ashton felt relieved and happy, a calm and serene smile was still playing on his lips as he was about to fall into Morpheus’ arms.

          Right before he lost consciousness, he remembered what his mom said in their last hug ‘take care of him’. And he had answered ‘I will.’. It sounded like a promise. Not really to his mother, nor to Luke, but to himself. He had made a lot of promises to himself today. Hopefully, he could keep them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna know something? The next chapter will be called "it's all downhill from here"! hehe sorry for the teasing, i usually don't, but .... meh this time i do!   
> Anyways, this chapter was honestly a bit difficult to write. I hope the tone is okay? Tell me what you think about it :D  
> Lots of love,   
> Kassie <3
> 
> Side note: if you want to have an idea of what Ashton's tattoos look like, you can check @\mellegee on IG ;)


	13. It's all downhill from here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> New chapter, i was expecting to fit much more stuff in this one! I'm sorry.  
> Hope you'll still like it.

          Luke and Ashton were laying each on a sofa on the roof top, enjoying what seemed like the last Sunday which would allow it. It was late afternoon and as the time went by, the light became more and more gold-tinted. They were lazily talking about their visit to the Irwin’s the day before. Ashton took a look at his flatmate, munching on grapes, out of the bowl that was between them. If he was totally honest with himself, it was quite a sight. Luke bathing in the warm light, his features enlighten beautifully, a purple round fruit squeezed between his plump lips.

          The places were his mind wondered made him blush a bit. Even if the fading sun wasn’t providing all that much heat anymore, he felt quite hot all of a sudden. It wasn’t the first time he would think about Luke in term that he would usually not employ for another male. He remembered went he first saw him in a suit, just before the Marvaux’ Gala. He knew that he had kept the most neutral face back then, but in reality he was impressed with how good Luke had pulled off the look. The word ‘handsome’ had crossed his mind again during their latest mundane event, only a couple of days before. And he maybe had chosen this special blue suit for him because it underlined his ocean-like eyes. Just maybe.

          Though, the word ‘sexy’ had only occurred once in his head: the day Luke had figured out his tattoos. Ashton remembered vividly when he came back in the apartment after going to the gym with Calum for the first time in two months. Luke was eating breakfast, shirtless, with his bed hair all tousled. But it was quite cute as well. Later that day when he had walked on him buttoning up his shirt he hadn’t even been able to resist the temptation to touch him. Well right now was a second time he thought of him in such terms, he guessed. And all that was a problem.

          If it was only physical, maybe he could have just repressed it, only to the price of a certain frustration. But the range of the issue was wider. He felt himself being overly sensitive to Luke’s compliment. He couldn’t help but blush was he had said that he likes his tattoos or his drawings. It just filled him with a pride he wasn’t used to feel.

          On the whole it was a bigger and deeper problem that Ashton would acknowledge. Until now he would only have pushed it to the back of his mind and try to pretend it had never happened. But, at this moment it was quite the elephant in the room. Ashton never talked about it to anyone, of course, because he even refused admit it to himself. He hasn’t write about it neither. As if he felt uneasy, uncomfortable laying that on the –virtual– paper. It would make it real, or more real. And Ashton wasn’t sure he could have dealt with that. Although, he wasn’t sure he could lie to himself any longer.

          “Ashton?”

          “What?”

          “Did you not hear me?” Luke questioned surprised, but not offended.

          “Sorry” Ashton swallowed down, “I was lost in my mind”.

          “I asked you if you felt like she, indeed, influenced you?”

          They have been talking about Ashton’s relation with his grand-mother before Ashton’s mind wandered elsewhere. He had admitted he felt controlled by her in his global life, as he owned her both his position at 1200” –so basically his job– and his apartment. The blonde had answered that his mother had mentioned she felt like she could have influenced his whole carrier decision.

          “I guess… I mean obviously I wouldn’t be where I am now if it was because of her. So undeniably, she had influenced me to some extent. But she hasn’t forced my hand.”

          Ashton never thought it would be so easy to openly discuss his feelings like that. But it had become somewhat a habit to open up to Luke. More than just being okay with it, it even felt good. Ashton would have never believed it, but he actually enjoyed those moments. Strangely, they always seemed to be suspended in time.

          Speaking of which, time was another issue. Everything was moving really fast, even though it didn’t seem. Ashton had noticed that in just one month, a lot of things had changed in his life. Since he met Luke, the blonde man had made a huge difference for him. Starting with letting Luke in, he had also stopped to drink, he had broken up with Olivia, which meant he had brought to an end an unhealthy relationship, he had reconnected with his family and was working on his relation with his grand-mother, and a couple of other things along the way. So on the whole, it felt like they’ve been through a lot together, despite the small amount of time. It was intense, like wave after wave of emotional events. Ashton guessed it could have been tiring if it wasn’t so … exciting?

          He was surprised himself to feel this way, but he was always impatient to discover what was waiting for him, for them, next. What would bring the next morning? The next week-end? Where would all that lead?

          “Are you happy with your job?” Luke questioned further.

          “Yeah. I mean 1200 seconds is my biggest project, I’ve put a lot of effort in it. And working with Michael and Calum is just great. I trust them and I feel confident in our team. And you know, the Irwin Group, it’s kind of all my life. I can’t picture anyone else inherit it.”

          “Huuuum” Luke trailed off quietly.

          He said nothing for a long time, just staring at the orange and pink sky above them. The sun was setting already; it would be soon time to go back inside. Ashton could see that his flatmate was thinking, rather hard. But he said nothing, though Ashton was curious.

          “What are you thinking about?”

          A second of silence passed, before Luke bit his lower lip, that was back to be freed from his lip ring. He looked hesitant to share what was on his mind. Ashton didn’t want to press him, and he soon figured out, he didn’t need to.

          “I don’t want to sound rude or anything…” started the blond man carefully. “But I was just wondering if…. You know… been deeply influenced since you’re young, could make you genuinely think that this is what you want. I mean, it’s sometimes hard to separate what’s coming from the others and what is our own idea. Influence is a complex process, at least, that’s what I think.”

          Luke wasn’t looking at Ashton, the whole time he kept his eyes riveted to the sky. The older man got the feeling there was a deeper meaning in the words he spoke. But he couldn’t precisely tell what was the subtext. Then Luke’s head snapped to look back at his interlocutor and he smiled shyly.

          “But I don’t put in questions your feelings. It is what it is, and no one can disagree. It was just … you know… wondering.”

          “Yeah… no worries.”

          Moments later they were going back into their apartment and went each in their rooms. But even if they left the rooftop and quit the conversation, Luke’s words didn’t leave Ashton’s mind and he kept thinking about it. He wondered to what extend Luke was right. Maybe there was some truth in his saying. How much has he been influenced by his grand-mother? Was he really a hundred percent happy with his job?

 

 

          This was still swirling in his head when Wednesday came around. Ashton was sat at his desk. After talking with Calum about current businesses, he was back to his inner thoughts, but his assistant had not left the room yet, and noticed.

          “I know what’s bothering you.” Calum stated, a sly smile on his lips.

          “Really?!”

          “Well, yes. It’s not too hard to guess. You’re worry because tonight you’ll see your grand-mother for the first time since you broke up with Olivia and you’re afraid of her reaction.”

          Ashton face probably went so white he could have reflected light.

          “You forgot about the reception for the launching of new women’s magazine?”

          “…Maybe?”

          Calum sighed and shook his head in disapproval but said nothing mean. “I’ll get you an outfit here.” He started to make his way out of the room when he added “And I’ll call Luke.”

          “Thanks Cal.”

          But he was already gone.

 

 

          Ashton was chatting with Anna, grand-mother’s assistant, trying to taste the water about the boss’ mood. Anna had always been his insider. They were on good terms ever since she started to work for the Irwin Group, five years ago. She must have been a great and skilled assistant as she was the one who lasted the longest until now. Even if Ashton was only working in the Group since a year, he still had spent a lot of time hanging around in the company’s building before, and he got to know her along the years. He also knew she quickly became Calum’s friend, as they were both part of the “assistant network” operating in the shadows. For now, all the information he had, was that his grandmother had been mostly calm and quiet that day. Ashton wondered if it was the calm before the storm.

          But his thoughts were interrupted when Luke entered the building. He couldn’t help but smile seeing the young man dressed up. Every time, it stuck him how much the blonde seemed to be out of his comfort zone, yet how good-looking he was like this. Honestly he seemed meant to wear stuff like that. As today was more of a casual event, he wore dark jeans, the sky blue shirt he has worn before and a thick beige wool cardigan, that Ashton knew too well.

          “I think you have something that belongs to me” he teased, joining him at the entrance.

          Luke visibly blushed and muttered “Sorry. It’s Calum’s idea. I didn’t mean to go through your stuff…”.

          “Relax” Ashton chuckled, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I don’t mind. Actually, it looks good on you.”

          Luke blushed even harder. Ashton had to bite the inner side of his cheek not to smile too much. It was fun to see his flatmate turning as red as a tomato –or a strawberry. And okay… he found him really cute when all flushed. Yet another word he never thought he would have used to describe another man.

          Ashton lead them to Anna, in the middle of the hallway. Luke seemed happy to see a familiar face. They exchanged friendly greetings and news on the way to the elevator. Soon the trio reached one of the higher levels of the twenty-storey building. They followed the muffled sound of chattering to a reception room. This one had the opposite wall entirely made of transparent glass that provided a beautiful view on surroundings. On one side was a buffet and on the other was a small stage, in between the room was already filled with around fifty to sixty persons. As the room was not that big, it seemed already crowded.

          They made their way toward the buffet and Ashton grabbed two glasses of orange juice, one he handed to Luke. Much to his surprise, Anna followed with the same choice. He wondered if it was a deliberate act or just a coincidence. Of course, it was not. Anna was probably closer to his grand-mother than himself, and she knew all her life. So obviously, she would know about Ashton’s as well, that was all in his grand-mother’s control. He wasn’t too fond of this discovery, but there was nothing he could do.

          Before any of them could start a new conversation, the speeches on the stage started. First a middle-aged woman talked. She was self-introduced as Rose Gadson, and was at the head of this new magazine launched by the Group. Then Ashton’s grand-mother’s made her discourse, ending it the fakest smile he had ever seen. A couple of peoples spoke shortly after, and soon Rose Gadson was back on stage to invite everyone to enjoy the buffet.

          “We’ll stay for around an hour and leave.” Ashton whisper in Luke’s ear. His flatmate nodded and smiled small. “I have a couple of people to talk to, feel free to binge on the buffet for me.” He said jokingly. He was sure Luke had seen right through his nervous chuckle, hiding his anticipation to talk to a certain old lady.

          Luke gave him an encouraging smiled and turn to Anna, who was eying them discretely, but not discretely enough. He engulfed himself into the crowd. He didn’t go straight to his grand-mother but temporize the inevitable by talking to a few people he knew first. The minutes seemed to go by like seconds as he convinced himself he wasn’t pushing the difficult talk away. But you can’t run away from what is bound to happen, and if Ashton wasn’t going to his grand-mother, then his grand-mother was coming to him.

          “My apologies, gentlemen, can I borrow you my grand-son for a moment?” she politely disguised the order.

          The two men talking with Ashton disappeared in a heartbeat, leaving Ashton to his fate.

          “Gran.” He greeted, tensed. “You look great.”

          “Yes. I have not a foot in the tomb already, as some say, many would think and even more would like.” She said sharply. “Maybe you’re one of those two, as you don’t even share your news with me. Do I have to learn about my grand-son’s life by the news?”

          “Gran, you are the news, you knew before anyone else.”

          Ashton was surprised by his own answer. He was sassy sometimes, but he had never dared to come at his grand-mother. Most likely because she frightened him a little bit. If you had ever seen her infuriated, who would wish to never have seen it, pray to stay alive after, and never want to see that again.

          She arched an eyebrow, but said nothing. Ashton was starting to sweat, afraid of the worst. “Fine I knew before it was in the news. But that doesn’t change the fact that you should have told me in first place.”

          “Sorry. And I’m sorry I broke up with Olivia too.”

          “Why are you sorry for that?!” She exclaimed. Before Ashton had the time to develop, she continued quickly. “It was about time! This girl had made her time, and she had nothing to offer you anymore.”

          Ashton was left taken aback. He wasn’t expecting his grand-mother to actually agree on his decision. Even if, of course, it was for the most dubious reasons.

          “I see you brought Luke. So you’re following some of my advices, at least.”

          Ashton tensed back at the mention of his flatmates, he felt strangely protective of him all of sudden. Which made no sense, thinking about it, as Luke was just as caught in a devil’s deal with her, as he was himself.

          “I try.” He answered, a bit dryly.

          “There are some rumours about you two, starting to spread.”

          Ashton resisted the urge to roll his eyes hard. “I know. And they will be shut down soon, in the lack of proof to corroborate.”

          He was waiting for a nasty answer. Or at least a comment on his sudden lack of politeness. But instead, his grand-mother started to leave. “Enjoy the rest of the evening Ashton.” She said her back already turned to him. The most surprising thing was that her tone was…. Sweet? Ashton didn’t know what to believe. His first instinct was to think she was sarcastic, as she usually would be, but she seemed eerily sincere, living her grand-son perplex, to say the least.

          Ashton was still trying to understand the true meaning of her words when his attention was demanded by someone talking to him. He took on his function, and shook a couple more hands, before he came back to Luke.

          “Is everything okay?”, the blonde asked, “How did it go with your grand-mother?”

          “hum… it went… okay? I guess. I’m not too sure.” Ashton answered, frowning.

          Luke smirked, trying aimlessly to supress a huge smile. A playful glint was glimmering in his eyes.

          “What’s with the twisted smile?”

          The blond man let a breathy laugh out, showing a range of perfectly white teeth. “I think you _know_ it went well, but you just won’t believe it. Though, the look on your face is worth it.”

          “Very supportive of you. Thanks.” Ashton sassed, but he was smiling too. He did that a lot around his flatmate lately. “I just don’t get why. I don’t understand her. I guess I never did and I guess she doesn’t actually want anyone to. Whatever. Let’s get out of here.”

          More than half of the room was already gone and Ashton assessed he had given enough of his time. He led Luke outside, where one of the company’s black SUV was waiting for them, or basically for anyone who would need it.

          The ride was mostly silent. Ashton was comfortable with that, but he felt like his flatmate was avoiding to cross eyes with him. Luke’s phone was buzzing almost constantly in his pocket, and even from the other side of the backseat, Ashton could hear and feel it. Though, the blonde was sternly looking at the rainy and dark London scrolling outside of his window.

          “Don’t you pick up?” Ashton eventually asked after a couple of minutes.

          “Hum…” Luke trailed, shifting comfortably and still not looking at him. The older man was very curious as to what made Luke so uneasy all of a sudden. He arched an eyebrow, waiting for the other to continue. “It’s my friends … Jack and Alex.”

          “…And…?”

          “And… Hum… They’re insisting on ...” Luke dropped, word after word, before he rushed the end, “… me inviting you to their party on Saturday.”

          “What? Why do they want to invite... me?”

          “Well, since I told them I have a flatmate they’ve been desperately trying to meet you. I don’t know, I guess they just want to see how you are. They’re curious.”

          “Why didn’t _you_ want them to meet me?”. Ashton felt suddenly offended. Was Luke ashamed of him? That thought made his heart ache more than was prepared for.

          “Because it was always over parties, bars and pubs. And I’m not sure that a good idea. You know?”

          Yes, he knew. But he strangely felt like contradicting Luke, cost to cost. Maybe he wanted to prove himself. To whom? That was a good question he couldn’t even have answered, but at this moment he didn’t care.

          Maybe he should have listened to Luke, though. Luke was always the responsible, the balanced, the reasonable one. Luke was the voice of wisdom. But he wasn’t and he didn’t listen.

          “Let’s go to this party.” He stated.

          “Ash… You’re sure?”

          “Yes, I am. I can do it, and you’ll be there anyway.” Luke thought for a moment, but Ashton beaten him and spoke again. “So Saturday it is.”

          “Alright.” Luke slowly and reluctantly agreed.

          If his flatmate’s doubts weren’t enough of a warning, then the song playing on the radio, “all downhill from here” by New Found Glory, should have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... Big teaser for what's coming next, i guess??  
> I was originally thinking of writing the party in this chapter, but it's already long... So it will wait the next one. I'm trying my best to write it as fast as i can though!! I hope it will be there next week :)  
> Anyways. I hope you like this chapter, big evolution on Ashton's side even if he still don't want to assume his thoughts. Tell me what you think about it. Feel free to comment ;)  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3


	14. Party Hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't say i didn't warn you ...!

  
          In retrospect, it was a stupid idea from the beginning.

 

          Saturday came around way too soon for Luke’s liking.  He wasn’t sure if he was ready to see his two lives collide willingly. Because, yes, Luke started to think that he had two lives going on in parallel. One where he was just a physio student, your very normal guy. And a second one, where he became, almost without his knowing, a rich and handsome guy’s sober coach, living in the most amazing loft ever and going to fancy receptions.

          All he said to his university’s friends was that he had a flatmate and instantly they wanted to meet the said guy. Luke was wondering what it would be if they knew the whole truth. But honestly he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to see that happening. And on the other hand, he was nervous at the idea to bring Ashton at a student party, given his situation. He knew alcohol would be all over the place, especially knowing Jack and Alex’ affection for wild parties.

          Though maybe deep down, there was a tiny bit of him that was excited. The biggest part of his brain was screaming warnings every second, taking most of the place. But a small part of him had to admit that he was curious to see how this party would go. He wanted to have fun despite his surveillance mission and he wanted to enjoy the moment to the most. Going to a party like that with Ashton wasn’t something that would happen all of the time, and he was impatient to see how his flatmate could fit in his world, the normal world. Luke was pretty sure, Ashton, Jack and Alex would get along easily. And he wanted to see that because it would be just great.

          On the whole it just seemed like the oddest situation ever. The blonde couldn’t help but wonder how he got caught up in it. Looking blankly at his reflection in the mirror while getting ready, he was contemplating his new life in the London. It was eventful, to say the least. But he liked it this way. It kept him busy and on the straight and narrow. He had to say he felt quite happy with where his life was at, at the moment. But he had could escape the weird feeling he had about this night. Maybe it was just his nerves.

          He stepped out of his room once he was ready, and plopped down on a couch waiting for Ashton. Usually it would rather be the other way around but everything seemed slightly different tonight. No drastic change but some little shifts than were still very noticeable.

          First he had told Ashton earlier that they wouldn’t go the party with one of the Irwin Group’s vehicle as it was clear no student would ever do so. He also had to explain that none of his friends knew who Ashton was, nor where he lived, nor how much money he had. Ashton had seemed a little upset that Luke tried to hide him from the rest of his life. But the blonde had then mentioned that he didn’t want to talk about his deal with the Mrs Irwin, which he as pretty sure he wasn’t even allow to expose to anyone. Ashton had visibly relaxed.

          Luke had noticed since the first time they spoke about the party that his flatmate was being very curious of how he was portrayed in his life. And most of the time he didn’t look to happy about the answer. Luke wasn’t really sure why or how to make that improve.

          A second thing that was slightly different this night was the concern about how to dress. Luke didn’t question it and picked up his clothes easily. He wore black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt with a denim jacket on top. Simple, casual, and efficient. Even if he was surprised to see that he was done before Ashton, he didn’t suspect the older man was actually struggling with his choice of outfit. When he finally came don’t into the living room he was slightly blushing and acting all shy and insecure. Luke found it cute but also pretty much irritating, because despite all his inner worries Ashton was pulling off the look perfectly. But hey, what did you expect? With a body like his, Ashton could wear anything, really. Or nothing as well.

          Tough he wore something. Black jeans, just like Luke, a black muscle t-shirt that was probably clinging to his biceps, and a kaki bomber. Ashton’s caramel-coloured hair was pulled back in a small bun, clearing his face and allowing his hazel eyes to shine even brighter than usual.

          “Is that okay?” Ashton timidly asked pointing at himself.

          Luke scoffed internally but decided to tease him a little. “huuum…” he trailed off, scratching his chin. He eyed him up and down ostentatiously before shaking his head in fake disapproval “It was fine, until the shoes…”

          Ashton’s head dropped to look at his feet in his black, stylish, suede street shoes. Luke burst out laughing.

          “Kidding. You look handsome.”

          “Really?”

          “Yeah, and I know what I’m talking about” Luke winked and lead the way out of the apartment.

          They waited a couple of minutes in front of their building for the taxi they had ordered to arrive. Luke gave the address and the car started to slalom in London’s late Saturday night traffic. The city was still busy, despite the hour and the cool weather. The lights glimmered and reflected on every surface soaked by the previous downpour. Now the rain had now stopped, leaving a light mist hang in the atmosphere.

          The air was not only filled with moisture; some tension was also growing up in the silence of the taxi’s interior. Luke wondered If it was due to the night to come or the previous one.

 

 

          On Friday night, Ashton and Luke had cook and eat together, like a lot of other nights. As the week-end began they had chosen to stay up later than usual. They watched a couple of episodes of a show Luke recommended, on Alex’ prior advices. Ashton would have had every reason to be exhausted and to sleep like the good and the just. But, however, he had woken up around 3 in the morning. His room was dark, but not pith black as he had left the curtains open. He forgot to closed them more than he did not. Ashton’s brain must have had an idea that had brought him wide awake, but the second he opened his eyes, it vanished. Ashton groaned turning in his bed, trying aimlessly to fall back in Morpheus’ arms. After what felt like an hour but was not more than ten minutes, he finally decided to get out of bed. He wandered downstairs not really knowing why. He headed to the kitchen thinking a tea would probably help him.

          He put the kettle on and went back to the living room waiting for the water to boil. He briefly looked outside the high bays. The windows had view on the inner small square of the block. They were a couple of old trees, probably oaks by the look of it. They had always given Ashton a sense of reassuring comfort. Time passed, and they evolved, season after season, but they never really changed. Standing there in the exact same position, year after year, since the first time he had stepped in this building, a long, long time ago.

          Ashton was suddenly pulled out of his wanderings when he heard sound coming from Luke’s room. The rummage went on when he got closer. Ashton did not even realise he was standing right behind his flatmate’s door before his hand was on the handle. He hesitated. He perceived a crack of the bed and some muffled voice through the wooden panel. He didn’t know if it was out of worry or out of not-so-platonic curiosity, but he stepped in.

          Luke’s room was plunged into deep darkness. Beside a small bluish DEL light coming from his laptop, on the desk, the blonde’s room had no source of light. The slowly stretching ray of luminescence from the opening door, ended up being the real lighting of the scene.

          Ashton carefully came closer to the bed. For all that he could see the covers were agitated. Another groan came for Luke. Ashton felt uneasy.

          “No…!” mumbled Luke. He moved frantically, tangled in the sheet. But he wasn’t awake. “I… I don’t…”

          Ashton frowned deeply. He took another step and reach the side of the bed.

          “Don’t… want…”

          The silhouette was struggling in hectic, jolting moves. The head was spinning rapidly from one side to the other.

          “No… please… don’t...”

          Ashton decided to shake Luke up from his nightmare. He reached a hand to where he supposed was his shoulder. But it got slapped away with an unexpected violence.

          “Ouch!” he muttered shaking his injured hand in the hair and rubbing it. “Luke!” he called leaning carefully over the bed. “Luke! Wake up! Luke!!”

          The blond man woke up with a start, jolting up so fast, he almost bumped his head hard into Ashton’s. Thankfully the older man had the saving reflex to grab both Luke’s shoulders firmly, kipping steady. In this closeness, all Ashton could see was two blue orbs, widened to no end, fear silently screaming through their look.

          “Luke…?” Ashton whispered.

          The young man was panting. His naked chest rose and fell quickly, and almost out of rhythm.

          “Luke? Are you okay?”. The question was pretty silly and got no answer. “It’s over. You’re safe.”

          He felt under his hands, Luke forcing his muscles to relax. He lolled his head back, releasing a long exhausted breath. He brought both his hands to rub his face. Ashton released his grip but place a comforting hand on Luke’s knee making small circles with his thumb.

          “I was making tea. Maybe you’d like some?” he sweetly asked.

          The blonde nodded. It worried Ashton that his flatmate hadn’t spoken a word. But what worried him the most was the fear in his eyes when he had first woken up. It was not surprise, nor revelation, nor shock. It was scare, panic, horror. He was tetanized. Breathing with difficulty, his body covered in a layer of sweat.

          Ashton wasn’t sure when was the last he had had a nightmare. He knew he had had bad dreams, with terrible futures displayed, even weird or gross actions playing. But he couldn’t recall if he ever had such a terrific nightmare. Ever. He had only seen them in movies, or described in books. It was something else in real life. Even from an exterior point of view it was scary, what was it from the inside?

          Ashton couldn’t help but wondered what had brought Luke in such a state. It made his own chest felt tight. Seeing Luke in pain, made him felt really bad. He wished more than anything else that he could replace that by a smile. He wasn’t sure he if could. But he wanted to try at least.

          When he came back in the room, it was lit up by the golden aura of the bedside lamp. Luke was resting against the headboard, eyes closed, making obvious efforts to slow his breathing.

          “Here.” Ashton said adamantly.

          Luke smiled up to him and took one of the cup of tea. It wasn’t a real smile though. More like one corner of his mouth briefly lifted up. The blonde took a sip of the hot brewage and sighted.

          “Sorry” he mumbled, his throat undeniably tight.

          “No. No problem. Are you feeling better?”

          “Yeah.” Luke breathed out “It was just a dream.”

          Ashton wanted really bad to argue with that. But he knew it was not his place to press Luke into telling something he obviously didn’t want to.

          “Okay…”

          They drank their tea in silence. A weird feeling of incompleteness lingering in the air between them. Ashton eventually got up, wishing Luke to find some rest for the rest of the night. In the morning, they pretended nothing had never happened.

 

 

          Luke was looking outside the taxi’s window, thinking that Ashton would never knew he hadn’t been able to sleep in his bed again that night. He had dragged his blanket to the living room and finally got some rest on one of the navy blue couch. It had a comforting, reassuring, protecting aura. It smelled like Ashton…

 

          The cab couldn’t park anywhere near Alex and Jack’s house. The whole street was filled with cars. They quickly jumped out of the vehicle double-parking. They both stared at the small whitish building –at least that’s what it looked like in the night. Even from the sidewalk you could hear the music booming inside. There was a couple of people standing outside, merely lighten, talking and laughing, their cigarettes glowing in their hands.

          Luke send a look at Ashton and laugh for himself before he said “let’s … party hard!” with the least convinced ton aver. Ashton chuckled. And with that both of them headed inside.

          Luke knew it would be wild. Alex and Jack were known for being party makers. They had invited him to several celebrations already, but he had never accepted. This time it was different though, because his friends were hosting the party at theirs and it was an even. After building a solid reputation for the past two years, it now expended way ahead of their respective majors. It seemed like all the campus now knew when they were planning a party at theirs. It even got a name, without Jack or Alex intervening in the story: the back-to-school party. Not very original, but very clear at least. It was the first one this year, and everybody wanted to be in, to brag about it, be ‘someone’ or at least someone cool on this huge campus. So when they invited Luke he couldn’t decently say no. And he had had a sense that he wouldn’t be able to spare Ashton neither, but it went down even faster than he had expected it.

          And now here they were. In London’s suburbia, standing in from of a simple, small, two-storey house, almost identical to all the others which lined up along the street. Jack and Alex shared their home with two other students: Rian and Zach, who most definitely agreed with and participated in the party hosting. If Alex and Jack were under the spot light as party maker, it was also because of their friends’ contribution. They were figures of the shadow, but for anyone who knew Alex or Jack closely enough, you’d knew how important they were to them. Luke had figured it the first week. He had heard a lot about them, beside never seeing them. The friendship the four of them shared was to be envious of.

          Stepping inside first, with Ashton right behind him, Luke got engulfed in the crowded house. They were people everywhere, a drink in their hands, talking in small groups when the sound level allowed it, which meant only in the entry. In comparison, the music was loud enough to make you deaf in the living room. Luke and Ashton had to sneak in, involuntarily getting pressed up against other people. Part of the crowd was dancing and jumping to the song playing. And Luke was happy that Alex’ taste in music were pretty reliable. He liked rock, pop, punk, a little bit of electro, and had a party playlist full of song to bob your head to. As for now, a remix of ‘Rise’ by Jonas Blue and Jack&Jack was bombing through the walls.

          “Heyyyy! Lukey! You’re just in time. The party is about to get wild!!” Alex shouted in Luke’s hear, appearing out of nowhere. His friend has told him that even if the party officially started at 8PM, Luke would better come for 10PM, when the ambiance was already set up.

          “Hey mate! Welcome to the end of the world!” Alex then greeted Ashton.

          “Everybody knows there’s a party at the end of the world!” A girl next to him that Luke just noticed mused. She grabbed Alex hand and started to drag him into the dancing crowd.

          “Jack is in the backyard!” Alex shouted over his shoulder before he disappeared as fast as he had appeared first.

          Luke decided it was a better idea to actually get outside, it might me a little more breathable than in the stuffed and jammed living room. As he had to cross the room with Ashton to get to the sliding glass doors, he took his flatmate’s wrist in his hand and started to lead the way.

          The small garden was indeed very less packed. It seemed to be more of chill zone. A ping-pong table stood in the middle. A couple of mismatched plastic outdoor furniture were display around it, a few flowerpots in between – some that might or might not be growing weed. Finally, a round table was covered with bottles and cup of different complexions and size, used as an open bar, probably a subsidiary of the kitchen’s one.

          Two teams of three were playing beer-pong, around the table, while a couple of other watched, or chatted around. Jack was sitting on a couch with a girl and a guy Luke thought he has seen before on campus.

          “Hey!” Jack jumped up on his feet to greet Luke with a hug, and turned to Ashton. “You must be the infamous flatmate! I’m Jack, the one and only. Nice to meet you!”

          “Nice to meet you too, I heard so much about you.” Ashton mused, half serious half ironic. He had heard about Jack and Alex from Luke, but they had just been mentioned around, and he didn’t know about them all that much.

          “Same here!” Jack smiled.

          Ashton arched a questioning eyebrow at Luke who pretended to look elsewhere. Damn it! If his friends teamed up to make fun of him, it was going to be very embarrassing.

          “Take something to drink, guys.” Jack invited them. Luke had warned him and Alex not to forced Ashton to drink, saying that if he didn’t want to have alcohol they had to respect he choice. He also had to tell Ashton how, to his friends, he was an all-time sober guy. The older man had say it was very ironical, but as long as it worked, he would go on with the story.

          Jack pointed at the table but let them take what they wanted instead of serving them a mix like he would usually do. Luke and Ashton grabbed the soft drinks, that were actually only there as diluent, and poured themselves two cups. As usual, Luke was supportive and followed Ashton’s diet. He didn’t mind all that much, but this night in particular he would have liked something to calm his nerves.

          They joined the conversation of Jack’s group and got to know the other two. They were actually a couple of second years at London’s college, where they met. They were pretty cute together, without showing endless public demonstrations of affection. The conversation was light and funny, mostly revolving around the campus life.

          At some point Jack took Ashton more or less apart and asked supposedly secretly –even if everyone could hear– if he had any compromising information on Luke. The blonde’s head snapped to look at his flatmates with wide eyes, as the events of the previous night flashed back in his mind.

          “You mean; like the fact he knows Gossip Girl by heart?” Ashton smirked.

          “Hey!” Luke protested, even if in the end, he was pretty relieved that it was all his flatmate would say. “Meanie” he pouted childishly.

          Jack burst out laughing “I’m not even surprised! How…” but he cut himself starting the new sentence.

          “Were you gonna say something insulting?” Luke teased

          “I was gonna say ‘how gay of you!’; it that insulting?”

          “Yeah.” Luke nodded very seriously, then laughed out loud too. He wasn’t offended the slightest. Maybe he should have, because the stereotype wasn’t nice and not something to maintain. But he guessed it could have been worst and he knew his friend didn’t mean any harm nor convey any judgment.

          Fortunately, this drove the conversation elsewhere than on Luke’s dishonour. A little later Jack invited the group to play beer-pong. Luke and Ashton teamed up and filled their cups with soda instead of beer. It did attract to them a couple an interrogating looks, but as they seemed to have Jack’s approval no one said anything. A girl named Ashley, with a buzz cut of platinum blonde hair, joined their team as she didn’t mind the soda. They played against the rest of the group.

          Even if Luke wasn’t the wildest party animal, he had his fair level of skill for the game. Ashton, on his side, hasn’t played in a while, but was a student as well not that long ago, and kept a good level. But Ashley was definitely the best player of their team. But, obviously, none of them could stand the compared to Jack’s skills. Though he already had a few drink and this wasn’t going to be any better.

          In the end they lost but had a lot of fun. Ashton and Ashley got along very well and their share spirit of competition lead them to ask for a rematch. Which they lost as well. Luke was making fun of his own team in this end. And him and Ashton pretended to have a bickering argument that ended with the separation of their team. Actually not, they just stopped to play soda-pong. They kept talking with a few other people crashed down on the couch or chairs, already drunk. It wasn’t the most intellectual discussions, it barely made sense to be honest. But being totally sober on their side, it was pretty fun to watch. The light-headed mood contaminated them soon, and they were giggling for nothing. When Luke lips hurt from smiling too much he asked Ashton if he wanted to dance.

          The party had probably reach his peak at this time. The living room was so packed that is was just bodies bumping into each other in an attempt to dance. It was more like jumping in sync actually. A remix full of basses of “Party Hard” by Andrew W.K. was playing loud enough to wake up the dead. Luke and Ashton squeezed themselves in the middle of the crowd and followed the movement, jumping in rhythm.

          The music was good; the atmosphere was electric; the room was hot. Songs went on and time passed faster than in a dream. Luke lost the track of how long they wear dancing. He didn’t care, he just felt good.

 

 

          Ashton had no idea of the hour, but he knew it’s been a while he was dancing. The room has started to clear up a little bit as a few people were now leaving. The living room was still filled with dancing silhouettes under stroboscopic lights, but now he wasn’t force to jump because it was mostly the only movement allowed. He was facing Luke, dancing with him to the sound of ‘I like to dance’ by Hot Chelle Rae. Ashton had dance with Michael before, at pretty much the same kind of party, back when they were in college too. So it shouldn’t have been nothing new to him. Yet it was.

          It was very new to him to appreciate, and want, to be so close to another guy. He didn’t want the songs to change because every time it did, he was afraid his partner would decide he had enough of dancing. Ashton didn’t have enough at all. He wanted the moment to last forever. He wanted more. He didn’t know exactly was that meant, and he didn’t care. He was just enjoying the moment, not thinking. It was all about the feeling. Feeling Luke hips moving under his hand. Feeling from time to time Luke’s breath in the crook of his neck. Feeling the throbbing rhythm of his heart in his chest.

          But all good things come to an end eventually. Luke leaned in and whisper-shouted in his hear that he had to go the bathroom. The blonde asked him to wait for him there. Ashton nodded but released very reluctantly his grip. As soon as he lost physical contact with him, Ashton was already missing Luke. He stood still for a moment after his flatmate’s tall frame had been swallowed by the crowd.

          Only when some girl got pressed up against him, he snapped out his moment of freezing. A lot of thing come down to him at this moment. The first and maybe the one he should have noticed long ago was the tightness in his jeans. And he was sure it had nothing to do with a new closeness he shared with a beautiful girl. He found her attractive and she was doing her best to seduce him, but it just didn’t work. He felt awkward to her touch, not liking it.

          All of a sudden he was very conscious of himself, of everything that had happen tonight and of everything that had crossed his mind in the previous month. The reality he had been keeping at bay until then hit him with force. The dam had yielded and everything flooded him too fast to be proceed, but too violent to be ignored. He felt nauseous, disoriented, lost.

          And it was too much. He couldn’t bare it. He took a bad decision, knowingly. He knew he would regret later. But the consequences, he didn’t even try to imagine, seemed meaningless in comparison of the relief it was at this very moment.

          He grabbed a cup from someone’s hand. He heard the protest but couldn’t care less. He gulped down the mix of coke and vodka bottoms up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you die out of suspense: next chapter is already available! Double update yay!! Actually it was written as one huge chapter but i felt like dividing it, because it was really really long already.  
> Anyways. Tell me, what you do think will happen next? Have you guessed?  
> The whole nightmare thing was supposed to happen in the previous chapter, but i'm pretty happy with the way it turn out. I really like that scene for some reason. I'm weird, i guess ^^'  
> I'll see you very soon in the next chapter!  
> Lot of love,  
> Kassie <3


	15. Are we having fun yet?

 

          Luke was back in the living room having to sneak his way between dancing bodies. He searched the crowd to find Ashton. He felt like his whole face fell down when his eyes focus on his flatmate. Ashton was giggling drunkenly, one hand on the waist of a girl, the other holding a cup of what was most likely not water.

          He was pretty sure you could have seen the deception, the betrayal and the hurt on his face. It wouldn’t have been worst if Ashton had punched him. At the same time, he was mad at himself.  He had sensed it all along, he had known since the beginning, he was certain the second they stepped in this house, something was going to go wrong. It should have been predictable that Ashton would fall back in his old and terrible ways. They weren’t that old, actually. And Alcohol was all over the place. Luke should have known better; he shouldn’t have left him alone.

          In the wave of emotion that crashed upon him, he didn’t take the time to evaluated his decisions wisely. And took a cup that was standing abandoned on a coffee table against the wall and drank several deep gulps until the cup was empty. End of the party.

          It wasn’t that easy to get out of the packed house with Ashton clumsily walking behind him, but Luke managed to reach the fresh air of the outside. Thankfully the drunken man was pretty cooperative and compliant. Luke had almost forgotten how warm and friendly Ashton was when he was intoxicated. It made it harder for Luke to be upset after him. But he was even angrier at himself, in the need to place his resentment somewhere.

          It was past 2AM according to the taxi’s clock. Luke was staring at the blurry outside, his hand under his chin. Ashton was leaning against him, his head dropped on the blonde’s broad shoulder.

          “Lukey” Ashton muttered, poking Luke’s side. The said man looked down to him questioningly. At first Ashton only giggled before he explained. “That’s how your friend called you. It’s cute. It suits you.”

          Luke blushed despite himself, it was really hard to stay mad at him. He still noticed that Ashton’s drunken behaviour had shifted a bit. He had always been more tactile and friendly but never flirty.

          “Did you have fun tonight?” Ashton asked looking up to Luke.

          The blonde thought for a moment but grinned warmly and answered in a whisper “Yeah. I had fun tonight.”

          Ashton flashed a huge, genuine, toothy and happy smile. “I had fun as well. I liked to dance with you. Will you dance with me again?”

          “Sure.” And Luke wasn’t mad the slightest anymore. He was caught up with Ashton’s goofy ad silly attitude. Maybe it was due to the alcohol running in his own veins, but he was contaminated by the light mood.

          “Will you sing to me like you did before?”

          “Okay.” Luke nodded. He didn’t notice in his reflection on the window that he had glints of playfulness and fond in the eyes.

          Luke didn’t expect the alcohol to affect him that much but he had big troubles to get Ashton out of the car and to half drag, half carry him in to their building. They were not walking straight, almost crashing in any object they could. Once inside the building Ashton started to sing, out of nowhere, out of rhythm and out of tune. “I’ve been wrong…! I’ve been down…!”

          Luke tried to shush him down as the building was dead silent. He called the elevator, as it was totally out of question to use the staircase.

          “Into the bottom of every bottle!”

          “Ashton!” Luke whisper-shouted “Keep your voice down.”

          But obviously the drunken man didn’t listen a word.

          “This five word in my head….!”

          Obviously, he ended up waking someone up. This someone being Mr. Sana, the concierge. Luke learned at the occasion that he was the one living in the ground floor flat, as his sleepy head got through the door. His questioning and scolding look scanned the hall and landed on a mortified Luke and a shameless Ashton.

          “Scream are we having fun yet!!!” he said on top of his lungs, the voice echoing up in the staircase. Luke clamped his hand over Ashton’s mouth muffling the end of the sentence. Too late.

          “Mr. Irwin, Mr. Hemmings!!” started Mr. Sana getting out of his doorway and storming up to them. “I would point out to your young undisciplined minds that…”

          But by chance the elevator reach the ground floor and opened up. Luke pushed Ashton and himself inside and hastily pressed the level number and the button to close the doors. Thankfully they did close before the enraged concierge get to block them.

          Luke released a breath he didn’t know he was holding and pulled his hand off Ashton’s mouth. The older man irrupted in a fit of giggles. Ashton’s giggles were quite a thing. A thing you could not really resist to and Luke found himself laughing along. Once again his dropped every resentment against his flatmates just for the sake of seeing him smile.

          They were both struggling to get inside their flat, not walking straight, leaning aimlessly against the other for support, bumping into the walls and the furniture. They laughed all the way up to Ashton’s bedroom. Luke battling between his own urge to giggle and his unconvinced hushing.

          “This five words in my head…!” Ashton started again to sing out loud.

          Luke rolled his eyes. Even if they were alone in the apartment and in the security of Ashton’s bedroom, he covered Ashton mouth again. He made the older man sit on the side of his bed. Maybe out of a reflex maybe out of pure will, Ashton grabbed Luke wrist in his fall and the blonde landed on top of him. Groaning Luke started to sit up but Ashton kept him close by sneaking an arm around his waist. Luke almost froze as he was straddling his flatmate’s lap, their faces really close. How did he end up here, again?

          “Are we having fun yet?” Ashton whispered in the darkness.

          Luke could fell his breath hitting his own lips. He could smell the bitter taste of alcohol in it. He could sense the way Ashton was slowly leaning in. A big and warm hand caressed Luke’s cheek.

          “Ashton...?”

          He could have gotten away. The arm around his waist was not maintaining any pressure anymore. He knew what was coming. But he didn’t move. All he did was to close his eyes when he felt Ashton’s lips touched his. At first it was slow and sensual. Their kisses conveyed all at once lust, pleasure, and frustration. Their lips attracted and detached in a magnetic dance.

          “Ashton…” Luke murmured their embrace. Himself couldn’t tell if it was a call for more, an interrogation or a warning.

          With a will of their own, Luke’s arm linked behind Ashton’s head and pulled him closer. It rapidly grew hotter and more eager on both side. Tongues chased each other. Hands wandered under shirts. Breathing became panting. Unconsciously, Luke grounded his hips down on Ashton’s. Delightful friction between both their hard members made them moaned in pleasure.

          Suddenly Luke pulled back, eyes widened, as if he only now realised what was happening. Ashton leaned it again but the blonde kept him at distance gripping both his shoulders.

          “Ashton… Don’t.” He said firmly. “You’d regret it.”

          Luke got up and left the room. Ashton fell back on his bed and asleep a few moments later, a single tear running down his cheek.

 

 

          Ashton woke up on Sunday to the sound of the rain smashing against the windows. He groaned and rubbed his face. Messaging his temples, his memories of the previous night came back in his mind. The party. The dance. The drink. And blurry mess of Luke’s eyes, Luke’s smile, Mr Sana, and Luke’s hands. Wow. It was a lot to proceed. But the first and huge feeling that crashed on him with guilt. He felt like shit for drinking again. He knew the reason that lead him too, and still wasn’t ready to think about it, especially not with his brand-new headache. But what he felt the worst about, was that he knew he had disappointed Luke in the process. He remembered his flatmate’s face when he had dragged him out of the dancefloor. Closed, tensed, angry. He knew it was his fault.

          Unlike the other times, the was not water nor painkiller on his nightstand. He didn’t think he deserved it anyway. He got out of his bed and realised he was still full closed. But that was not his most urgent concern. With difficulty he got out of his room and downstairs. Luke’s bedroom’s door was open, but there was no trace of the young man. Ashton thought he might have gone outside, without realising that is was actually raining hard. He got to the kitchen at the pace of a snail. Unsurprisingly there was no breakfast waiting for him.

          Instead there was a note:

_‘Ashton,_

_I’m sorry that this is all very sudden. But I’m living. I can’t take it, I need time and space._

_I hope you’ll understand._

_Take care of you,_

_Luke.’_

 

          In retrospect, it was a stupid idea from the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you all hate me right now...! But hey, this chapter did finally had some action! :D ?  
> I hope you liked this small arc, as much as i had fun writing it. I was looking very forward to get to this point. I really hope it's up to your expectations. Let me know what you think :)  
> Once again i'll try to update as soon as i can.  
> Lots of love,  
> Kassie <3


	16. Silence

          Calum knew it was going a bad day when he first arrived at 1200 seconds on Monday morning. He went straight to Ashton’s office, to review what had to be done urgently, as it was always the case at every beginning of a week. But the room was empty. Calum frowned deeply, still staring at the unoccupied space, as if Ashton would pop out of the desk randomly. He had a feeling there was something bad going on, but didn’t want to be too pessimistic already.

          He went around the other offices asking if anyone had seen Ashton, but all he got were shaken heads and negative answers. Honestly he wasn’t hopping much. He called Ashton several times during the process but he went straight to his voicemail every single time.

          He went to Michael’s office who was busy talking to a group of redactors, Calum silently went next to him and spoke in his ear.

          “Ashton isn’t here. I have a weird feeling. I’m going to his. If ever you got news, call me.”

         Michael nodded with a worried look on his face, as Calum left the room, already dialling his boss’ number, beside knowing it was pointless. The kiwi man jumped in one of the company’s cars that were lined up in front of 1200 seconds’ headquarter. He gave the address and the S.U.V. started right away. He had not much hopes but he dialled Luke’s number at loss of resort to have some information.

          Calum heard the dialled tone. Once. Twice. Tree times. Four times. And voicemail. Calum frowned deeply. He has been an assistant for more than two years now. Along the two different jobs he had, he had spent a lot of time giving phone calls. And he knew you were only send to voicemail after five to six tones, on a normal device. So, most likely, Luke rejected his call.

          The raven-haired man tried no to jump to conclusion too fast. It meant nothing, right? Maybe Luke was at college right now and cut the call because it was being noticed. Yeah… That was a possibility. But it didn’t ease Calum’s apprehension the slightest. He was getting really worry. He felt like something bad had happened.

          He was looking through the window, growing restless, his leg fidgeting uncontrollably. He was internally screaming after the driver and all those other cars! Why was there so much traffic in London now?! Cussing after the whole world they should go faster, Calum was unfortunately only progressing at a slow pace in the jammed circulation.

          Suddenly he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket and rushed to get the call, because it was maybe Luke, his best chance of information. He couldn’t help but being disappointed when he saw it was only Anna, Mrs Irwin’s assistant. Don’t get him wrong, he liked her a lot. Actually if he was straight, he would want to date her. They were often in contact for their respective jobs and tried to help each other every time they could. She had gotten him out of a lot of difficult situations and vice versa. They just made each other lives easier. Though none of them ever complained about their jobs, they both loved it, and were dedicated to it.

          “Hey Anna.” He said, picking up.

          “Calum!!” she exclaimed, anger clear in her voice. “What the hell is going on?!”

          “… good question? What are you talking about?”

          “What am I talking about? _What am I talking about??!_ I’m talking about the blonde giraffe storming in my office, not taking ‘no’ for an answer and heading straight to Mrs. Irwin’s office, saying he didn’t care if she kicked him out because he has already left the apartment!”

          There was a blank on the line, while Calum was still under the shock of the news.

          “What the hell, Calum?! What the hell!!”

          “I…I…”

          “Control the damages, okay? I’ll do my best on my side.” She said on a very calm tone and she ended the conversation. Cleary she saw Calum wouldn’t be any help to the situation so she took the matter in her own hands.

          The Kiwi man was still processing all that he learnt in the small conversation. So that was what happened. It made sense. Well, he was right when he first sensed that something was wrong, and that something bad had happened. Actually this wasn’t ‘bad’ it was worse.

          Calum felt terrible all of sudden. It was his fear coming to life. Damn it! He knew it was going to be a disaster, he should have stopped it while he could. Or better, he should never have had this idea.

          He remembered how it all started. It was very insignificant in the beginning, none of them knew what it would lead to.

 

 

          It was a Friday night. Ashton had left the office, but Calum knew his work wasn’t over. First because he had to get to the Irwin Group’s headquarter to hand some files. And secondly, because he knew too well that he would have to pick Ashton from a bar later that night. It was weighing on him honestly, to see his friend being so down and not being able to do anything. Oh he had tried in the previous mouth. But it was all in vain. Ashton had always refused to open up to him, sober or drunk. Calum didn’t want to give up but he didn’t know what to do.

          Leaving the accounting department, his hands free of the documents he had to deliver, he headed to the direction department. He wasn’t sure if would find his friend or not, given that the late hour. But entering Mrs Irwin’s assistant office, he was happy to see Anna was still there.

          “Perfect timing Cal!” She said getting up from her chair. “Look at this”

          She took a gift basket from the chest of drawers behind her desk. She circled around the table to show it to her friend.

          “Offered to Mrs. Irwin, and she doesn’t want it. It would be a shame to waste it though. Don’t you think?” she smirked.

          Calum eyed the basket:  a pot of French foie gras, a bottle of “Gewurztraminer”, an Alsatian white wine who was rumoured to be perfect for the exceptional food, and finally French cheese cracker. This was not an offer to be turned down.

          “Such a shame, indeed.” Calum nodded along, his taste buds salivating in anticipation.

          Anna chuckled and went searching for two glasses, a corkscrew, and a knife. It was weird to think of the amount of strange things you could find an office. Calum knew you could find a Pyrex measuring glass, rubber rain boots or a vintage and broken Boombox at 1200 seconds headquarters if you knew where to look for.

          In a couple of minutes, they were savouring their haul, around Anna’s desk, only lit by her lamp. The rest of the office was quiet. Most of the people were gone now, especially in this department, though some redactors or freelancers were still working a few storeys lower. It was just them in a dim atmosphere, pretending that nothing beside great food and wine existed at this moment.

          They started to talk about usual stuff, like work, news, Michael, the weather, or Anna’s love life. Calum always felt a little bad that she devoted herself so much to her work that she didn’t date anyone. She had a few adventures, but nothing that morphed into a relationship. She always affirmed it was alright though. She knew where her priorities stood, she was fine on her own and she needed no one. Which was very true; she was doing great by herself. She was strong, intelligent, carrying and beautiful. The one who would get to share her life, would be one lucky person. 

          Calum didn’t exactly know how, but they went to talk about Ashton. Anna was aware of his unhealthy behaviour, even she had never really witness it herself. From what she heard, from Calum, Michael, other member of the Irwin Group or even Mrs Irwin herself, it seemed pretty serious, and not getting any better.  

          “I wish I could do something. But it’s clear that he is refusing my help or Michael’s, or anyone’s basically.”

          “Yeah… Endless question: How to help somebody who doesn’t want to be helped?” Anna sighed.

          “Maybe we’re making it too obvious. That we want to help him, I mean. So he feels forced and reject it. You know, I heard a psychologist on the radio the other day. Someone asked her what was the point in see a professional when you could just talk to anybody. And she answered that what a professional offer is a neutral point of view, someone that has no profit or position in your business.”

          “But Ashton will never agree to go to a psychologist.”

          “I know… But maybe he could find someone neutral.”

          “And by this you mean, _you_ could find someone neutral _for him_ , right?”

          Calum chuckled, he was very transparent, wasn’t he? “Yeah… It would be great if he had someone he could open up to and feel safe about it. Like… I don’t know. Someone who would be in his life, around him, but would have no connection to him otherwise. That’s doesn’t make sense.”

          Anna hummed for a long time, deeply thinking. Then she asked “Like a sober coach, of some sort?”

          “Yeah. I guess? But that would probably still be too obvious for Ashton to accept it. Don’t you think?”

          “I don’t know…” she trailed off. “It depends on how you present it to him.”

          They talked about it for a long time that night, until Calum got a call for a very drunken Ashton. The idea made its ways and soon they were discussing details. They had one simple plan: giving Ashton a flatmate, that be in the confidence of Ashton’s state. The Singapore trip had seemed like a perfect opportunity to put that plan in action.

          Anna had made a good job at making Mrs. Irwin believe that she was the one who came with the idea. While in fact, it was the team of assistant. Though, to be completely honest Calum had always felt a bit uneasy with the situation. He liked he plan, he thought it was a good idea, but he would have never agreed on implementing it so early. He felt like his creation was going out of hand. He had no control on it anymore. But he was at the root of it all, so it was still his responsibility.

 

 

          He had had this feeling earlier that it was either going to be a complete success or an utter disaster. Well, now he had the answer… It was a huge fail. Luke had left. Ashton was most likely in terrible state. He hoped he would be at his flat, because if he was not, he could as well be dead.

          Calum climbed the stairs four by four instead of taking the lift as he felt the urge to be fast. His nerves were growing again as he got closer and closer to the last storey. He had trouble placing the key in the lock, but once it was done, he rushed the process and stormed in the apartment.

          The first sight was not very reassuring as he walked pass the open kitchen, seeing a certain number of empty bottles of beer laying on the counter, a few standing, but most spilled. Taking big steps he crossed the room and was already heading to the stairs when he heard a groan.

          His head snapped to the direction of the sound. His eyes widened when he saw the inert body of his friend laying in a weird contortion between the couch and the coffee table. Despite himself, Calum felt a relieved breath leaving him. Ashton was alive and in one piece, beside not being in a great state; it was the best he could have hopped in such a situation. Calum kneeled beside him examining the scene of the crime. The carcass of a bottle of strong liquor laid a couple of inches again from his head. Calum turned it to read the label. Tequila. Moving his eyes to Ashton’s hand, he discovered it was clenched in a fist around a small ball of paper. Carefully the kiwi man unravelled the fingers and the folds. He read the short note that Luke had left. He placed it on the table and took one final look on his friend face, half buried in the carpet. He spotted a few dry tear stains.

          Calum sighed heavily. He had to say he was still under the shock of the news himself. He didn’t see that coming… So what could it be like for Ashton? He knew from the night on the dinner on, that Luke would go way further what he expected from him. Calum just wanted someone to convince Ashton to stop drinking. But the blonde didn’t superficially cure the symptoms, like he was initially asked. He went for the disease itself, making Ashton open up to him, becoming friends, and sharing a bond Calum wasn’t sure Ashton had shared with anyone else. He guessed he should have been happy that he found someone who really cared about Ashton, and who really tried to help him. But if it was to just leave like that… Yeah, Calum couldn’t help but be a little mad at Luke. It was easy to quit and let the matter in someone else’s hands. It was easy to let them clean up the mess you caused.

          But Calum had more urgent problems than being angry at Luke. He got up and went back to the kitchen, digging under the sink to find a cleaning bucket. Of course, Ashton had a maid who did the cleaning for him. It was included in the pack of leaving in Belgravia. Actually the bucket due his presence only to situations like this one. The kiwi man leaned down and shook Ashton’s shoulder not so gently, only receiving a groan as a response.

          “Ashton! Wake up!” he exclaimed, shaking harder.

          “…Hm…  Huke...?” Ashton muttered.

          Calum sighed again. “No…” He said more softly. “I’m not Luke. But you still need to get up.”

          Ashton groaned and muttered again some intangible words, but slowly emerged out of his state of unconsciousness. He sat up in a daze, but the second he was in a more or less straight position his eyes widened, all very awake and alert all of a sudden. He grabbed the bucket to him and leaned his head down in a quick motion.

          Calum gently patted his shoulder while his boss was emptying his stomach. It took a moment but the vomiting eventually stopped. Being a good friend, the Kiwi man took care of the bucket while Ashton just rested his head against the couch, not much more alive than when he was found. Calum went back to him a few minutes later, handing him a glass of water.

          Ashton took a sip and placed it down next to the note on the coffee table. He started to massage his temples when Calum brook the heavy silence that reigned in the apartment.

          “So… What happened?”

          “Don’t you know?” Ashton said motioning to the note.

          “But before?”

          Ashton sighed and curled on himself, almost burring his head between his knees, his arms folded on top. “It’s my fault. We when to this party last night. Wait, no. The night before. Whatever…. I went stupid and I got drunk.”

          There was a silence while Ashton tried to get his thoughts in order. Calum just waited for more.

          “I don’t really know what happened after. I know he dragged me out of the party the minute he saw me drunk. But after that it’s just a blur. We got back here…. And, I think Mr Sana was angry at us?”

          Calum didn’t notice right away but while he was thinking of the things that could have happened while Ashton was drunk and that could have led to Luke leaving immediately, he suddenly figured that Ashton had never called Mr Sana by his name before. He didn’t refer to him a lot, but every time he did it was usually saying ‘the concierge’. He was surprised that Ashton actually knew his name. But that was just a detail, right? Back to what actually mattered.

          “Do you have any idea what caused him to leave then?”

          “I don’t know… Maybe just the fact that I screw up, big time, and got drunk despite telling him I wouldn’t?”

          “I don’t think Luke would act like that. Although I don’t know him like you do, I pretty sure that not his type...”

          “Yeah… I thought the same. But I don’t remember the rest of the night. It must be serious, because, he would have just talk to me in the morning otherwise.”

          Ashton’s head turned to look at Calum in the eyes. What the kiwi read in his tired hazel orbs was regret, incomprehension and fear. In a fragile voice his friend asked him. “Calum…? Do you think I could have hurt Luke?”

          “Physically?” Calum wondered, rising his eyebrows.

          “No!... Yes… Maybe? I don’t know…”

          “Ashton, you’re not a violent person.” The kiwi man said soothing way. “Not when you’re sober. And not when you’re drunk.”

          Ashton sighed heavily and let his head loll back against the couch again. A silence stretched for a moment. Not a tensed one, but really a comfortable one neither. Calum didn’t really know what to say to make his friend feel better, but he wanted to be there for him, at least.

          “I miss him…” Ashton said in a murmur.

          Calum was sad himself to see him so hurt and tortured with his feelings. He saw his glossy eyes and the way he swallowed with difficulty. Ashton looked broken-hearted to be honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this chapter is a bit of filler... I hope you've enjoyed it anyway. As we're reaching the end, i feel a bit boosted. Just like you I want to get to the final dot. So i'm writing as fast as i can. But real life is also demanding, so please be patient with me, i'm doing my best. 
> 
> A lot of the chapters are named or summed up by the music (the soundtrack, more of less, as i like to think) but this one is almost mute. Therefore its name. I guess it would be a flat-line tone, or a dial tone maybe. It's the aftershock.
> 
> Also the Calum thing is elucidated now! It wasn't that much a big deal i guess? It was all Calum's idea, even though he hasn't done much, he still feel responsible for it. Is he right, is he wrong? You tell me. 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyways. Don't hesitate to tell me your thoughts on this chapter and what's next to come. Feedback is always welcome, in any form you like :)
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Kassie <3


	17. Realisation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but this chapter is really long, and really important. So i hope you'll enjoy it :D

          Even if you were blind you would still see how much his friends were worried for Ashton. Calum had left the apartment a few hours later. Saying he had to go to 1200 seconds’ and work, but he assured his boss that he could take a few days off if he didn’t feel like going back. Ashton both liked it and hated it.

          He liked that his friends were so considerate to him, and did everything to make him feel okay, or at least, a little bit better. But I couldn’t help but feel like he was treated like a child. And that he was a burden. He wanted to be left alone because he thought he didn’t deserve any attention. He felt so damn guilty and so low.

          He also wanted to drink, pretty much all the damn time. But that was something his friends knew all too well themselves. Calum had left but had asked his sister, Mali, to come at Ashton’s. And basically babysit him. Mali was in England since the dinner they all had together and until the wedding, which was getting very close now. She could work from home so she decided to make a long stay in London, to help with all the preparation. She knew her brother and soon-to-be brother-in-law were too busy to be ready of the D day on they own. And she loved being in England too.

          Ashton had tried to discourage her to come, saying she didn’t have to change her plans for him. But she argued she could just as well work form Ashton’s. To that Calum added that curly-headed man shouldn’t say alone, with a pointed look. So Ashton just sight and gave in. Although, it was clear from the second she stepped into the apartment that she wasn’t here to work. She came with nothing but her small handbag and a companionate smile.

          She made tea for both of them. And even if it was comforting to Ashton, it wasn’t a great help. The Kiwi woman had asked him if he wanted to talk, but Ashton had answered with the negative. He hadn’t felt like talking about Luke, or him, or both of them.

          Ashton wanted to keep his thoughts to himself. As if, if he didn’t voice them, then they wouldn’t be real. He was just not ready to grief the loss of Luke already. He wasn’t dead for sure, but he was completely out of his life all of a sudden.

          Mali understood and didn’t push him further to talk. Instead she tried to keep him busy. They cook together their lunch and try to pretend nothing had ever happened. The Kiwi woman was impressed by Ashton’s skills.

          “I used to cook a lot” the curly-headed man sadly smiled. “But then I stopped and started… to drink a lot.” There was a lump in his throat before he even started the next sentence. “And then, there was Luke.”

          Mali placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and opened her mouth to say something probably very sweet and supportive. But Ashton didn’t want to hear it. It was his fault. He didn’t want compassion. He cut her. “He made me cook again.”, he stated firmly, chasing the gloss on his eyes and the breaks in his voice. Mali seemed to get the hidden sense behind the simple sentence.

          For a while it was silent, beside the sound of the knife chopping carrots and pepper bells. Ashton thought he preferred this to talking, even if it was a tensed atmosphere. But Mali thought otherwise as she started again.

          “He changed you, didn’t he?”

_‘He had a huge impact on my life, despite entering it not long ago’_ , he thought. “Yes.”, he just said

          Mali saw a crack in the mask he was trying so hard to keep on, for the public eye. She engulfed in it, before it would be fixed again. She was very curious to what happened exactly, as everybody else, and probably less reticent to act nosy.

          “What did he say when he left?” she asked pretending to be casual.

          Ashton looked at her form the corner of his eyes, evaluating if he should answer or not. “He left a note. Saying he needed time and space.”

          “Does this mean he’s coming back?”

          “I don’t know.” Maybe if had an answer it would feel better. Or maybe worse. “But if that’s what he wants, that’s what I’ll give him: time and space.”

          “Which means?”

          “Which means, I won’t call him, text him, or chase after him.”

          “But you do want him back, right?”

_'More than anything in the world’_ , he thought. “Yes”, he said again.

 

 

          Mali stayed all the afternoon until Calum called to say they would all have diner at his and Michael’s that night. Ashton wasn’t really happy about it as he really wanted nothing else but to be alone now. He also knew that he shouldn’t and that his friends were right in the end. So he reluctantly agreed. Mali made him take a shower and dress up a little better before they started to head to Calum and Michael’s.

          On the whole, the dinner was pretty nice. Everybody made a clear effort to be happy, positive and to avoid at all cost to mention Luke. They mostly told Mali silly anecdotes about their past together: Michael and Ashton’s ups and down through their college life’s adventures, Calum’s arrival in London, Michael and Calum’s implausible scenes which miraculously lead to a beautiful love story. It was a lot of laughs and Ashton had to admit it was fun. He spent a nice evening with his friends who succeeded in making him smile which was pretty much an exploit in this situation.

          After a little of a debate, Ashton was finally able to go back home alone. Calum made him promise to call when he got home. It wasn’t that he was afraid he wouldn’t drive safely, but that he wouldn’t drive to the right place. And yes, the idea had crossed Ashton’s mind. And to be honest, if he really wanted to escape their surveillance and get drunk, he could. They wouldn’t stop him. But maybe this time he would do the right thing?

          Ashton sight on the way back. Yeah, he had survived this day, and he had even smiled. Even if Luke was gone he wasn’t alone. That when it stuck him. Mali was wrong, Luke had not changed Ashton. Yes, he did have a huge impact. But he only made Ashton stronger. He helped him changed and fixed the things that were dysfunctionnig but he never acted on his own. All the things that happened, Ashton did them. He chose to stop drinking, he chose to break up with Olivia, he chose to open up to him, to his mother, he chose to reconnect with his siblings.

          His heart ached a bit thinking about the blonde. Luke had been so amazing, patient and kind. He was such a great person.

          Ashton hated himself for making him go. He knew it was his fault. Whatever he had done two nights ago after the party, it was what make Luke leave. He couldn’t remember it, because of his drunken state, and it made him hate himself even more. But the only thing he could do to redeem his behaviour was to prove he had learned the lesson. He wouldn’t drink, he would be patient and open, and give Luke the time and space he needed.

 

 

          Calum had told Ashton to take one more day off, because he still didn’t look too well, before he had left the previous night. Ashton had agreed because he still needed time for himself to deal with and fully process the recent events. The night had been surprisingly calm and restful. He got up and went downstairs watching the huge and unoccupied space of the flat. It really felt like it was too empty now. Ironically, it was all he had wanted almost two months ago.

          Ashton felt like playing piano to filled the void. And for himself too. It was one way to unravel his thoughts and feelings. Even if he had also planned to write all this later, and try to get a clearer view of the situation, he still felt like this was a first step to be taken previously. When he was playing he was true to himself, true to his emotions. His brain was paused, and he only focus on the present moment.

          It started with a song he couldn’t get out of his mind given how the tittle reflected his own context.

          “I don't want to lie; can we be honest? I don't know what I'd do without your comfort, if you really go first, if you really left. Don't you ever leave me, don't leave me alone”

          Obviously his mind was a mess at this moment, and the melody followed the same path. The piece of music ended up being a mashup. He shifted for another melody, trying to blend the two together. He sang again.

          “You are the light that's leading me to the place, where I find peace again. You are the strength that keeps me walking. You are the hope that keeps me trusting…”

          The sound was very close to another song Ashton remembered so he went with it and add a third party to the mix.

          “I can't keep up and I can't back down. I've been losing so much time. Cause there's you and me, and of all people with nothing to do, nothing to lose. And there's you and me, and of all other people, and I don't know why... I can't keep my eyes off of you.

          “I don't want to call and you not answer, and never see your face light up my phone, every time my head hurts, every time I'm low. Don't you ever leave me, don't you ever go

          “You calm the storms and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. Something about you now, that I can't quite figure out: everything you do is beautiful, everything you do is right. Cause there's you and me, and of all other people with nothing to do, nothing to prove. And there's you and me, and of all other people, and I don't know why… I can't keep my eyes off of you.

          “Even when you're angry, even when I'm cold, don't you ever leave me, don't leave me alone. Don't leave me a-a-a-lone” Ashton ended, slowing the melody and placing a final chord.

          In all honesty, he was pretty satisfied with his creation. It reflected pretty well his state of mind. It was a nice but sad and melancholic love song. _‘Love song?’_ He questioned. Well, yeah maybe. The intensity of his feelings were pretty close a to heartbreak. Ashton winced.

          He got up and left the piano stool only to sit at his desk chair a story higher. He placed himself in front of his computer, that offered him a large white page for today entry.

_‘Luke is gone. I know it’s my fault. We went to this party together and I drank again. I don’t remember exactly what happen in my drunken state, but whatever it was, it made Luke leave. I guess it must be pretty serious. I’m mad at myself for not being able to recall. I’m even madder at myself for drinking again._

_I perfectly know why I did, though. And I already knew back then that it was a terrible idea. I did it anyway. If I had known the consequences, I wouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have, in any case._

_All of this is because I felt overwhelmed, taken by surprise and by storm by feelings I thought I’d never have. Or more precisely, that I’d never have for another man. I had loved to dance with Luke. Not in the same way I used to dance with Michael to our own college parties. Back then it was just a fun thing to do, it made me laugh my ass out. But with Luke… It was different._

_I freaked out because it seemed like I was enjoying it a little too much. I could lie and say it was just the repeated friction of our hips that got a pure mechanical reaction out of my body. Then, the tent in my pants shouldn’t have deflated right after when a pretty girl came to grind on me. But it did._

_I was physically attracted to Luke. “was”? Is it right? It is really in past? I can’t even tell. I’m not sure if the was just a thing of this moment.’_

          Sat at his desk, memories filled Ashton mind without his conscious will. He remembered how beautiful Luke’s face was under the blue and pink hue of the moving lights. He remembered how much he wanted to engrave Luke scent into his mind; a mix of soap, light musky perfume and hair gel. He remembered the way their bodies danced, almost glued together. He remembered how happy he felt when Luke was pushed closer to him by the packed crowd. He remembered the way his hands fitted on the blonde’s hips, a bit different from the curves of a girl, but just as arousing if not more.

          He almost didn’t realise his action when his hand slid inside his sweatpants and rubbed against his half-hard member. He bit in his lower lip as he let his head loll back against the back of his chair. The memories kept resurfacing.

          He remembered how good it felt to grind his hips against Luke’s. He remembered how he had shivered slightly, feeling his flatmate’s breath over the crook of his neck or the shell of his ear. He remembered how much he wanted to let his hands travel elsewhere on Luke’s body. He remembered how he stared at the blonde’s lips, probably more than decency allowed. He remembers how many time he had lick his in frustration.

          His fingers curled around his cock and started a steady rhythm of back and forth. Ashton wondered how it would be if he let his fantasy untangle. He could picture Luke straddling him, in an almost pitch-black room, on the edge of a bed. From then, the movie started to play on its own. He was leaning closer and closer until there was a mere inch between them. He glanced at Luke eyes to see the blonde was only closing them. So he closed the gap as well. At first the contact was sweet and delicate, but a few seconds later they were kissing passionately, in a heavy, slow and demanding way.

          “Ashton” panted Luke on his lips. He sounded incredibly good to hear his name that way. Luke pulled him closer, his hands behind Ashton’s neck. He had his hands around Luke and moved to slide them under his shirt, roaming the warm and soft skin as if he wanted to map it. The kiss grew hotter and hotter. The blond grinded his hips down on him sending a wave of pleasure straight to his aching cock. Luke moaned, or maybe Ashton did.

          Then, the movie stopped, all of a sudden. But that wasn’t it for Ashton, he needed more. His hand was now moving to a quick pace chasing his relief. He needed just a little more. So his brain kicked back in and continued the scene.

          He jolted his hips up, meeting Luke’s and creating delicious friction between them again. The muffled sounded of their moans vibrated through him. Luke seemed to get what he wanted as he started to roll his hips down on him in a sensual pace. Their lips came apart with a wet noise. Ashton could feel Luke quick breathing.

          “Ashton” the blonde moaned again. The curly-headed man groaned, maybe in real life too, and leaned in to place his lips on Luke’s neck, who’s gasped at the feeling. He started to leave open mouth kisses along the blonde’s neck line. Given the moans the younger man was emitting and the tugs Ashton felt on his hair, he was surely enjoying it. The way his hips grinded faster and faster could also testified that. Ashton circled his arms around Luke’s waist to press him completely on him, augmenting even more the pleasure from the movement of their hips, chasing their release. Luke was whimpering small chains of his name just above his ear. Ashton moaned against the skin between his shoulder and neck, he decided it was a perfect spot and started to suck on it. That really send Luke over the edge as he let a broken cry out of his mouth.

          Ashton himself came to that sound, dirtying his shirt, his hand and his sweatpants that were barely pushed down. He was catching his breath refusing to let the rest of his thoughts to come back just yet. He needed a shower. Once he was under the hot water, washing down the traces of his solitary pleasure, he let the image resurface.

          He knew. He knew that was he got off to, wasn’t completely out of his imagination. A big part of it was actual memories. He let his head fall against the tiled wall of the shower. He couldn’t believe it really happened. But he knew. He knew it did.

          And more importantly. He knew why Luke had left.

          It hurt. Really. The guilt, the regret, the rejection. Yeah, mostly, the rejection.

          Ashton sighed. He needed to be honest with himself. Even it was weird, even if it was the first time, even if it freaked him out, he needed to admit it. He was attracted to Luke. A lot. He let himself slide down the wall and sat in the shower.

          There were drops slipping on his face, he couldn’t tell if it was tears of just the shower jet.

 

 

 

          Going back to work was both a relief and a burden. At first Ashton was happy to have something to do and to busy his mind with, as he had been playing his thought on repeat for a while already. It was also nice to show to his friend that he was in perfect functioning state and that he didn’t need them to treat him like a fragile thing.

          But on the other hand, he wasn’t getting a lot of happiness from his work. He loved 1200 seconds from the bottom of his heart, it was his life now, really. But had never been a 100% happy with his position in it. He wished he could do something else something different at the newspaper’s. Luke’s words were back in his mind. He remembered the blonde has asked him, he while ago, bathing in the early October late afternoon sun, if he was happy with his job, despite it being largely influence by his grandmother.

          Back it had answered that he was. But now, he wasn’t too sure anymore. But given his general mood set, everything seemed pretty dull to him. His primary concern laid somewhere else. And he need to get that off his chest before taking any other decisions.

          It was Friday night and the delicious perspective of the week-end was setting a joyful atmosphere all around the offices. Ashton wanted to let himself be contaminated by it, but he seemed hermetically proofed to it. He crossed the floor to get to Michael’s office, feeling a bit like a stranger in his own house. He felt distant from everything to be honest. That was feeling he already had had. He had felt this exact same way before he had met Luke. And that had lead him to drink. But he knew better now, and he wouldn’t do the same mistakes twice.

          He knocked on the door and waited for a muffled voice to say ‘come in’ before he stepped into the room. Calum was there as well, leaned against Michael’s desk, while the red-haired man was sat on his chair a foot away.

          “Am I interrupting something?”

          “No.” they chanted in unison. Okay... He probably was. Anyways, it was actually a good thing they were together as he wanted to talk to them both.

          “Alright. So, I’m calling of a boy’s night. Do you have any other plan for tonight?”

          “Hum… Well Mali was supposed to be at our flat, but I guess it’s nothing we can’t change.” Calum answered with an interrogative look. “What is it about?”

          Ashton shrugged and he sly smiled played on his lips, something he wasn’t even aware he was capable of in his state of mind. “Maybe I have something to tell my two best friends. Maybe….” He trailed off teasingly. Actually, he might have been a little excited about it. And nervous too.

          Calum arched an even more questioning eyebrow, while Michael chuckled. “Alright. It’s on then.” Stated the red-haired man. “Come at 7.”

          “Sure will!”

          And with that Ashton’s week-end started.

 

 

          Later that night he was slouched down in an armchair of Calum and Michael’s living room. A huge amount of junk food was displayed on the coffee table that separated him from the couch were his friends were comfortably sat.

          They have been joking and talking light-heartedly for a moment, while preparing the food and setting the table. Now that say were gather around the unhealthiest meal ever, it seemed like it was time to get into the topic that really matter.

          “What did you want to tell us, Ash?” questioned Calum, who seemed the most impatient to know.

          “Hum…  Well, I don’t really where to start or how to introduce the thing to you, so I guess I’m gonna be pretty blunt. Just don’t laugh at me or whatever, okay?”

          “Of course not.” Reassured Michael in his serious tone, that he didn’t use all the often. He seemed to understand that this time is an important problem to Ashton.

          “I’m … I am... um … I think, I am … attracted… to someone.”

          Ashton wanted to state more than that but the words were incredibly hard to get out of his mouth.

          “Oh.” they both said. Not in the same tone.

          Calum seemed to be genuinely surprised and he bit disappointed as if the revelation wasn’t up to his expectation. Michael was more intrigued and his short answered convey a whole ‘tell me more it’, with a little bit of something else. He didn’t seem surprised actually, and the corner of his mouth was slightly risen up.

          Before any of them could develop their thoughts, Ashton took a deep breath and said in one go. “It’s a guy.”

          “Oh!” they both said. Not in the same tone.

          Calum’s jaw had actually dropped, his mouth left open for a couple a seconds before he realised he had to close it. His chocolate-coloured eyes were wide open and his eyebrow risen to their full capability.

          Michael on the other hand, looked really amused. His was now frankly smiling. His pepper-mint green eyes were shining with a glim of mischievousness. He stared right at Ashton and asked as a dare “Who is it?”

          Ashton swallowed hard. He wasn’t sure what to do. He felt a bit uncomfortable under the burning gaze. So he went with a safe answer, he thought, “Let’s just say it’s some guy, okay?”

          Michael’s smile widened, showing a range of white teeth. That wasn’t good. “Okay, let’s call Luke ‘some guy’ then.”

          “What?!” Calum exclaimed loudly, gaining the attention of the other two who were until then in a seemingly staring contest. The kiwi man looked at them one after the other, mouth agape again. “WHAT?!” he exclaimed again after a moment. Calum was really not processing everything right now.

          Ashton sighed and run a hand through his hair mechanically. “I … might be attracted… by Luke.” He finally confessed through big efforts.

          “So what?” Michael smiled, still bemused by the whole thing apparently, but serious in the question.

          “I don’t know. I don’t how to react. It’s all new to me. And… No offence, but it’s weird. It’s weird to me. I’m not used to it.”

          “It’s okay.” Mike said soothingly. “It’s a good thing you’re not repressing your feelings and that you can open up to us about that as well. It’s a good start.”

          Ashton smiled at his friend. He knew, behind the words, Michael was very glad that he was finally talking to them about personal stuff. They stare at each other for a few seconds. After all the years they’ve known each other, Ashton was capable of deciphering any of Michael’s look. This one said _‘I’m so happy that my best friend is back’_. He was happy as well, and thankful that both him and Calum had been so patient with him.

          Ashton lowered his head to look at his tangled fingers. He shook his head lightly before he started again. “I’m so lost. I don’t know… I don’t know where I stand anymore.”

          “You know; your sexuality might not be set in stone. It means that what you thought was defining it before might not be what does now. And it means that what you figure out now might change in the future. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself about it.”

          Ashton slowly nodded, but he stayed quiet for a long time. He rubbed his face long before he asked warily “Am I gay?”

          Michael chuckled but not in a mocking way. “I can’t tell for you, dude!” His laugh died before he continued “But… If I really have my word to say, I don’t think you are. I just want you to know first that you don’t have to label your sexuality, and place a particular word on it, if you don’t want to. Of course if it helps you, there’s no problem neither. And if you’re going this way, there is a much wider range than just straight or gay.”

          “Care to elaborate on that?”

          “Well, first there is bisexuality, which means being attracted by both men and woman. Then, pansexuality, sometime called omnisexuality as well, but rarely, which refer to attraction for all gender, men, women, trans, gender fluid, etc. Asexuality, which is an absence of sexual desire. Semi-sexual, which is only developing sexual attraction after bonding emotionally with someone, and that can be pan-, bi-, homo- or heterosexual attraction. And I guess that lead me to say that romantic and sexual attraction can be different as well. For instance, begin both bi-romantic and heterosexual. Or vice-versa and there’s a tone of other combinations. Finally, there is the idea of sexual fluid, refusing to define it, because that can change a lot of this persons. And ‘queer’ that encompass a lot of ‘different sexualities’, like outside of gay, straight and bi.”

          Michael finish his review and gulped down his glass quickly as it has been a long rant. Ashton was looking at him still, like he was waiting for something. Honestly, there were question marks floating in his eyes.

          “That’s not helping you.”

          “Nope.”

          They both laughed. A bit longer than they should have, but it’s been a while it hasn’t happened for them to connect that much and have a good heartily laugh.

          “Okay, let’s start again. Are you still attracted to women?”

          “Hum… I don’t know…”

          “If you imagine it, can you see yourself with a girl? Does it disgust you? Make you feel nothing? Do you find it appealing?”

          “I… I’d still like it… I think.”

          “Okay… So, you’re not gay. But you like men as well?”

          “Well yeah, as I find out.”

          “It is just Luke or ...?”

          Michael cut himself when he heard Calum squealed at the mention of the blonde’s name. He had been awfully quiet until then. Following the exchange like ping-pong match and munching on a pizza slice.

          “That’s really about Luke?!” He asked still nonplussed.

          Michael rolled his eyes fondly at him but turned back to Ashton and went on. “So, is it just him?”

          “So far yes. But I’d say, it could be more general. I’m not sure.”

          “…Is it just physical?” The red-haired man asked after a moment of thinking.

          “No…” Ashton mumbled.

          “Oh... Alright.” Mike answered with a bit of a sorry tone. He knew not to push it further, even if he was curious. He had already guessed it was not, seeing Ashton’s reaction to Luke’s departure. But hadn’t thought it would be so deep.

          “So…?”

          “Hum… I’d say you’re probably bisexual. But I can’t really state that for you.”

          “Attracted by both men and women; that’s it, right?”. Michael nodded in approval. “Yeah, that sounds about right.” Ashton acquiesced.

          “You know; even inside bisexuality it’s not like fifty-fifty, you can be attracted more by one gender than the another. But you’ll figure that along the way. If you want to. If you don’t care, none of us cares neither.”

          “Bisexual…” Ashton seemed to be testing the word. “I’m bisexual.”

          “Loader, mate!” Mike cheered.

          “I’m bisexual!”

          They laughed again and then started to talk about something else as if they were just discussing the weather before. Calum seemed to slowly come back to his sense as the night went on. It was an evening full of laughs, smiles and joy. They eat while making silly jokes, gossiping about 1200 seconds employees and later they started to play video games.

          Ashton had no idea how he managed to do it, but Michael still found the time to be a total geek, beside his busy life of editor in chief. So he got his ass beat pretty severely. But it didn’t matter. He was just happy to be with his friends. They were really the best of friends, and he felt so lucky and grateful to have them.

          He was also relieved to have placed a name on what was happening to him. It was reassuring to know that he wasn’t the only one. And that it didn’t change a thing for his friends, which should have pretty obvious, but was still comforting to know.

          In the backseat of the car that brought him back to his flat, he felt a small smile dance on his lips. It was going to be alright.

          Yeah, it was going to be alright.

 

 

          Calum plopped down on the couch after him and Michael had clean the table from the food and drinks. He was staring at nothing in particular. He seemed too tired to think, but looked like he was still trying to. His fiancé joined him a minute later. He sat next to Calum and rub his thigh gently. The kiwi-man sighted and placed his head on Michael’s shoulder, relaxing his whole body to the contact.

          “Mali is gonna be wild.” he said breaking the cosy silence. “She had guess it. Even back at the dinner we all had together. It’s crazy. She’s won’t leave me alone with it.”

          Michael chuckled and looked down with such love, fond and adoration. “Baby” he said trying not to laugh or be condescending. “You were the only one who didn’t see it coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was all the story of how Ashton realised he was bisexual.
> 
> -THE END.
> 
>  
> 
> Lots of Love.   
> Kassie <3


	18. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all gonna hate me. Enjoy

          Ashton fell asleep the second his head hit his pillow. It was already late when he came back from Calum and Michael’s and he was pretty tired by the long day. He had decided to go to bad right away and went straight to Morpheus arms.

          He had no idea for how long he had been sleeping when he got brought back to consciousness. He heard a bit of ruffling downstairs but didn’t make him woke up. His bedroom door slowly open, letting a ray of dim yellow light come in. A silhouette was in the frame, black because back-lit. There were a couple of wary footsteps.

          “Ashton?” a familiar voice whispered.

          He blinked a couple of time, trying to adjust to the absence of light and trying to focus on the dark silhouette getting closer and closer.

          “Hey. I’m sorry to wake you up, I know it’s late, but… hum... I just wanted to tell you that I’m back. If you okay with it, that is.”

          Ashton’s eyes got wide open. “Luke!” he exclaimed sitting up in a heartbeat. Without thinking he reached for the blond man, wrapped his arms around him and pulled him down on the bed. Luke let a surprised noise slip, landing half on Ashton, half on his side.

          “You’re back!” Ashton said almost muffled in Luke’s hair. He squeezed the younger man extremely tight.

          Honestly it was hard to believe. It happened so suddenly. Of course, Ashton was more than happy about Luke’s return. But some part of his brain kept wondering if this was not a dream. It felt very real, though, to hold him in his arms.

          Luke brought a hand to the back of Ashton shoulder rubbing slow circles with the side of his thumb. The older man sighed and relaxed his muscles, that he didn’t even knew where so tensed. He must have been crushing Luke in the hug. But he still maintained a firm hold on him.

          They stayed like this for a moment. It was very comfortable. Or well, at least, it was for Ashton, but Luke didn’t seem to be protesting neither. The curly-headed man had become more aware of their position and their closeness at some point but he was now gradually falling back to sleep. His eyelids were already close even if he was still a bit conscious.

          “Are you gonna let me go?” Luke whisper after a while, as if he was asking a somnolent Ashton that he didn’t want to wake up.

          “No.” He grunted as an answer. And felt a smiled stretched against the skin of his naked chest.

          “Am I supposed to sleep here?”

          “I’m not letting you go”

          “I’m not leaving anymore, Ashton.” Luke said in a comforting tone. But after a couple of seconds he added in a sad voice “Until you ask me to.”

          “I don’t want you to go.” Ashton rebutted sternly, or as much as his dozing off state allowed him.

          “For now. But you might change your mind soon.”

          “I don’t get you” he muttered, confused.

          “I have a lot of things to tell you. But this will wait tomorrow. Sleep now.”

         Ashton wanted to argue, as the words Luke had just said stirred up his curiosity, but he also knew the bond man was right. He was way too tired to have a serious conversation now, which seemed to be what was taking form as horizon.

          Luke squeezed him a bit with the only hand he had around him, which was probably his way to tell him to relax. Ashton tightened his hold too

          Even he his body was exhausted from the day, his brain was working with the little amount of energy it had left. It refused to let go because of the numerous questions that were crossing his mind. Ashton didn’t know how long he stayed somewhat a bit awake, but he knew some time had passed. Luke must have thought he was asleep by now. But he started to hum a melody very lowly.

          Ashton felt it vibrating against him more that he heard it as first. Little by little he recognised the song and soon the word that were barely audible, sung by Luke.

          “All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm. Words like violence, break the silence; come crashing in, into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me. Can't you understand? All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm. Enjoy… the silence…”

          Ashton sense a feeling of nervousness, if not fear, but also a form of sad resignation in the way the words were sang. It was usual for Luke to interpret the songs in a lazily slow tempo, but this time it seemed like he was really having trouble to get the lyric out, as if it meant to much to him. Yeah, he sounded very emotional, a bit overwhelmed.

          Almost unconsciously Ashton brought Luke closer to him, as much as it was possible. Focusing on sweet and low voice the rest of the world and of his thoughts disappeared and soon everything melted into black nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for the revelation of Luke's past? If you've been reading closely (and if you remember well, because some stuff were a while ago now) you would already have a few ideas. But i hope i'll still surprise you a little bit....! Tell me about your speculations! :D  
> So here is the teasing... You can all hate me for it x) I just really wanted this scene to be a stand-alone. Of course I'll do my best to write as fast as i can, but i can't promise anything.  
> Lots of Love  
> Kassie <3


	19. For your eyes only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Chapter 12 was titled 'Tea?' but here is the real tea time! Enjoy :D

 

          Luke woke up feeling a firm pillow under his head, until he realised it was Ashton’s chest. He almost jumped out of the bed if it wasn’t for the two arms still wrapped around him. His head still rose up in a jolting motion, but didn’t woke up Ashton, who just held him tighter unconsciously. Luke took a second to take in his surroundings. It seemed like he hadn’t moved at all during the night. He was in the exact same position, fully clothed and over the sheets. He wondered if Ashton wasn’t cold given that his naked chest had been uncovered for this whole time. But then Luke was on his chest, so maybe he was what kept him warm. And that was a strange thing to think about.

          The blonde let his head fall back gently on Ashton’s chest, as he couldn’t really move anyway. He also had to say it was pretty comfortable. He wondered when was the last time he had such a peaceful sleep. Since the diner they all had together at Michael and Calum’s, nightmares were more frequent, almost every night, no matter if he was tired or not. They had been haunting his dreams for six solid months now, but they didn’t occur this much usually. Lately though, he had been restless. It felt really good to finally have some calmness.

          He wondered why he had avoided Ashton all the week, while it was actually in his hold that he had finally found the sense of security he was craving.

          His heart ached when he thought that it would probably not last long. There were huge chances that Ashton wouldn’t react well to what Luke had to say. He was still happy that they were able to share this moment before he would be kicked out. He wasn’t ready to be rejected but he knew he had to confess all the things he never said.

 

 

          A week before, Luke was entering Alex and Jack’s house with his suitcase dragged in his wake. It was a bit weird to think all his belongings could be packed in such a small space and be carried around like it didn’t matter. To be honest it had been a while he was anchorless. And lost.

          Luke had stepped into the house before midday in the Sunday that had immediately followed the party. There was still people crashed on the floor, half-sleeping half-fainted. There were trashes and stains of devious substance on almost all the surfaces. Jack and Alex were passed out together on the couch in a tangled puzzle of limbs. It was Zack who welcomed him inside; he seemed strangely fine compared to the rest of the décor. He was sober and smiling as if he had no hangover at all. Maybe that was the truth. Rian was woken up too but not in such a good mood.

          Luke left his suitcase and backpack in the entry while he ate breakfast with the two householders that were awake. A couple of people got up and had left in the time they spent eating. After that the tree of them put the rest of the partygoers back on their feet and gently made them leave.

          Alex and Jack were really hungover but that was almost eclipsed by the surprise to see Luke with his luggage. Of course they agreed on hosting him for a moment. They didn’t ask too much questions. First, because they could probably not handle a serious conversation in their state. And secondly because they clearly saw that Luke didn’t want to talk.

          Luke participated in the cleaning of the house and was happy to have something to do and to focus on, rather than his own thoughts and memories. The rest of the day was pretty silent. Everybody needed some time and some calm to recover from one thing or another. The beginning of the following week followed the same spirit. But after a couple of days, it was more than evident that Jack and Alex wanted to know more.

          “Luke? What’s going on? What happened? Is something wrong with Ashton? Did something happen at the party?” they used to ask. But Luke would usually respond with something vague along the lines of “Kinda. Not really.”. Sometimes he didn’t even answer at all.

          On Friday, when a whole week has passed and the situation had not changed a bit, Jack and Alex came to think it was about time to do something. They were asked to go a party, like they usually were, but they cancelled to stay home and have a conversation with their blond friend. It was obvious there was something wrong. He hadn’t cracked a smile in the last six days, He was always lost in his thought, he wore a permanent gloomy expression like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. But he remained silent and all bottled-up.

          “Luke, we just want to help you, you know.” Jack had stated after his question went once again unanswered. But this time they were not giving up.

          “Yeah, we don’t even know why you came here.” Alex pushed.

          There was a sudden flash of realisation in Luke’s eyes, as his head shot up to look at his friends. They thought that maybe it was all he needed to hear and that he would open up. But that didn’t really go that way.

          “I am bothering you staying here? I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I don’t want to be a burden for you guys. I’m sorry. I’m…”

          Luke was frantically moving around collecting stuff as if he was already packing up and would left in a minute.

          “Luke! What the hell are you talking about!” interrupted Alex, pushing him down on the couch again. He was about to scold him but he saw in his wide-open blue eyes and the way his chest was rising and falling quickly. He realised that Luke was completely panicking.

          It took a certain time and both Jack and Alex to calm him back down. The blonde was profusely apologizing; he seemed embarrassed about his reaction while his friends were getting worrier and worrier.

          “Hey, it’s nothing really. As Jack said we just want to help you. It’s obviously something important and that bother you a lot. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, we’re not forcing you. But if I’d be completely honest, I think it would be good if you’d open up. Keeping it all inside is not making you any good.”

          Luke nodded for a long time, curled up on himself on the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees. No need to be genius to see it was a protective position, if his panic attack hasn’t already established that he was afraid.

          “I know.” The blond muttered. He buried his head in his arms making the rest very difficult to understand. “I know I should.”

          He sighed heavily and rose his head again, but only to rest on his knees. He looked really tired. Dark purple circles underlined his eyes. He had nightmares every single night since he had left the flat. But he hasn’t told anyone.

          “I know I should. I think I need to.” He whispered.

          Alex was still rubbing soothing circle on his back. He looked at him expectantly but Luke couldn’t even begin to think about telling him. He shook his head slowly. He sent both him and Jack a regretful look.

          “I think I want to talk to Ashton first. It would only be fair after all the time he opened up to me.”

          “Alright.” Alex said, a bit frustrated or disappointed, but he was trying his best to be good friend. “Then, why don’t you start with that?”

          “I’m not sure if he wants to see me again.”

          Luke wasn’t too sure about what Ashton remembered about that night, after the party. But whether he did or not, he didn’t change the fact that his decision to leave the apartment must have been very brutal to him. He knew that it must have been terrible for Ashton, and he was mad at himself for hurting him. Luke didn’t think Ashton would be too happy to welcome him as if nothing happened. Because something happened and he was finally ready to say the things he thought he would never get out of his chest.

          “I would be surprised if he wouldn’t.” Jack had said with a weird smirk.

 

          It had taken Luke a few hours more of reflexion and of building up his courage before he found the strength to try his chance and knock on Ashton’s door. The warm welcome he had received was way beyond his expectation, but it only increased his level of stress for what was next to come.

 

          “It’s hard to believe you’re really back.” Ashton said breaking the silence of the room.

          Luke realised he had been dozing off for a while after his first waking up. They were still in the same position, as if they were too afraid to move and to break the charm of the instant. Luke rose his head a little, trying to look in Ashton’s eyes, but they were still close. He could pass for asleep if he hadn’t talk.

          “I’m here as long as you want me to.” Luke answered with a bit of a husky voice.

          “Then you might never leave this flat.” Ashton chucked. He started to drag the tip of his fingers back and forth along the right side of Luke’s back. As small and delicate as the gesture was, it made the blonde’s heart beat faster. He was pretty sure the other could feel his against his own chest, but right now it didn’t matter, because Luke wouldn’t have left his position for anything. He smiled a bit sadly before he said “Don’t speak too fast. There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

          “I’m not pressing you into saying them, really.”

          “I know.” Luke nodded gently. “I know you don’t. But I think, this time, I need to. And I want to tell you.”

          “Alright. Then, I’m all ears.”

          Luke swallowed loudly. He was certain that he wanted to do it, but now that he was facing the situation, things were not so easy. He took a deep breath.

          “Before I actually start, I need to ask you a couple of things.”

          “Anything.”

          “What do you remember of the night of the party?”

          “Oh… hum….” Ashton stuttered. “Everything actually.”

          Luke arched an eyebrow and slightly pulled his head away from his human pillow, to look at Ashton’s face. His eyes were completely open now, but he was not facing Luke. First, it was complicated in their position, and secondly, he was probably a bit embarrassed, if the blush that coated his cheeks was any clue.

          “How come?” the blonde questioned. “You were drunk, right?”

          “Yes, I was. But I had pretty intense flashbacks in the following days. I’m not sure if I recall absolutely everything. But the principal at least.”

          Luke slowly nodded. “Good. So we’re on the same page.” He smiled, even if he was tensed. He didn’t think Ashton would remember. But he was happy about it, because it would have been an awkward thing to explain otherwise.

          “Okay, so, it’s gonna be a long story. But please, even if you want to react, let me go through all of it before you say anything. It’s important to me.”

          “Okay. I’ll listen and let you speak.”

          “Thanks.”

          Luke took another deep breath. He had thought about it, about how he would say this, where he would start, what he would tell. But right now, the words seemed harder to voice than ever. Building up his courage one last time, Luke began his tale.

          “One year ago, I was a very regular guy. I had a happy family, I went to college and I was a good student, I was in the swim team, I had good friends. I guess everything was great. And I was really not complaining, I knew that I was lucky. My mom and I shared a passion together, it was music. She played the piano, and I played guitar, and we would sing together. I love those moments we had shared together. My younger brother, Jack, and I shared our interest in sport. He played American football. We used to go training together on a regular basis. We had a great relationship unlike a lot of siblings. But...”

           Luke swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. The difficulty only started.

          “But… One day, all of this, this wonderful life, shattered. I was at a swimming meeting with my team all the way down to Melbourne. I was very focused on the competition; it was determinant for the rest of the season. I did a good job. I was on several podiums. We won the relay as well. It was a first for me, and as I was the fourth, so the most exigent place in the race, I was very happy. We all were. We wanted to go celebrating, in the back of our coach. But it never happened. That night I received a call, from the hospital, back in Sydney.”

          Luke took a moment before he went on, his voice shaky, at a slow pace, feeling the weight of every word he said. “My parents and my brother had a car accident a bit earlier in the evening. They were all in the same car, when it got crashed by a truck. Both of my parents died on the spot. The truck driver as well. Jack made it to the hospital, but he… he passed away before the surgery could even begin.

          “It was such a shock. I can’t even begin to explain how I felt. To be honest, I couldn’t process the information, it was too much. All I remember is that, the rest of the team stayed with me and tried to be supportive and up-lifting. But nothing was really affecting me. I was completely silent for the whole night. I didn’t sleep neither. I was just awake with the call playing on repeat in my head. We got back to Sydney the next morning. I was dumbfounded in front of this big house that was so empty and that would never be a home for me anymore. As I was already of legal age, I didn’t need a legal guardian. In the weeks that followed the accident, I went through a lot of administrative stuff. The hospital, the funerals, the legacy. All that. My aunt offered me to go to her house at least of a while, but I refused because it was too far away commute to college every day. It was already close the end of the year and I didn’t want to fail. Even if it can sound derisory in comparison with the rest, and that, you know, everybody would have understood, I just didn’t want to be ‘that poor child’ in everybody’s eyes.

          “But I couldn’t stay in the family house with everybody gone. It was gloomy as fuck. That was when I ask for my transfer to London. As I said, I was a good student, and I made a great covering letter, so all I needed to valid the decision was to pass my exams. That was probably the only good decision I made for a while.

          “Besides that, most nights, I didn’t go back home after the classes. I couldn’t face this empty space full of memory, of belongings, of everything that bought me back to my loss, at every moment. I started to wander in a lot of bars, and pretty sketchy ones. And the nights passed, one after the other, and I met a group of people. Around my age, some were younger, some were older. I hung out with them more and more as time went by. There was one guy in particular that I was getting closer to. I wasn’t as open about my sexuality than I am now. I was out to my parents, my brother and a few of my friends, but at college and with the swim team I kept it quiet. I just had a feeling that it wouldn’t be so well expected. Anyway this guy was gay and out, and I didn’t hide my sexuality to him, nor the rest of his group. I don’t exactly know when we started dating, or when I really joined the group, but… I did. In my lost mind, I didn’t realise that becoming a ‘Green Skull’ was basically signing in… in a gang. I guess I didn’t care, because it felt like I belonged somewhere, that I had somewhat of a family.”

          Luke took a moment to breathe. His voice had become heavier, full of regrets, sadness, anger and frustration, as he tried to recompose his own story. It was steady, though, keeping the same detached pace.

          “After my exams, that I barely studied for, I lived at that guy’s apartment permanently. As I the classes were over, I got more free time and I hung out with the Green Skulls even more. I started to be involved in the gang activity. At this day I still have no idea of the range of their activities, I knew the bare minimum as long as I didn’t earn their trust. All I did was being the driver or the lookout. I was fine with that to be honest. I wasn’t looking for more trouble than that. I was angry at the whole world and the whole gang thing made me feel like a had something to place that anger in. But it wasn’t really into gang stuff.”

          Then, his voice changed a bit, going back to a somewhat normal tune. “And I just want to say that I understand. I understand what is it to chase anything that makes you feel high, that makes you forget, that make it bearable to survive, and pretend that all your shit isn’t real even if it just for a few hours. But I guess reality always comes back and bites you in the butt.

          “This guy I was in a relationship with. He…” Luke cut himself, looking for he words. “He was drinking and getting wasted on a regular basis. Before I lived with him, it wasn’t such a problem to me. But when I kinda moved in with him, I figure out that he could get pretty violent when he drank. I’m a fit guy, I used to be even more athletic back then, and the gang hangouts often included fighting practice. So I always stood up for myself. I wasn’t really afraid of him, but I didn’t want to hurt him neither. He didn’t seem to care on his side. And he was strong and knew how to fight way better than me. But yeah … We fought. A lot. And I often got injured from that. There was a guy, that was kind of the nurse or the doctor of the Green Skulls. He saw me a lot, even if it was for minor things.

          “It went on for a month I’d say. But one day, everything went crazy. The gang had an ‘operation’ they were planning on for a while.” Luke stopped chewed with his lower lip before he sighed. “We planned on burning down the warehouse of a guy we had a conflict with. This time I was with my somewhat of a boyfriend and the team who had to set the fire on. And I did. I did was I was told too, not asking myself too much questions. Everybody started to run away from the building once it was lit. It was in flames crazily fast, because of some chemical other people had spread priory. I was by the last to stay by. To be honest, there was a sort of fascination in me, looking at this inferno consuming this huge place in a matter of minutes.

          “And then I heard a scream. One that came from the guts, but more importantly, one that came from the inside of the building. The Skulls had said it would be empty, and I believed them. But it was not. It didn’t take to be genius to understand that the guy they were in fight with was inside. And as much as I was unphazed with the original plan, that was something I couldn’t take. It snapped inside of me. Something really broke… but at the same time it felt like everything was going back to place.

          “I ran into the building, which was very stupid, but I didn’t really take the time to think twice. I found the guy in the middle of the collapsing warehouse. He had been beaten up severely, there was half-dried blood all over his body, he was barely conscious. I think the fire woke him up after he passed away from the beating. I dragged him outside. He got burnt on the way, me too, but not too badly. Just when we got out of the fire’s reach, I heard sirens coming closer. The atrocity of the situation and my own guilt hit me hard. I left the guy on the floor, far way enough from the building, and I ran away.

          “I got back to my boyfriend’s flat. He was there, waiting for me. And he was drunk, which wasn’t much of a surprise. I was there between one and two hours after him, and he seemed to have been really nervous and he had drunk to ease his nerves, I guess. Right when I stepped inside he fired a tone of questions at me. He asked what I had done, why I had been so late, if I had called the cops, if I had betrayed them. I tried to tell him that I just stayed for a moment and that I left when I heard the sirens. He asked me what happened to my jacket. The one with the gang logo on it. And it told him I threw it away, which was the truth. It was half brunt away. He kept accusing me of stuff. I just wanted to shut him up. And this time I threw the first punch.”

Luke swallowed hard, feeling his Adam’s apple bob. He shook his head as much as he could against Ashton’s chest. When he continued his tone was cold. He wasn’t sparing the details, nor himself.

          “I was mad. Not really at him, but at everybody, and mostly, at myself. I was so angry. So disappointed in the man that I’ve turned into and the way that I’ve ruined my life. I didn’t hold back this time. And I guess I won the fight. I knocked him unconscious. And I kept hitting him a couple times after. Eventually, I brought him to the doctor guy. At the beginning, he wanted to take care of me first but I refused. So he treated him and I went second. He saw my burns, but didn’t commented. I guess, even in gang, medical confidentiality is a thing. I was about to leave when my boyfriend woke up. The other left us so that we could talk. Honestly I thought my last hour had come. I thought he would beat the shit out of me. But he didn’t. He hugged me, he kissed me, and… and...”

          Luke stopped for a second and took a deep breath before he revealed the next. “And he told me, for the first time, that he loved me.” There was another pause during which he let he long sigh out. “He was the first one who ever told me these tree words. And I didn’t say them back. All of this was just so sick. It made me sick, literally. I threw up. Right away. And, then, I ran away. I went to our apartment, collected my stuff and left. I went to my parents’ house, collected a few stuff and left. I went to my aunt. And I stayed there for a few days.

          “We had stayed in touch after the funerals and all. She has asked me to come at hers and have a family diner from time to time. It was easy to hide all the shit to her just for a few hours, so she never knew what I was going through. I’m definitely not blaming her. She did her best, but she had her own problems, and tree kids to take care of. Anyway, I didn’t want to stay too long because I was I bit afraid the gang would go after me, and didn’t want them to attack my aunt. I told her to sell my parents’ house and belongings and I book the next flight for London. You know most of the story from then.

          “Just a couple more details. I learn that the guy I got out of the flames, as he was in some criminal stuff himself, told the police that he was the one who accidentally caught the building on fire. The gang never saw any consequences of that. Thankfully, my aunt has never seen the Green Skulls, not had to face the consequences of my acts. And finally, the house got sold a few weeks ago. I told my aunt to keep the money from the sale of the other things, but she still insisted on giving me fifty percent. It’s hard for me to accept this money. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. Most of the legacy money went into my transfer to London, the fees, my plane tickets, and my survival all those months. I was pretty broke when I got here to be honest. But now I’m richer than I’ve ever been…. I’m still far from your level though, so don’t worry for the concurrence.”

          Luke tried to joke to ease a bit the tension of his very long story. But the chuckle Ashton let out sounded more like a sob. He was holding the blonde for dear life, as his grip got tighter and tighter along the tale. Luke struggled to push himself up so that he could look at his flatmate’s face. There was stains of tears in the corner of his eyes. It was a surprise, as Luke himself hadn’t cry. Ashton moved so that he could sit and the blonde followed the movement sitting in front of him.

          “Luke…” he whispered, cupping the younger man cheeks. “…my goodness…” he sighed and engulfed him in a hug again. “I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so sorry that you went through all this”

          “No, no.” Luke shook his head, pulling away from Ashton. “Don’t pity me, seriously. I’ve done terrible things, I’m not one to pity. I just… I can’t take it.”

          “Luke stop that. I know you feel like you don’t deserve anything, and you feel like a bad person, but you’re not. Stop blaming yourself of everything that happened to you.”

          Luke sighed for the millionth time this day and let his head hung down in shame and exhaustion.

          “Look at me” Ashton said kindly, guiding Luke’s head with his finger under his chin. “Is it the reason why you agree on my grandmother’s deal? Because you felt like it was a way to earn your redemption? A drunken person for another drunken person?”

          Luke nodded small. And all of sudden tears overflow and spilled. He put his hands over his face, hiding himself and muffling his voice. “I’m so sorry. I… I don’t know… I just…”

          “Shush… it’s okay.” Ashton said hugging the shivering body of his friend. “I’m not mad at you, Luke, not the slightest. If anything I find it very brave to face your demons so frontally.”

          “Don’t say that” Luke protested between his cries.

          “It’s true though.”

          The argument stopped there. Luke cried for a long time on Ashton’s shoulder, who was rubbing smoothing circles on his back. He didn’t know really why he was crying for. But it felt good to let it go, both his story and the tears. He never told that to anyone. He kept hiding it because he was really afraid that people would start judging him as bad as he judged himself. So far it seemed like Ashton wasn’t reacting that way at all. It was a good thing, but Luke wasn’t sure he could accept it. He still has forgiven himself. So it was hard to accept the others’ forgiveness.

          When Luke’s tears had tried he pulled apart from Ashton who was smiling small at him. “There are so many things that I still want to explain to you.” He muttered.

          “Okay.” The older man nodded, then he smiled wider. “Breakfast?”

          Luke chuckled but it was accompanied with a tear sliding down his cheek. Nevertheless, he kept smiling and nodded. “Breakfast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Most of the tea as been spilled. Thoughts?  
> I think there are less than five chapters left now.... I'm almost sad, because i really like this story, but at the same time i'm very excited to show you the end :)  
> Lots of love,   
> Kassie <3


	20. I'll show you my heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Late?... I don't know what you're talking about... ! Enjoy this chapter, which is pretty much part 2 of the previous one.

 

          “Do you mind if I take a shower first?” Luke asked, when they got out of bed. “It’s just that I’ve been sleeping in my clothes, you know.”

          “Sure no problem.”

          Ashton went to the kitchen felling weird. He both felt light-weighted and very heavy at the same time. First Luke had come back which was more than he was expecting. He couldn’t believe that on top of that, Luke decided to open up to him. Ashton couldn’t help but be happy about it, and part of him wanted to smile widely.

          But on the other hand, all of the things Luke had told him were a blow to morale. He wasn’t sure he had processed everything just yet, but it was clear his blond friend went through a lot. The abrupt loss of all his family, the depression, the gang, the violence, the guilt and the flight. Ashton couldn’t even imagine was it had been like. It was crazy to think about all that, while having only know the gentle, quiet and healthy Luke.

          Although Luke had always been secretive, his revelations answered a lot of Ashton’s questions. Like why didn’t like to talk about himself, because he didn’t want to tell about his past. Why he barely even mentioned his family to the point that Ashton had ignored that he had a brother. It even explained why Luke agreed on his grandmother’s deal and why he left that night after the party. Ashton was mad at himself for that specific last point. He knew that he had brought Luke back to his previous and abusive relationship, despite himself. He felt even more like a dick for what he did that night, than he already did before.

          He was cooking the first pancake in a hot pan when Luke came out of his bedroom and enter the kitchen. He was only wearing sweatpants. His t-shirt was draped over his shoulder and not properly put on him. His hair was still damp from the shower, forming a couple of drops at their ends which were partially falling over his eyes. Ashton mentally thanked the burned smell that came to his nose and remembered him to focus on his cooking. Otherwise, he would still be drooling on the floor. Maybe there was a couple of things he also needed to tell Luke. But the blonde seemed like he had something to say first as he cleared this throat.

          “Hum… About my tattoo, well I know you never really asked, but… It’s for them, you know.”

          Ashton put the pancake in a plate so that he could give Luke his full attention without risking to burn down the flat. The younger man was pointing and looking at the three little black triangles that lined up along his left collarbone.

          “Mum, dad, and Jack” he explained pointing at each triangle successively. “I got it done during the whole gang era. It’s one of the few things from back then that I don’t regret. I don’t know it just felt like something… important to be done.”

          “It’s a way to always have them with you.” suggested Ashton with a kind smile.

          “It is.” Luke nodded, he looked relieved that his flatmate understood.

          He moved around to put his shirt on, which Ashton found both disappointing and rescuing. He dressed up the table on the breakfast bar and help a bit with the food. Then they both sat on the stools and started to eat. Throughout the meal, Luke kept explaining a few little things that looked like they were just popping randomly in his brain.

          “I’ve never really sang out loud after my mother’s death until that night after the gala.”

          “What made you sing then though?”

          “You.” Luke smiled. “You sang first.”

          “Did I?” Ashton wondered rising an eyebrow.

          “Yes, you did. It wasn’t bad.”. Ashton rose a second eyebrow and Luke chuckled. “Ok it wasn’t too good neither.”

          The older man joined in the laugher, it sounded more accurate like that.

          “Also I felt it wouldn’t really count if you were drunk. I don’t know, it doesn’t really make sense, but I felt more like a was singing to myself, and at the same time I would never have done it if I was alone. I … I needed a form of comforting presence I guess. And even if it was weird, and it was a crazy situation, it was somehow what I needed.”

          “I’m really happy that my drunk ass has been able to be a help of some sort to you.”

          “Yeah, I know you felt like it was always me helping you, but you helped me as well.”

          Ashton just smiled but didn’t respond anything. He felt ten time more indebted to Luke then the other way around, but he also knew it wasn’t the moment to argue about that.

          “Speaking of which,” Luke went on a moment later, “and I know we kinda already talk about it but, I’ve always felt like I was a bit influencing you on your recent decisions…”

          “Luke…!” Ashton cut in sternly “You know you never forced me do to anything.”

          “I know… And I’ve always tried to be as neutral as possible but, to be really honest, there was one moment when I didn’t really let you chose.”

          “When?” Asked Ashton who couldn’t even tell when it happened.

          “When I told you to visit your family.”

          “Luke…”

          “I know!” Luke jumped it before Ashton could elaborate. “I know somehow you wanted it too. But I know that back then, I forced your hand a little bit. It’s just that... you know, your family is here, just an hour away, and you’re on good terms with them but you still didn’t enjoy the simple fact that they are here. And that they love you. And I just…” Luke voice broke, but he kept a blank face. “I just couldn’t stay quiet. Even though it wasn’t really my place.”

        “I don’t even blame the slightest for anything Luke. I’m happy you did it, and as you said I wanted it too anyway.” Ashton sighed a bit and continued. “You know you don’t have to tell me everything. It’s already a lot for today.”

          Ashton wanted to tell Luke that he should stop blaming himself for anything that happened to him, because it seemed it was what the blond was doing for a while now. But he wasn’t sure how to say it, how to make him let go of all his ghosts and his pain. He wasn’t sure neither if right now was the good moment, they already had already been through a lot today.

          “Yes, I know. But I really feel like a should get it off my chest.”

          “Okay.” Ashton smiled.

          But Luke was pretty silent after that and their plates were almost empty anyway. Ashton thought it might be a good moment for him to also confess a few secrets.

          “The night of the party, I… pretty obviously, I got drunk. And… The next day… and the next night as well. I was completely wasted to be honest. And I hated it. I felt so bad about myself. But after Calum talked some sense into me, I didn’t touch another drop of alcohol after that. I’m... I’m so sorry that I got drunk that night and that I broke my, unspoken, but still there, promise not to drink again.”

          Luke shook his head the whole time like he wanted to interrupt, but still listen to Ashton until he stopped. “Honestly, I knew it was a bad idea since the beginning. I was just excited to have a good time with you and with my friends, and I completely brushed away the fact you weren’t weaned for a long time and that I was bringing you to a party with alcohol all over the place...!”

          “You not trying to take the blame here, are you?” Ashton half-accused, half-teased.

          Luke chuckled briefly. “Okay, but still, I should have known better. Like... temptation was everywhere.”

          “Yes, it was” Ashton agreed with a low voice. He was referring to all another kind of temptation. “But _I_ succumbed to it.”

          He wasn’t sure if the blonde got all the subtext behind his words. Luke only turned his head to looked at his empty plate intensely. They stayed silent for a moment before the youngest spoke again.

          “About that night, I’m sorry that I run away like that. I mean, you probably understand better now that I needed it, but even back then I knew that it would affect you, even... hurt you, that I’d go so brutally. It’s just… You know, when you... when you…” Luke stuttered, blushing harder by the second. “When you kissed me, I-I know it meant nothing to you and it probably was just a drunken mistake, but it brought back a lot of my previous relationship’s memories, that I was trying so hard to bury deep down inside of me, and I couldn’t take it.”

          There was a moment of tensed silence before Ashton simply said, “It was not.”.

          “What?” Luke’s head snapped to look at him.

          “It was not a drunken mistake.” he repeated slowly. He stayed mute for a bit looking for his words. He wasn’t exactly sure how to articulate and verbalised his thoughts so that it wouldn’t make Luke runaway a second time. It was clear that Luke wasn’t ready to even hear about relationship right now, so Ashton couldn’t spill all his feeling right away.

          “What?!”

          “Yeah… So… hum… this is quite new to me” Ashton was distilling his sentence word after word, carefully. “but I’m almost certain that I’m, in fact, bisexual.”

          “Oh.” Luke paused. “Did I-Did… Did that kiss make you aware of it?”

          “Well… pretty much, yes. I think it has always been somewhat there but… repressed.”

          “Okay” Luke nodded along, he seemed to have a lot of questions. “So… when you said it wasn’t a drunken mistake, did you… well, what did you exactly mean?”

          “That I don’t regret it and…” Ashton felt himself blushing and paling at the same time if it was possible. His heart was racing like crazing. His hands were getting cold and almost trembling. He was nervously passing them through his hair again and again. It was a real walk on eggshell, and he wasn’t sure if he was doing a good job, but it was too late to go back.  “I can’t deny that you’re the one who made my attraction for the masculine gender so blindly obvious. But all gender question aside, right now, you the one, and only one, person that I want to be with, that I feel, not only attracted, but connected to.”  Luke was looking at him deeply, almost not blinking. Ashton took a deep breath and reaffirmed “I just don’t regret it”, before he let Luke a moment to take all in.

          He looked down at his plate, but he could still feel the blonde’s eyes burning the side of his face. His could hear his pulse in his ears, and actually pretty much all through his body. It felt like an eternity to wait for Luke to say something.

          “I don’t regret it neither” Luke finally whispered shyly. “I… kind of enjoyed it actually”.

          Ashton looked at him in the eyes, and seeing the sincerity of those, he let a deep breath out, his shoulders slouching visibly. He smiled sweetly to Luke who reciprocated the gesture. For a while they just stared at each other silently, a grin on their lips.

          “So…?” Ashton asked sheepishly.

          Luke turned his eyes away before he answered. “I don’t know, Ashton…” he sighed. “I have no idea of where my boundaries stand with you. You just seem to be able to tear all my walls down, but I don’t really know how much I can take. What I’m ready for and what I’m not.”

          “It’s okay.” Ashton reassured, placing a hand on his flatmate’s knee and rubbing small circles with his thumb. “This is all new to me too. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into” he chucked and Luke smiled small as well. “I don’t know what I’m okay with, and I’m not. I pretty much don’t know anything.”

          Luke nodded silently. “So…” he started but stopped himself.

          “So?”

          “So, why don’t we just help each other?” Luke held a sly smile, a blush still coating his cheeks “Actually that’s what we’ve always been doing.”

          “Help each other like what?”

          “Like…” Luke took Ashton’s hand, that had stayed on his knee, in his. He lightly caressed the skin and played with the fingers. His eyes where glue to it while he went on. “Like I could help you figure out a little more about your sexuality, and you could help me defining where my boundaries lay?”.

          He tentatively risked a glance to Ashton. The older man was trying to control all his thoughts. Luke’s voice a gotten lower and way sexier along the time he built up his proposition, and it was affecting him without any doubt. The sensation of his fingers tracing patterns on back of his hand also had its amount of responsibility in this reaction. About Luke’s suggestion itself, it was something Ashton just couldn’t refuse. Beside the sexual content it carried, that, let’s be honest, he was more than happy to agree on, he was mostly relieved that Luke wasn’t backing away, and was actually ready to try something with him.

          “That sounds like a very appealing plan to me.” He eventually answered.

          Luke smiled widely and a new sparkle get into his eyes, that Ashton could only place as lust. He jumped down his stool only to climb onto Ashton’s, straddling his lap. It was a bit an of a complicated movement. But Ashton helped him to kept his balance, so that now his hands were resting on the blonde hips, whose arms were linked behind the other’s neck. Their faces were less than an inch away from each other.

          “Hum… Memories” Ashton whispered.

          Luke only smiled and closed the gap between them. Their lips met the same way they had before. It started all rather sweetly and slowly. Testing each other, getting use to the sensation and the motions. Soon it turned into a heavier kiss, open-mouthed, sensual and exigent. Tongues met and danced together.

          Ashton was euphoric. He had dreamed of this, of felling Luke’s lips on him, of holding his body so close. He let his hands go under the blonde’s shirt and roam the soft skin of his back. He happily rediscovered all his shapes, edges, and rounds. He instantly loved every single one of them. Luke was carding his hands through his long hair, which gave him a wonderful feeling, but it was nothing compared to the one he received when the blond man grinded his hips down on him. They both moan but kept on messily making out, like they couldn’t get enough of each other. Luke finally pulled a little later with a slight wet sound. He moved his head to place a kiss at the end of Ashton’s jaw and susurrated in his ear “let’s make new memories.”.

          “Yeah” Ashton approved kissing Luke neck, which he seemed to enjoy a lot given the sweet humming noises he made, and motion of his head to give him more access. The blonde slid his hand into the other’s shirt as well and briefly let them wander about but soon he decided the fabric was too restrictive and started to lift it up. Their body separated just long enough to remove the shirt and throw it somewhere on the ground.  Luke took a second to admire Ashton’s tattooed skin before they hungrily attacked each other’s month again. Ashton brought Luke closer so that their hips got pressed together again, earning moans from both parts.

          The blonde pulled away again, much to Ashton dismay, and slid down the stool. He took Ashton by the hand and lead him to the couch where he made him lay down before he regained his place, straddling him. Immediately, he went to kiss down the side of Ashton’s neck. The older respond with lustful sighs and with hands caressing the slight curve of Luke’s waist under his shirt. He finally thought that there was still too much fabric between them and lift it up. The blonde took the cue and sat up a bit to take his shirt off.

          Ashton hadn’t realised he was staring at his flatmate’s naked torso until he found him looking back in his eyes with a smirk and a playful glint in his blue orbs. Before Ashton could say anything Luke bent down to kiss his collar bone and undertook a travel down the older man’s body. He stopped at the level of his nipple, sucked it quickly before his bit on it. Ashton moaned out load, letting his head loll back. His hand automatically went to Luke’s hair, tugging at it lightly.

          He felt a hand palming his clothed dick a second later and let another moan out before he bit on his lower lip. Luke kept his movement while he finished his trail of kisses and his face was at the same level than his hand. He removed it to place a final kiss over Ashton’s cock. Then he hooked his fingers in the sweatpants and the boxer that were covering it. He waited for a second but at Ashton’s lack of reaction he chooses to pull them down all the way. He replaced himself between his flatmates thighs and took the large dick in his hand.

          Ashton glance down at him only to find him stare at his member with a hungry expression. The sight made him ever more aroused, if it was possible, and his dick twitched. Luke smirked and dived down to wrapped his lips around the tip. Ashton couldn’t help but moan again. His hand grabbed the cushions firmly. His whole body was on fire, but a good kind of fire. One he wanted to last the longest possible, but already felt like he could come at any moment.

          Luke started to bob his head in the same rhythm his hand moved lower, making Ashton groaned.

          “Oh my god”, he whispered between pants, “It feels so good.”

          The blonde hummed around him, and the vibration made it twice as good. Luke’s motions progressive got quicker and quicker while Ashton’s groans and moans were getting more frequent. The back and forth move on his dick became impossibly fast to the point Ashton knew he couldn’t hold back anymore.

          “Luke”, he muttered, “I’m coming”

          He already felt the feeling growing in his stomach. Luke only hummed one more time, and Ashton was gone, releasing right into the blonde mouth. Luke swallowed without too much difficulty and pulled away with a wet pop, while Ashton felt all his body getting limp. He panted for a few seconds, eyes closed, enjoying the floating feeling that took all over him.

          “That was really good.” He commented, satisfied. But he only heard a moan as a response, which got him to sit up a bit. He found Luke with a hand shove down his own sweatpants staring at his body shamelessly, biting down his lips. If he hadn’t just come, he would probably get hard again at this sight. He sat up completely and place a hand on Luke’s wrist, stopping his movement.

          “Should I…?” He offered suggestively.

          “You don’t have too” Luke assured.

          “But what if I want to?”

          “Really, don’t feel like you owe me anything.”

          “Shut up. I _want_ to.” Ashton affirmed stopping the blonde from protesting by kissing him passionately.

          He moved him down so that he would lay down on the couch then hooked his fingers in his sweatpants and boxer. He broke the kiss to look at Luke carefully, who nodded, but he still seemed a little tensed. Once all clothes were gone, Ashton got back to kiss Luke one more time, to be honest he couldn’t really get enough of it even now that his high was gone. Then he went to his neck and left burning kisses on every inches he could, until Luke was hummed delightfully and felt all relaxed under his touch. He wrapped his hand around his hard-as-rock and pre-cum-leaking dick and started a slow rhythm.

          Ashton moved to get his face down to the crouch area. He couldn’t really pretend that he wasn’t nervous.

          “Just staying, but I’ve never….” He trailed off

          “I know…” Luke answered panting. He didn’t seem to be in the state to elaborate but he didn’t seem to care to much about what Ashton had said neither.

          The older man took a breath, swallowed his saliva and wetted his lips before he licked a long stipe of Luke’s penis. He didn’t really know what to expect for the taste, but he had prepared himself for the worst. Thought, to be honest, it tasted just like the rest of Luke’s skin which wasn’t half bad. Reassured by this discovery he built up the courage to take the dick in his month. Pre cum was another story; it tasted salty but a bit sweet at the same time, pretty much like slated caramel which Ashton couldn’t complained about. The texture was a bit weird but nothing shocking. All in all, Ashton surprisingly found himself liking it, and especially hearing the moans he got out of Luke.

          He mimicked the technic that had been used on him just before, and started to moved his hand and his mouth at the same rhythm. He started to accelerate regularly, earning all an array of sweet sounds out Luke: moans, whimpers, cuss words, and something Ashton’s name. His head was falling backwards, his back slightly arched and his hands both fisted in his partner’s hair. Ashton hummed around Luke to imitate him and the blonde instantly release a particularly load and high-pitch moan. The older man felt particularly proud of him for this one, actually it seemed like he was doing a rather good job. It was confirmed moments later when Luke muttered brokenly.

          “I’m coming…. I’m coming…”

          Ashton pulled away but increased the speed of his hand even more in compensation. He wasn’t sure he was ready to swallow semen, even if the idea itself didn’t completely repelled him. Luke came in a few seconds with long whimper. Ashton progressively slowed the pace, then stopped his movement and release the blonde dick. He sat up and caressed lightly the delicate skin of the younger man’s thigh, giving him time to get down from his high.

          After a moment Luke looked down on himself, and asked Ashton with a grabby hand “Can you give my shirt?”. The older man reached down and handed to him. He watched him swiped away the cum than tossed the shirt away again. The blonde sat up and replaced himself to have his legs across Ashton’s lap and his head on his shoulder. The other wrapped an arm around Luke’s waist, his opposite hand still rubbing circle on his thigh. They shared a peaceful silence for a moment.  

          “So, how was it, first-timer?”

          “I don’t know, how was it?” Ashton returned the question.

          “Fairly good” Luke nodded.

          Ashton smiled and place a kiss on Luke forehead.

          “I promise I’ll improve my technic.”

          “I volunteer to be your training manikin.” The blonde mused.

          “I was hoping you would.”

          They both chuckled and went silent for a while again. But that wasn’t a problem, they just enjoyed the moment as it was and the company of the other.

          “So… What does this make us?” Ashton finally questioned. He’d rather have Luke define it, given than he was the reluctant one to give into relationships.

          The blonde hummed of a few seconds before he answered. “Flatmates… With a little something more.”

          Ashton chuckled. “Okay. Flatmates with a little more.”

          He wasn’t sure it was really what he wanted their relationship to be, but for the moment he was satisfied with that. Actually it was even more than what he could have hope for, just a day before. For now, he was just acknowledging the fact that, at this precise instant, he was absolutely happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was strangely hard to write. Maybe it was because i was having an 'ending blues', which is a weird thing that happen to me every time I near the end of a story.   
> But whatever, here it is! I hope you like it :D Tell me what you think about it!  
> Hey! There's /finally/ some lashton action. I don't know if i'm good at smut, honestly ._. What do you think? What could be improve?  
> Lots of love,  
> Kassie <3


	21. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm late... Again. I'm sorry. I hope you didn't think the drama was over just yet? wink wink

          Luke woke up fairly early the next Sunday. Dawn was slowly emerging but the sun hasn’t risen yet. The blond man stretch in his bed, welcoming the first thoughts of his day. He was incredibly happy to be back in the apartment with Ashton, especially given their new dynamic. He wasn’t really sure were that was leading, but he knew it was a good thing. It felt good. And he didn’t mean only on the intimate level, even if that felt really good, he meant on the whole. It was comfortable to be next to Ashton. Thinking of his previous relationship, he only recalls the tension, the stress and the violence. With Ashton though, it was rather smooth and soft.

          He hopped his flatmate got his intentions right, but he still had a slight doubt about it because he had never really voiced them. He didn’t want to have just casual and meaningless sex with him, it really meant something to him even if it wasn’t love. It was pretty obvious that Luke cared for Ashton anyway. It seemed like the older man got it, even without words. It made Luke smile. Yeah, life was treating him good lately. He was especially thankful that he could have open up to his flatmate without being judged. If anything Ashton had been really sweet about it. It felt like a tiny piece of his heart has finally started to heal.

          Deciding to take his good habits back, Luke got up and dressed for his usual Sunday morning run. Heading down the lobby he almost froze when he saw Mr Sana at his post. It was the first time they met since the night of the party. Luke was a little embarrassed to face him after that. He remembered quite vividly Ashton singing on top of his lung while being very drunk. Knowing he couldn’t avoid it, he walked to the concierge’s desk.

          “Good morning, Mr Sana.” Luke greeted with an already apologetic smile.

          “Mr Hemmings?”

          “Hum… I wanted to apologise for last time, When Ashton and I... hum… You know, came home late… and…”

          “It’s fine.” Mr Sana’s trait visibly relaxed. “No one else was woken up in the … incident.”

          “But you did. I’m really sorry for that.”

          “It’s okay, Mr Hemming.” He arbitrated calmly. “I thought you had left after that night actually. But I’m glad to you see you are back. Mr Irwin was really down in your absence. And, in fact, I believe he is at his best with you.”

          Luke felt himself blushing. He wasn’t expecting anything but a scolding form the cold and emotionless concierge, as he used to portrait him back to his first visit. But Mr Sana was strangely letting this emotion show for once. He seemed really sincere and authentic, underneath his mask of proper protocol.

          “He has changed; you know?” the concierge went on. “In a good way, if I may add. And that is undeniably because of you.”

          “Thank you, Mr Sana.” Luke murmured. He was feeling really emotional all of sudden. The words of the older man meant a lot more to him than he would have thought.

          “Sanjay.”

          “Sorry?”

          “You can call me Sanjay,.. Luke.”

          The blonde’s eyes widened for a second before a huge smile formed on his lips. Luke nodded enthusiastically. He was floating over the ground for the whole duration of his run.

          This new found energy, and a little help form Ashton as well, got him to open up to Alex and Jack during the following week. Luke knew it was only fair that they would learn the truth after hosting him during his breakdown and internal crisis. But on the other hand he was really concern about their reactions. Not that he thought they weren’t good friends, but Alex always had his mind set on every single topic. And while Jack was not at stubborn, Luke knew he would always take Alex’ side in the end.

          With his guts tighten in a bunch of knots, he told his story for the second time. It had been a long talk, but it had seemed easier than the first. It turned out that both Alex and Jack were very supportive. Alex in particular seemed to understand everything that Luke felt, even the guilt, while he still disagreed on him being responsible for the fire and the injuries of the man that was caught in. After that, their friendship went back to normal, if not better. The topic of Luke’s past was not brought up after that, as it was clear the blonde still didn’t felt comfortable with it.

          On Friday afternoon, coming back from college, he left exhausted. It had been an intense week and he definitely agreed on a break.

 

 

          Ashton was pretty much on the same page when he came back to the apartment later in the evening. The week had been both great and terrible. First, terrible because there had been some massive floods in the west of the country. It was bad per se but it was even worst given the fact that they had to change to the head line of the newspaper at the very last minute. Michael had called him at 10:30 pm to make him come back to 1200 seconds’ as fast as possible. Their deadline was always at midnight so that it could be send to the printer and distributed on time on the next day.

          Given the really short time, Ashton had to help on the writing and editing. Michael was overloaded and couldn’t manage everybody’s question nor take every decision all alone. But, to be honest, Ashton had loved it. He was really happy to leave his desk and to get in the real work.

          They had to change the headline in short time once again, later in the week, due to other events linked to the floods. The scenario repeated and Ashton was just as content about it as the previous time, even if it left him exhausted. This wasn’t the first time in the history of the 1200 seconds’ that the headline had to be changed quickly, but this was the first time Ashton was called to help directly. He wasn’t sure what got Michael to do that, but he was thankful about it. The rest of the newspaper’s crew seem to be also satisfied by Ashton’s work on the last two special editions. Which lead the young man to think it could be something less punctual.

          For the moment though, he was just happy to get back home and relax. With all the twists in his agenda and the nights Luke had spent bonding with his friends, the two flatmates had barely seen each other during the week. Ashton was really excited about it, he had a lot of things to tell to the blonde, and he could sense it went the other way around as well.

          He quietly unlocked the door and stepped inside, hearing the sweet melody of a guitar coming from the living room. He kept on listening while he took off his jacket and his shoes, as silently as possible.

          “Hey there now. Where'd you go? You left me here, so unexpected. You changed my life; I hope you know, 'cause now I'm lost, so unprotected. In the blink of an eye… I never got to say goodbye.”

          Luke sang rather lowly, but with emotion. It was obvious that he hasn’t choose the song randomly. It meant a lot to him. Ashton had noticed that Luke had tried to be more open on his past than before even it was still hard. The blondes’ voice was a bit shaky during the chorus.

          “Like a shooting star, flying across the room; so fast so far. You were gone too soon. You're a part of me… And I'll never be the same here without you. You were gone too soon…”

         He moved through the kitchen, seeing a pot of his favourite pasta recipe gently simmering. He smiled at the sweet attention. Yeah, he wasn’t the only one to look forward for the evening together. Then, he slowly made his way to the couch where Luke was strumming his guitar. He didn’t want him to stop but he was pretty sure Luke would when he’d see him. As much as Ashton enjoyed to listen to his flatmate singing, he didn’t want to just wait in the dark. He would rather enjoy his company to the most.

         When Ashton came into Luke’s sight, the blond man immediately stopped singing. Half a second later his jaw dropped and his eyes widen. Though, he was quick to recompose and feigned a casual tone.

          “Ashton? What happened?”

          The older man chuckled. And he run a hand through his hair as he usually does when he felt a bit uneasy. Though this time the sensation was different and unfamiliar as his hairstyle was now much shorter. Of course he didn’t go for a buzz cut, but changing from long hair to a normal length was still a big contrast.

          “Hum… Hair dresser happened? I guess.”

          Luke nodded and move his guitar away from his lap to stand up. He stepped closer to Ashton and brought a hand to brush through the soft hair himself. Once. Twice. Then with both hands. But he was still very silent.

          “You don’t like it?” Ashton tested.

          “What? No, I do! I like it… I like it a lot actually.” He smiled softly finally looking at him in the eyes, though his hands hadn’t move. “It suits you. You look very professional.”

          “Thanks” Ashton’s shoulders slouched down in relief. He placed his hands on Luke’s waist and pulled him in for a kiss. It had a while they haven’t been this close. Too long if you’d ask Ashton. But a single day would already fit into that category for him. In the tender exchange, Luke lightly tugged at the shorten hair, making Ashton moan lowly. The blonde smirked a bit and pulled away before things got too heated.

          “I’m just happy I can still pull on them.” He whispered playfully. “That would have a terrible loss.”

          Ashton chuckled, “I would never do that to you”.

          They shared another sweet kiss before Luke broke it again. “I’m really sorry to interrupt, but I’m getting really hungry.”

          “Huuum… Same here”, Ashton mused check him out ostentatiously.

          “I’m talking about real food! Perv…”

          “Kidding!” He was only half kidding. “Let’s eat.”

          As usual when they’re both in the apartment for diner, they share a meal with casual chatter. Both updated the other on the course of their respective week. Ashton talk about his late, late nights at 1200 seconds, and Luke explained the discussion he had with his friends.

          “I know I briefly said it already, but I’m really glad that you talked to them. I think it’s good for you to open up to more people.”

          “I know... I’m trying.”

          “It’s already great that you are.” Ashton gave an encouraging smile. “Hum, about tomorrow, I exceptionally won’t be there in the morning. I have an appointment with Michael and another one later with my grand-mother. But I’ll be back after lunch. And… there’s somewhere I’d like to take you. If you’re okay with that? Maybe you had other plans?”

          “Hum… No, I don’t. Where to you want to go?”

          “I’m not telling you! It’s a surprise.” He grinned.

         “Oh… Alright…” Luke wasn’t too fond of the sole concept of surprise, and his flatmate knew it. But Ashton was relieved to see that he was given a change. “What’s this meeting with Michael about?”

          It was indeed unusual for the two to meet in such a formal way. “We’d like to discuss some important business things. Maybe restructuring the direction of the newspaper. I want to be more implied in the artistic direction, but I’m not sure how Michael sees it. I don’t even know if I have the competencies for it, but I’d really like to try, at least. Will see how it goes tomorrow.”

          “I’m sure it will go well. You’re a real artist, I can tell. And, Michael, out of all the people in the world, would be the last to refuse you that.”

          “I hope so, yeah. Thanks.”

         Luke smiled and leaned in to leave a quick kiss on Ashton’s lips. The older man was extremely pleased that they could share this kind of small moment beside the more intimate moments than came with their new relationship. Even if Ashton enjoyed those later a lot as well. And maybe that’s precisely how they ended the week. Though Ashton had wished things would have gone a little further between them, nothing had really changed from that first time on the couch. That Friday he had tried but Luke had stopped him.

         “Hum… sorry. I just…”

         “Hey it’s okay. If you don’t want to…”

         “No it’s not… I mean…” Luke sighed. That was going to kill the mood, but the sooner the better. Ashton sat up a little straighter and look at the blue-eyed man, waiting for him to explain. “I know it sounds silly. But, I’m not ready to have sex _sex_. It’s stupid, I know, it’s not like I’m virgin or I’m afraid or …. Well, actually, I’m kind of afraid a little bit. I’m not comfortable with it, I’d feel like it would be an intrusion, you know. I’m so sorry…”

         “Hey, it’s okay, really. You don’t have to apologise for that. And it’s not stupid. Definitely not.”

         “But I’m not one who initiated this thing between us, and I can’t even go all the way it the end.”

“         But I don’t care. I don’t mind. I’ll take what you give and I’m not asking for more. I’m happy with what we share.”

         “Really?”

         “Really.”

         They shared a sweet kiss, that said much more that all the words they have spoken, even if none of them acknowledged it at the moment. So maybe they resume what they started. Maybe Luke didn’t find in himself the want or the will to get out of Ashton’s bed. And maybe he fell asleep in his arms.

 

 

          Luke was pacing in the apartment, again and again, despite himself, searching for something to do… in vain. The truth is he couldn’t focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. Every time he tried, his mind would invariably drift to the ‘surprise’ Ashton was reserving him. He couldn’t help but worry about it. It wasn’t like he had always hated that, but lately he always wanted to be prepared for anything. He guessed it’s what happened after living half in fear of his partner.

          Where would Ashton take him? He was trying to build some scenarios to reassure himself but it was hard. His flatmate had given zero information even when Luke had tried to make him talk. “Do I need to take something? Or how should I dress?” He had asked. “Just bring yourself, as you are” was the only response he had with a charming smile to wrap it up.

          Luke finally got a text from Ashton telling him the car was in front of their building. The blonde slightly panicked. A few seconds before he was dying for something for happen, and now he was almost frozen on spot, not ready to know. Finally grabbing a hold of himself, he went down, feeling his stomach get tighter and tighter with every step he took.

          “Hey!” Ashton greeted joyfully, from the other side of the backseat. He looked really happy, all dimples out. Luke smiled despite himself.

          “Hey. How did your meetings go?”

          “Excellent!” He cheered. Luke relaxed for a second. He was pretty fond of this ecstatic Ashton, and it seemed to rub on him. “Michael agreed on my proposition to be both co-editor in chief, and Calum will be co-director with me as well. Well, I haven’t asked him yet, but I’m pretty confident in his answer.”

          “That’s great! I told you it would be fine.”

          “Yeah. It’s a great relief. And I’m very motivated by this. I don’t know if it will really work out, to change our dynamic this way. But we’ll give it a try. We’ve already planned for another meeting in three months to review the situation and make eventual changes. We’ll have to be very open and honest with each other for that to work. But yeah… I really think it can work.”

          “I think so too. Your friendship is clearly sincere, profound, and pretty well-balanced. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy every single day, but I believe in your team to making it on the long term.”

          “Thanks. I really appreciate your confidence in me.”

          “Someone has to, given you don’t.” Luke sassed.

          “Hey!”

          “Kidding!”

          “Hum... You’re not completely wrong, though.”

          “I know you’re working on that. And that’s all I’m asking for. And I won’t stop believing in you.”

          They exchanged the sweetest smiles and went silent for a moment. It was still comfortable enough for Luke for a while, but some tension was building up in him again. He deciding making conversation was a good distraction.

          “And what about your meeting with your grand-mother? What was that about, I didn’t even ask you?”

          “Oh well, I wanted to see her to tell her how it went down with Michael, as she would obviously want to know. The sooner, the better. Otherwise she would have accused me to hide information from her. But… to be fair, I could have just told her that over the phone, as we usually do. There… Hum, there was something else I wanted to tell her…”

          Ashton seemed to be a bit shy, as he only looked at his own hands on his lap while talking. Luke was wondering what it was all about.

          “Yeah?” He encouraged.

          “I came out to her.”

          “What?” Luke exclaimed. “Hum, I mean. Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. Are you okay? How did it go?”

          “Good actually.” Ashton smiled and glance at his flatmate. “She might be evolving in a bigot-minded world, but she was never really one to think like them. She has always been a feminist, so it’s not that much of a surprise to see she’s open to other oppressed communities.”

          “I see. I got to say I am half surprised. But in a good way. I’m happy for you. I know your grand-mother and her opinion mean a lot to you.”

          “Yeah… She was strangely smiley about all that. And she seemed to have guessed it was linked to you as well.”

          “Really?”

          “Yes. But you know… She kind of knows everything.”

          Luke chuckled “Yeah, I’ve figure that out.”

          “Oh… and Luke?” Ashton imitated, with a knowing smirk.

          That wasn’t good. And the blonde knew exactly what it was about this time. “Yes?”

          “I wonder you have told her the last time. Because you seem to have make quite an impression.”

          “Oh my god…!” Luke muttered, hands over his face, hiding his creeping blush. He was mortified just to think about it. Let’s just say he wasn’t the nicest when he had meet Mrs Irwin for the last time, initially just to tell her that he was living the flat. Luke would have wanted to just leave the topic here, but the older man kept looking at him expectantly.

          “Hum… I may or may not have insulted her directly and, or, indirectly.”

          There was a second of silence before Ashton laughed out load. “Oh my god!” He took a moment to calm down before he commented “I didn’t know you had that in you”.

          “To be honest, neither did I.” Luke shook his head. “I don’t know what went through me. I was mad… At myself. For leaving you like that, while I definitely knew it was a bad timing. And I just lashed out on her. Oh god… I should really apologise.”

          “You should. But don’t worry she doesn’t seem to be holding any grudge against you.”

          “She’s quite a weird persona, sometimes, isn’t she?”

          “Well yes.” Ashton agreed, shrugging. “But after a while, I guess you get used to her, and just appreciate her for who she is.”

          Luke smiled fondly at his friend. It was obviously the sign that Ashton and his grand-mother were fixing their relationship, even if they might be oblivious to that. Luke wondered if it was really his due. Maybe. Anyways, he was glad to witness it.

          As the journey went on, Ashton seemed to be getting nervous and fidgety. Then unexpectedly, just by looking at him, something tilted in Luke’s head.

          “Is this a date?”

          “What?” Ashton blenched. “No!”

          “Oh…”

          Apparently, Luke was so good had hiding the sudden bit of disappointment that went through him.

          “Not that I wouldn’t take you on a date!” Ashton argued right away. “It’s just that… hum… not this time. This would probably be the worst date ever.”

          Luke frowned deeply. “Where are we going Ashton?”

        But just when he asked, the car slowed down and parked. All that the blonde could see was a plain grey wall without any window. Ashton got out of the car, so he followed and was led to a sophisticated wrought iron gate. That was only then that Luke understood were they were. It was a cemetery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter is such a filler! I'm so sorry. Also i'll try to update really fast, because next chapter won't be as long. Hopefully in a couple of day. I wanted to double update as first, but i just couldn't in this end.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Tell me what you think about it. Also what are your theories on why did Ashton bring Luke to a cemetery? Let me know!  
> Lots of Love,  
> Kassie <3


	22. The man that I've become

 

          Ashton grabbed Luke’s hand with a warry look to check if it was okay, but the young man seemed disoriented and deep in his thoughts. Nevertheless, Luke held on his hand let himself be led through the gate and down the gravel alleys. There was a thick silence between them, to the point Ashton could hear the blood beat in his temples. He hopped he wasn’t doing a big mistake.

          Even for him it was weird to be here. He had only been here once before and he wasn’t really planning on coming back. Some part of him wished that he would felt sad, hurt or even angry. Just feel something. But the truth was that he felt nothing but nervous, and that had all to do with Luke and nothing with him.

          Ashton sighed when he stopped in front of a gravestone. It was a simple one, with barely any decoration, no flower, nothing but a name.

          “Arthur Conway?” Luke glance interrogatively “Who’s Arthur Conway?”

          “My father.”

          The shock was clear on the blonde’s features; eyes wide open, jaw dropping, mouth left open.

          “Oh…! I’m so sorry…”

          “Don’t be.” Ashton smiled tightly. “I never knew him. He, honestly, was a stranger for me. My mom and him had an affair and she ended up pregnant. She told him and he freaked out. He cut all ties with her. He said this baby was none of his responsibility, that he didn’t want it and if my mother wanted to keep it, it was only her problem.”

          Ashton paused letting Luke take in the news. Himself was cold-hearted about it, though. It had vaguely affected him when he had found out. But now it was just facts to tell.

          “He died when I was five. Of an overdose.” He snorted “Guess addiction runs in my genes.”

          “Ashton!”

          “Sorry… Too soon?”

          “Way to soon… And just don’t say things like this…”

          Ashton shrugged. But seeing how worry Luke was, he didn’t say anything more. There was another break while he tried to get his speech straight. He knew what he wanted to say but all of a sudden the words intertwined in his head.

          “Luke, we’re not really here for Arthur Conway.”

          The blond man arched an eyebrow.

          “I don’t want to look rude or disrespectful for I’m going to say. And I’m really sorry if it comes out that way. The thing is, this grave doesn’t mean anything to me. But I know, you, you have lost family members that meant a lot to you. And that you’re still having trouble with your own grief. Which is okay. But, as I couldn’t really take you to Australia, I thought this could be a way of addressing them. That you could be in a place that would allow you to connect to them, somehow. Of course, you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But I thought, maybe, it could be good for you.”

          Luke stood quiet all the time of Ashton’s monologue, eyes flickering between him and the gravestone. It took a moment for him to answer. “I-I… can try…” he whispered. He let go of Ashton’s hand and focused on the tomb. He took a deep breath while closed he eyes briefly.

          “Dad…” he started, his voice already shaky. “Mom… Jack…”

          On the third name his voice broke and a tear slid down his cheek so fast that it seemed to be a surprise for him as well. A second later Luke fell on his knees and covered his head with both his hands, sobbing and hiccupping. Ashton crouched down and rubbed his back gently. He didn’t think it would work so fast and so brutally. Even if he wanted to be relieved that Luke was finally letting his pain go, and allowed himself to cry; he couldn’t find it in himself to be, even remotely, glad when his flatmate was so devastated.

          Luke sniffled and look up to the stone. He went on, his voice cut by his emotions every now and then. “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry for was I did. I know… I know that you deserve better than a son, or a brother, like me. I’m so sorry for the wrong decisions that… That I made. I wish I could make you proud.”

          Tears kept on running down his cheeks, Ashton kept on trying to soothe him. But he didn’t want to interrupted now, Luke clearly needed to get everything off his chest.

          “I’m trying so hard… It’s so hard… Nothing will change what ha… happened. I… I can’t forget, nor for…forgive. I feel so bad about myself… And miss you…! I miss you so much… I miss you…”

          Luke cried in his hands again. Ashton squeezed his shoulder to comfort him, but only then the young man seemed to remember his presence. He threw his arms around the older one’s neck and kept on sobbing on his shoulder. Ashton held him tight.

          He didn’t really know how much time had passed, but it was long before Luke eventually calm down. He hugged Ashton a for moment more before he pulled apart slowly. He looked down “I’m sorry”.

          “No, it’s fine. It’s good that you let it go.”

          The blonde nodded, but the older man knew that he didn’t really agree.

          “Luke? Look at me.” He reluctantly did. “You don’t have to beat yourself so harshly for your past.”

          “Ashton, how can you say that? I almost killed someone.”

          “Almost. You did not. If anything, I’d rather say that you saved his life.”

          “What?!...”

          “Listen. The fire wasn’t your decision. And it would have happened, whether you would have been there or not, right?”

          “...Right…?”

          “But if you hadn’t been there, that guy would have died, for sure.”

          “Ashton, don’t even try to make me look like a hero in there!”

          “I’m not. I’m just stating the facts. You look the events from a distorted perspective. If you take the bigger picture, you’ll see things are not as bad.”

          Luke shrugged but didn’t really seemed convinced.

          “I know you’re trying to get your redemption, or whatever. But the only way to get there is to make peace with yourself. And Luke, the way you’ve been distancing yourself from former lifestyle, the way you’ve put yourself back on track without anyone’s help, and the way you got me to be better along the road, it is admirable. It’s brave and bold. And it could be enough to redeem your actions, if you decided it.”

          The blonde’s eyes got watery again. “I know” he muttered. He felt into Ashton’s embrace once again. He definitely needed support at this point. Whether it was physical or emotional.

          “You can forgive yourself Luke.”

          “I’ll try.”

          “Okay.”

          They shared another long hug. Kneeled down in the middle of a side alley of a London’s suburbia cemetery, it seemed like it was only the two of them. Not fighting against the rest of the world, but fight against themselves. Their fears, their mistakes, their regrets. And the best weapon they had seem to be the support of the other.

 

 

          It had been a long day for both of them. Ashton took a moment to go his office and write down everything. It was a way to set things in place, to acknowledge them all, and to cool down. He knew Luke would also like to have a moment alone. In retrospect, Ashton was rather happy that he brought him to the cemetery. Even if it had been quite a rough experience for him, it was probably needed to help him with his grief.

          Everything seemed to be slowly falling in place for both of them. Helping Luke the way he had been helped before made Ashton really happy. He felt like he was paying his due. But he also genuinely cared for the blond man. He wanted nothing more than seeing him smile. That was another realisation of the day. He wondered how deep his feelings for Luke were. He couldn’t really place words on it for the moment, but he knew it was quite profound already. Maybe that should have feared him, but he just smiled.

          A bit before diner time Ashton left his office. He was surprised to see Luke in the living room, playing his guitar. He had done that a lot lately. Ashton couldn’t help but think it was his way to express himself, to cope with his feelings. Though, he wouldn’t have expected him to be back at it so soon after his emotional breakdown. But well, who was he to judge? Especially when he found his own outlet in writing. He listened from the mezzanine.

          “You showed me that I was just a diamond in the rough. You helped me to grow into the man that I've become. We've been down, we've been up. I hope I've made you proud enough. You make it look easy even when I'm hard to love…”

          Ashton didn’t know the song itself but the lyrics made it clear it was addressed to Luke’s family. It also tended to show that he was starting to pardon himself, even if he was still not tender with himself. But Ashton couldn’t disagree more. Luke wasn’t hard to love. Love really? Was it the word that defined Ashton’s feelings? He wasn’t really sure. But part of him was already screamed that yes, it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this chapter was short but quite important in Luke's character development. I hope you enjoyed it. Tell me what you think about it!  
> Only two chapters left. (normally) Next one will be fun! I promise  
> Lots of Love,   
> Kassie <3


	23. Those Three Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /!\ IMPORTANT /!\ I edited chapter 21 "Surprise", there's no big change but I added a scene, around the middle of the chapter. It's better if you go back and read it, otherwise some stuff in this chapter might not make sense. I'm really really sorry about that...

 

 

        It was Wednesday afternoon; Luke had come back from college about thirty minutes before. He had prepared for another mundanity Ashton had invited him too. This time it was for the premiere of a movie forebode to win a palm at Cannes Film festival. No, Luke had never heard of Cannes before, nor its festival. But he learned that it was a French city which hosted one of the most prestigious film festivals in Europe. Both Michael and Ashton had been invited to the premiere therefore they were bringing Calum and Luke along. The blonde was happy that the event wasn’t too much of a formal thing, and that the whole group of friend would be here, it made it look more like a hangout. Kind of.

          A car would be taking him to the venue soon, but for now Luke was just enjoying to have the flat for himself. Even if it had been days now there was a certain thing he couldn’t get out of his head. And for once it wasn’t related to his past. In fact, he hadn’t had a nightmare since he came back to the flat. Even if he wasn’t sure he was absolutely grieved from the loss of his family and even if he was still trying to move on from the mistakes he did, he wasn’t bothering him like it used to. There were even days where he wouldn’t even think about it. It wasn’t always in the back of his head like before. So he thought he was doing a good job for that. But now what was always on his mind was Ashton. Maybe that wasn’t a recent thing. But now it seemed like he had a lot more to think about. He couldn’t help but be brought back to the last time they were intimate.

 

 

          Luke was lying on Ashton’s chest, in his king-sized bed, letting his heart beat slow down and his breathing find a rhythm back. They were both naked, pleased and getting tired. Luke didn’t really want to move from his position. He was comfortable.

          “So… You’re more of a ... bottom?” Ashton tried carefully.

          Luke chuckled. Someone has done their homework, it seemed. He wasn’t really expecting the question though. “Does it really surprise you?”. Ashton only shrugged. “Yeah. I like bottoming more. But you know… Don’t feel pressure by that. If you wanna try bottoming one day, it’s okay with me.”

          “Hm.” Ashton groaned. “Actually, I feel more comfortable with the idea of topping. For now, at least.”

          “Okay.”

          “Anyway” Ashton said after a moment “it’s none of our concern for now.”

          Luke bit on his lower lip. “I’m sorry” he said, straightening up a bit to look at Ashton’s eyes.

          “What? No, I-”

          “No, I mean, I know… I just…  kinda feel stupid now, because I was the one to initiate this thing between us, but I’m the one backtracking now…”

          “You’re not backtracking. And stop apologizing about it. It’s nothing, really. I don’t care. I’m fine with what we have. And for the record you stated from the beginning that you didn’t know where your boundaries were, I knew that. And I’m okay with that.”

          “Okay…” Luke sighed, putting his head back on the other’s chest.

          “Relax… You’re safe with me. I promise.”

 

 

          But Luke wasn’t comfortable with the situation no matter how Ashton would try to reassure him. He felt like he was restraining Ashton. Even though, his flatmate was not asking for more. Not yet. But he knew it would be coming. He looked like he didn’t know what he wanted, trying to be close to Ashton, but maybe not the way Ashton wanted it. What was he afraid of? He knew Ashton wouldn’t hurt him. He wasn’t blind: he could see the way Ashton looked at him; he knew he had feelings for Luke; he knew he was refraining from wording them; he knew he was afraid it would freak Luke out.

          But the blonde had already figured out, and he wasn’t freaked out. More like the opposite, Ashton’s tenderness and fond side were very reassuring in the process of warming up to relationship again. But did Luke like Ashton the same way?

          He sat on the edge of his bed, and started to strum on his guitar. He thought it could help clearing his head. But, it was more the contrary that happened. He found words that weren’t his but that suddenly were exactly what he wanted to say.

          “We'll do it all, everything, on our own. We don't need anything, or anyone. If I lay here. If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

          “I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough. If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

          “I don't know where, confused about how as well. Just know that these things will never change for us at all. If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

          Luke cared for Ashton, a lot. He felt good with him, really. What was holding him back? He didn’t know. He was just afraid, irrationally afraid. He was there in his thoughts when his phone buzzed, telling him the car was waiting for him. Luke put the guitar down, checked one last time his reflection and left the flat.

          He crossed the cinema lobby in the search of familiar faces. He was hopping to spot Michael’s red head easily, but when he finally saw him he was surprised. The colour was gone. Michael was now blond, which looked like his natural hair colour. Everybody greeted Luke friendly when he joined their group and they soon started to move to the screening room while chatting casually.

          “So Mali has insisted that we do some kind of wrapped up and repetition in a small committee on Friday. Just to make sure everything will be ready.”

          “Okay sure.” Ashton nodded.

          “Actually, it’s probably a good and needed thing. We’ve been so busy lately, we hadn’t really been involved in the preparation. Thanks God, Mali was here…!”

          “Yeah… I can’t believe it’s already this weekend! Time has passed so fast...”

          “Wait! What?” Luke suddenly jolted in the conversation. “The wedding is _this_ weekend?!”

          “Hum yeah...?” Calum questioned, it seemed obvious.

          “Didn’t you know?” Michael frowned.

          “Well no… It’s not like we have the date pinned on the fridge, or like anyone had actually told me…” the blonde half scowled.

          “So… It’s this weekend.” Calum gave a crooked smiled mixed with an apologetic look.

          “And I’m not ready at all.”

          “Yeah. We’re going to have to find you a suit in the very last minute and my tailor is not going to appreciate…” Ashton sighed

          “Is there a dress code? Or a theme or just something I should wear in particular?”

          “Not really.” The kiwi man explained “There’s a colour code: Plum and berries. Because it’s like autumnal colour and it’s just nice, we like it. But you don’t have to necessarily follow it, it was more like for the decoration and our tuxedos, but the guest can do has they want.”

          “Plum and berries?” Luke chuckled “Sounds more like a menu than a dress code!”

          They laughed. “Hey don’t make fun of us!” Calum pouted.

          “Sorry. I’m sure you’ll have wonderful ceremony, guys. And I’ll do my best to fit in the colour code.”

          They sat in their attributed seat, Calum and Michael together, Ashton and Luke beside them. Even if they hadn’t been very couple-y up until this point, it seemed more natural to pair up like this. Soon the lights turned off and the projection started.

 

 

          Ashton did his best to try to focus on the film, but he wasn’t really getting into the story. It was one of this haughty movie, where nothing really happens and when something does it only make you wonder why it was relevant to be shown on screen. It just looked very pretentious to him. Although it had some good points, like the fact that it was a queer movie. But the relationships were portrayed in a weird way, that only showcased unhealthy to obsessive behaviour. Every character in this movies seem a little bit insane. The realisation was rather nice, with some very present and strong colour effect, but it came off to him only as over the top.

          And finally, Luke was there, only few inches away from him, and he was a much better sight. He kept on glancing at him, admiring his profile getting lit by the changing images on the big screen. He may have seen this traits a million times now, but he couldn’t get enough. Sometime Luke noticed and turned his head to look at him. They would just stare at each other and smile for a few seconds before they got back to the film.

          Then, Ashton got an idea. He wasn’t sure where it was exactly coming from, because it wasn’t much like him. But it was tempting. Very tempting. Before he could think about it for too long, he placed his hand on Luke’s knee. The blonde’s head turned to send him a questioning look to which Ashton only answered with a smile. Luke smiled back and returned his attention to the movie.  Ashton did the same but he wasn’t the least focused on what was going on, on the screen.  He started to rub circles with his thumb, then slowly processed to move his hand upward and inward Luke’s thigh. It seemed like it took forever but Ashton was careful not to make it too sudden so that it would seem almost unconscious. But ultimately his hand was just under the crotch area and Luke finally reacted. Ashton could see from the corner of his eyes that his was biting his lip. Half of an inch higher, the blond leaned to the side and whisper.

          “Ashton, what are you doing?”

          “I don’t know. Tell me, what am I doing to you?”

          Without letting Luke answer, he moved his hand to its final destination. Bushing the outline of Luke’s penis, he could felt it was growing hard. He smirked.

          “Ashton!” Luke protested “People are gonna see!”

          “It’s dark.”

          “But not that dark.”

          “Alright…”

          With a final squeeze, Ashton removed his hand and put it back on his own lap. He heard Luke cuss under his breath. Less than a minutes later, the blonde mutter he was going to the bathroom and got up. Ashton was questioning whether or not he should follow him, without making it to obvious, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He tried to look at it without blinding himself with the light, or disturbing the others. “What the hell??” had send Luke.

          “I got a call to take” Ashton apologized to Michael before he flied out of the room as well. The people at the end of row were getting pissed by all the passing, but he couldn’t care less.

          He entered the bathrooms to discover Luke pacing in front of the sinks, typing angrily on his phone.

          “What was that?!” the blonde exclaimed.

          Ashton took a quick circular look and was relieved to see the space was empty. He made his way up to Luke and asked with a sweet voice. “Shouldn’t I have done that?”

          “You shouldn’t leave me dealing with that alone!” and with that he crashed their lips together.

          Ashton smiled into their heated exchange. But soon he forgot about everything, about how his plan had worked, about his nerves that it might backfire, about the cinema, about everything else than the man in front of him.

 

 

          Never breaking the kiss, they moved to get in one of the stalls and shut the door behind them. Ashton pushed Luke against the wall and leaned to attack Luke’s neck with open-mouth kisses. The blond sighed and lolled his head to give him more access, one of his hand tangled his hair and the other was finding its way under the button-up. Ashton, in a more efficient way, stared to undo Luke’s buttons, and the blonde mimicked him shortly after. Soon they flushed their bodies against each other and moaned in their kiss, satisfied to feel the heat of their skins and the friction of their crotches.

          Ashton circled his hands around Luke and grabbed the back of his thighs, as a cue for the young man to jump. Thankfully Ashton was strong enough and the wall support helped to, so that they could stay in this position. Luke’s legs crossed behind Ashton’s back and pushed their sensitive areas closer, earning more moans from both parts. They kept on making out feverishly, and rubbing against each other until they were both panting, and clearly in need for something more.

          Given that both of Ashton’s hands were supporting Luke, even though they migrated from the back of his thighs to massaging his ass, the blond took the matter upon himself. He snaked one hand between them, unbuckling belt, unzipping pants and pushing fabric so that both of their hard members were now pressed against each other and enwrapped by Luke’s hand. He bit on Ashton’s shoulder not to moan out loud, as he started back and forth motions. The older man was panting right in his hear sending shivers down his nape and spine.

          As Luke built up a faster pace, Ashton slide both his hands in his pants, grasping at the two round cheeks and kneading deeper the tender flesh. Luke loved it, if anything he wanted more. That’s when he realised, there was nothing hold him back.

          “Do it.”

          “What?” Ashton panted.

          “Mh… Fingers… Please…”

          The older man seemed hesitant. “You sure?”.

          Luke pulled back enough to look him in the eyes. He blinked a couple of time before he asserted, “I trust you”.

          Ashton kissed Luke more passionately than ever. When he broke the kiss he brought two fingers up to his mouth and suck on them. He certainly did some ‘research’ but Luke was rather glad about it right now. True to himself Ashton was gentle and slow. He circled Luke’s rim a couple of times before he pushed pass it. It didn’t feel instantly good, but it never did, though it didn’t hurt thanks to Ashton’s caring. He forced himself to relax and the pleasant sensation on his cock were helping a lot. Ashton started to move inside of him, progressively building a rhythm that matched Luke’s hand’s. and soon he found his sweet spot.

          Luke bit another time on Ashton’s shoulder, a bit more harshly, but it didn’t seem to bother the other man. If anything he looked very proud of him. “Here?” he asked in a breath. Luke answered with somewhat of a moaned yes. They kissed messily while they both accelerated the pace of their motion.

          Soon another digit was insert into Luke’s hole and added more pressure to his prostate. It felt even better. The pace of the blonde’s hand on their members was getting erratic.

          “Ashton... Ashton…” Luke cussed in between pants, trying to formulate a correct sentence and trying not to be too loud. “I’m close… So… close…”

          “Me too…. Come… Come with me...”

          With moans muffled by one last kiss, they both came in a few more seconds. They gave each other a moment to come down of the highs, before they started to clean themselves and dress up again. They took a moment to look at their reflections in the mirror, trying not to look as fucked out as they were. When they finally exit the bathrooms, the movie was over and people were getting out of the building.

 

          Ashton and Luke were both a bit sleepy in the car back to the flat. But happy, judging by the smile on their faces. For the most part, they didn’t say much, but the silence was comfortable.

          “Ash?”

          “Hum?”

          “I know you’ve talk to your friends and your family, but would you be out, _out_ , if you were in a relationship?”

          Ashton tilted his head. Was Luke really asking for the general concern, or was he asking if he would be out if they were together?

          “Yes, I would.”

          “I mean, you’re kind of a public figure. It might be an issue even, like, on a professional level?”

          “Maybe. But I don’t want to hide who I am. For a long time, I’ve not been part of the LBTQ community, and felt like I couldn’t do much about it, because it wasn’t like my cause, or anything. Of course I was still supportive, but it seemed a little superficial. Now, I can… I mean, I’d like to be a role model, showing that it’s okay, that’s you can be successful, have a carrier, be happy. It might not be easy for me, but if it helps on the longer term, it’s worth it I believe. But… maybe I’m just really naïve. It’s still pretty new to me.”

          “No. It’s… It’s pretty brave.”

          Ashton smiled. “It’s inspired by you.” He took Luke’s hand in his, and brought it up to leave a kiss on his knuckles. Luke smiled bashfully, turning his head to look through the window.

          “I shouldn’t say this, but I still feel like I have to, at same point.”, Ashton started a bit apprehensively. “I just want to say that… I’m not like him. I won’t be like him.”

          He felt like it was a very heavy thing to say, but, much to his surprise, Luke chuckled.

          “I know. I know, Ash.” He grinned. “I’ve known since the night of the gala.” Seeing the perplex expression on his friend’s face he went on. “You know, despite everything, alcohol is good giveaway. When that guy used to drink, he was just angry and violent. When you were drunk you were somewhat true to yourself, and you were funny, charming, and pretty in touch with your emotion. I know you won’t be like him, beside a vaguely similar situation. I’ve always knew, and that’s also a reason why I agree on your grand-mother’s deal. I just saw that you’re a good person. A great person.”

          Luke leaned and left a small kiss Ashton’s cheek. The older man felt himself all funny inside. Butterfly in the stomach, as they say. Ashton was almost sad they arrived at their address, living the cosy atmosphere of the backseat of the car. It was pretty late so they would probably just go to bed once they were inside, but Ashton would have like this evening to stretch a bit more. He was about to part way with Luke, each going to their bedroom, but he didn’t really know what to say.

          “Hum… So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” he chuckled nervously.

          “No goodnight kiss?” Luke teased.

          Ashton smiled and cupped Luke’s face to place a sweet kiss on his lips. Unlike their previous heated making out, this was all filled with fond sentiments. When he pulled back he looked at those blue eyes he knew so well now. They were sparkling like never before. Luke’s cheeks wore a pretty shade of pink and his lips were curves in a beautiful smile. Ashton swore those three words where on the tip of his tongue.

          But he wouldn’t say them, not now. No matter how much he wanted to, he felt like Luke would not be ready to hear it. So he would wait.

          “Goodnight Luke”, he said instead.

          “Goodnight Ashton.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next time fore the finale!
> 
> Sorry for the long wait! Hope there's still some of you out there liking this story...! So, I'm almost done with my master thesis (which i totally should work on instead of writing this.. but whatever). So once it's over, i'll write the last chapter of this fic. Hopefully it should be within the next two weeks. 
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Kassie <3


	24. The Reason is You

          A smile was playing on Luke’s lips as he got out of the elevator. Today was a big day. The last weekend of October had now come, as known as, Calum and Michael’s wedding date. Luke had learned that they were several reasons for the choice of this particular day. First because it was close to Halloween and it was one of their favourite times of the year. Then, in Europe it was also the date at which they switch from daylight-saving time back to standard time. That means it was a 25-hours day, so it gave them more time to party! Luke had also discovered that Calum and Michael were nicknamed Malum for short, which _coincidentally_ was the Latin for “evil” … That brings back the Halloween theme and the circle is complete. 

          All in all, Luke just thought that it suited them. Even he didn’t know Calum and Michael for long, he could tell they had their own style and that this wedding was going to be a hundred-percent like them. Which was the point, and which he was very excited about. Some part of him was still he little anxious at this idea of celebrating with Ashton again. But he knew that the same mistake wouldn’t happen this time. They had sorted a lot of things since the last party. So he was pretty confident that they would have a great time, and he'll see to that.

          So it was a happy Luke who greeted the concierge when he crossed the lobby.

          “Good morning, Sanjay!”

          “Luke! You look particularly elegant today.”

          The young man indeed made a special effort today. Just two days before he went with Ashton to his favourite tailor, which was the same one Calum had lead him to before the Gala. He was an understatement to say that he was unhappy about working in such a short notice. But Ashton was a good client and one that could pay for the service, so he accepted. Thankfully, Luke was not “too badly proportionated” to quote the tailor. There was no hem to adjust, it all came out right on the first trying, except for the jacket which had to be more tucked at the waist. The final tuxedo was freshly delivered in the morning.

          Luke smoothed the non-existent wrinkle on his crimson red jacket. “It’s Calum and Michael’s weeding today.”

          “Oh I know; I saw Ashton leaving this morning. He wore nice tuxedo too.”

          “I haven’t seen his outfit yet, actually.”

          Sanjay chuckled. “He looked very handsome as well” He said with a wink. Luke felt the blood run to his face, but laughed too. He was pleasantly surprised to see that the Indian man was actually very friendly and funny once he dropped his façade.

          “Bet he does…” he muttered.

          “I’m glad to see that you look really happy, especially in the last couple of days.” Luke send him a frown but the concierge when on before he could interrupt. “I know a lot of your previous smiles were fake. I mean, I’ve given a lot of these myself. But lately you don’t only smile with your mouth, it’s in your eyes too. It’s a good thing.”

          “Thank you.” But he realised there’s wasn’t anything to thanks for, but on the moment it had seemed appropriate. “I think things are falling into place now.”

          “Okay…” Sanjay nodded, he looked like he understood the importance of the words and their unspoken meaning. “… But that car is really waiting for you.” he added nudging toward the exit door.

          “Alright.” Luke cracked a huge smile. “Have a nice weekend!”

          “Enjoy the weeding, Luke.”

 

 

          Ashton, Michael, Calum, Mali, and the rest of the grooms’ families had come early to get ready together and have a first photoshoot before the ceremony. Calum and Michael had still not yet seen each other in their wedding tuxedo, and wanted to left the surprise for the last moment, when they would be getting down the stairs Ashridge House’s tower. The historical house was more than 700 years old but had kept all its charm. It was a lovely place, with magnificent Italian gardens, and spectacular architecture in all of its room. But the climax was the stairs, a majestic piece that parted in two ways, joining the upper balcony that circle inside of the tower. For the occasion it was decorated with white and peach roses and autumnal flowers and leaves. All the decoration followed the theme set by the grooms in the littlest details and it look absolutely perfect.

          Ashton was in Michael’s fitting rooms where his family had gathered, getting the last thing ready. Young nephews and niece or little cousin, all dressed in the same way, were running after one and other getting they parents and grandparents anxious that’s they would break something or damage their outfits. Adults in small groups were casually chatting and catching up with other, as the wedding was the occasion for distant relatives to meet again. Michael was the most solicited, but at this moment he had found a moment of calm to just nonchalantly lean again a window frame next to his best friend and watched the scene unfold with fond in his green eyes and happiness in the rippling of his smile.

          “It’s going to be a great day.” reassured Ashton.

          “It is already.” His friend smiled wider. “Everybody is here, family and friends. My best friend is by my side. I’m going to marry the love of my life. And we’re even lucky with the weather, I mean, it’s England, so it says something, no?”

          Ashton chuckled and nodded. For a second a silence laid between them, but unlike a lot of quiet moments in the previous month, this one was relaxed.

          “So… I know I’ve been busy and all, but you didn’t really talk about Luke ever since he came back in the flat. It everything okay between you two?”

          “Yeah, it’s great.” Ashton answered unable to restrain his smile, nor the slight blush on his cheeks.

          “Yeah?” Michael pressed further.

          “Yes.”

          “Have you, like, talk to him about… like…”

          “My feelings?” Ashton filled in, rolling his eyes. “Aren’t we supposed to talk about your love life today and not mine?”

          “Don’t avoid the question, just answer.”

          Ashton rolled his eyes once gain. He knew him too well. “… Not really. I mean, he probably knows, or suspect at least.”

          “Why don’t you tell him then?”

          “Hum… Luke doesn’t … hum… date.”

          “What do you mean?” Michael frowned

          “Erf.. Nothing, I mean, I’m fine with that.”

          “Are you, though?”

          “Yeah. Just taking the things as the come, one day after the other. And be patient.”

          “That love, man.”

          Mali came inside the room, leading the photographer and Michael then was required in order to start the photoshoot.

          “Yes, it is.” Ashton muttered for himself. Before he straightened up and followed his friend.

 

 

          Luke arrived at Ashrigde House after almost an hour and a half of ride, but as he discovered the old stone building he thought it was worth it. The 13th century house was nothing like what it knew from Sydney. He smiled seeing red ivy climbing up the façade, perfectly coordinated to his jacket. He followed the signs and decoration pointing to the great hall. People were already gathered here and Luke was a bit nervous, as he knew no one.

          He roamed the room quickly. He was really impressed with the fact that everybody followed the dress code. The crowd display a nice array of deep purple and red hues, with small touches of more neutrals tones like white, black, grey, beige and brown. It was perfect with the rest of the decoration. But the architecture of the room was probably the most fascinating to Luke.

          Eventually, he spotted a familiar face, in the person of Anna. She looked gorgeous in her vintage burgundy red velvet dress which hugged her body, enlightening her thin waist and her natural curves. He greeted her and she introduced him to the few people she was talking to. They were mostly employees and friends from 1200” or the Irwin group: photographers, journalists, freelancers. They were all in their twenties, more or less, and welcomed Luke in their conversation, after inducing themselves.

          But soon the ceremony started and they sat on the aligned chairs in front on the grand staircase. Music started to play, Luke would learn later that is was Pachelbel’s Canon, but he knew he was vaguely familiar with it even if the name escaped him for now. First Ashton and Mali came down the stairs each on one side. Mali wore an elegant, beige, siren-shaped dress with a berry red belt at her waist. On the other flight of stairs, Ashton was descending slowly, a huge smile on his lips. Luke could only approved Mr. Sana’s previous comment: he looked amazing. He was mostly in beige, but the jacket of his suit and his bowtie held a profound indigo colour, that somehow made his eyes greener than ever. They smiled with complicity at other until they reach the stair landing where was already waiting the officiant for the lay ceremony.

          A few seconds after, Michael and his mom went down the stair, mirroring Calum and his own mother. They were both dressed in white. Michael with a plum bow and Calum with a ruby red one. Despite the bright smiled on their face their eyes were getting waterier with every step. The emotion took of all the room, and even Luke could feel a small tear forming in the corner of his eye. Michael actually let one slide down is cheek even he quickly whipped it off. Joining on the stair landing in the middle, the two grooms rapidly hold hands as they kept staring at each other with much more emotions they one look could normally convey.

          The ceremony was simple, not very long and very touching. The vows were heart-melting and a certain number of guest cried a bit. But Michael, Calum, Ashton and Mali didn’t do any better. There was a couple of songs that the crowd echoed in chorus. And with the exchange of simple silver band rings Calum and Michael were husbands. The first act of their newly formed marriage was to kiss each other sweetly. Then they went down the last few steps, hand in hand, being applauded, cheered and walking under a rain of confetti. 

          Everybody tried to have a word with the couple to congratulate them, so Luke stayed in the back for a moment before he could reach them. He swore never saw such a happy couple as Malum at this moment. And it was contagious as he couldn’t help but smile to the point of hurting his jaw. Then he went to look for Ashton who happened to be with Matt, one of the 1200” employees he had meet just earlier.

          “Hey.”

          “Hey there.” Ashton greeted and placed his hand on the small of Luke’s back. They agreed they would go the wedding as dates, but would keep the demonstration of affection small, as it was somehow new for both of them. Matt smiled and excused himself leaving for another group.

          “You did a good job.”

          “I didn’t do much.”

          “Well... maybe, but you looked really good while doing it.” Luke teased

          “Thanks” Ashton chuckled. “Hey… I don’t want to be the kill-joy here, but … my grand-mother is here and she might not stay for long, so it might a good occasion to talk to her.”

          “You mean try to apologize.”

          “Hum… yeah. It’s a public, crowded place, so you stand a chance to survive.”

          Even though Ashton was joking, Luke knew it held a part of truth. It was probably going to be terrible, but still, the sooner the better.

          “Alright” he sighed. “Wish me good luck…!”

          Ashton placed a kiss on his temple and give one reassuring squeeze before he let go of him.

          Luke swore Mrs. Irwin had it all figured out. She was in the corner on the room, all alone, looking at him straight in the eyes was he was approaching. And it was freaking intimidating. She wore a wine coloured dress, very elegant, as usual, but at the moment Luke couldn’t help but only see it as metaphor of blood of her enemies.

          “Luke.” She nodded sharply, her lips pursed in a thin line.

          “Mrs Irwin, I-I know it might be a little bit late, but a really wanted to apologise for… for I said the last time we met. I was rude and insulting… and it was very uncalled for. I’m sincerely sorry.”

          Ashton’s grandmother only huffed in annoyance. “You know, it has been a really long time since someone talk so low of me, in my face. It takes some gut to come to my building, to my office, and to say that to me in person. I’m surprised that you have that in you. Although, to be honest, I have always known there was much more in you that this ideal son façade you carry around.”

          Luke stayed stunned for a moment, not knowing exactly where she was going. “What are you saying, exactly?”

          She gave a twisted smile. “I’m happy that you are by Ashton’s side. You bring up some… force in him. It was about time he knew how to stand up for himself.”

          Luke shook his head. “You know, I may have said in a harsh way, but my words were not meaningless. You should be careful with the way to treat Ashton.”

          “Ashton will have other people to baby him. I’ll make him the future head of the Irwin group and he has to be tough for that. And the road is still long.”

          Luke inspect Mrs. Irwin face for a moment. He frowned slightly. “He doesn’t want to owe you for his position. He tried to restart from the bottom of the chain, and of course he’s going to some mistakes along the ways. But, I think he’s going a rather good job.”

          Mrs. Irwin’s jaw crisped but Luke also noticed that the corner of her mouth twitched. He chuckled incredulously.

          “Oh come on! Just admit it: you’re a little proud of him.”

          The old lady took her haughtiest wearing of head, planted her eyes into Luke’s and said sternly “Never.” But if the blonde’s eyebrows went up his forehead that wasn’t because of her word, but more because he swore he saw in her green iris playfulness, which he never thought she was capable of feeling, nor showing.

          Luke burst out laughing in disbelief, while Mrs. Irwin spun her head around, walking away, preventing him to see the largest and brightest smiled she had had in years. Anna, who was nearby and who had seen the whole scene, came by Luke’s side.

          “What kind of wizard are you?”

          “What?”

          “I don’t know how, or why, but you really know how to deal with her.”

          “Do I?”

          Anna nodded “You might be really good at this, at… you know… fixing people. Even… Even if it can be ironical for a broken person…” She explained an apologetic smile.

          Luke sighed. Of course. Mrs. Irwin had known his past, or at least some of it, since the beginning. It was part of her threat if he refused her deal. But she most likely she didn’t do the research herself. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Anna knew as well.

          “I’m sorry for what happened to you Luke. And I’m even more sorry that she tried to use it against you. But what you did was pretty brave and really badass.” They laughed for a moment, but soon Anna was serious again. “You know, don’t let it define you. Don’t leave in the fear that it could destroy what you’re trying to build now. And I’ll make sure it won’t happen.”

          “Thanks.” Luke smiled. “But don’t put your carrier in jeopardy for me.”

          “No. I know how to be smarter and sneakier. I’ve learn from the best.”

 

 

          Moments later, every single person, man or women, was called to gather down the stairs. Calum and Michael climbed back on the stairs landing, carrying the bouquet Mali was holding up until then. They turned their back to the crowd and, hand in hand, threw the flowers in the air.

          There was shoving, squeals and jumping. And finally a victorious cry, a new hand holding the bouquet proudly. Anna was smiling with all her white teeth as the rest of the crowd was congratulating her for being the next one to get married, according to the superstition.

 

 

          Later after much talking, cheering and taking pictures, inside and outside, with all sort of combinations of people and setting, they all joined the dinner room that was nicely decorated for the occasion. Ashton knew Luke had kept an eye on him to check if would drink champagne or not. But even if the temptation was high, Ashton knew better and only drank softs.

          He was also kept pretty busy with his best man duty, which helped. But when he was finally able to sit down and eat, he realised he was really hungry. The meal was excellent, as you would expect for such a nice place. Between the starters and the main course, he felt his nerves bubble up a bit. It was time for his speech.

          He got up took his glass in one hand and tinkled his silver spoon against it. In a minute the whole room was silent and turned to look at him. Ashton had made a lot of speech before. But this time called for something different, and he was a bit nervous. He took the note in his inside pocket and licked his lips. As his eyes roamed the familiar text, he figured it wasn’t right. He had thought about it and wrote it sometimes before, and it just didn’t feel the same now. He placed the paper back in his suit and took a deep breath.

          “As best man, it is my duty to give some words of choice to congratulated you, Michael, my friend, on your wedding. So there are several approaches to that. And at first I thought could be the funny guy and recall for some your wild adventures. And I would have a lot of awkward stories to tell. Starting with the second time we spoke back in uni. From then, I knew I would never be bored with you. And you never failed to amaze me, especially when you tried to conquer Calum's heart. And God knows how many time you were rejected at first. There would be a lot of stories to be told about that too, but I realised that they were children and innocent ears here, so I’ll censor that. I'm sorry. And that’s how my plan to be funny kind of crumbled. So… All my apologies in advance, I’m going to be sentimental.

          “Earlier today, you told me that love was patience. And it's true to some extend that you were patient with Calum. The important thing it that, not matter what happened, the awkwardness or the misunderstandings, you always came back to him. And you were right to hold on, because, today you can proudly say that you have the best husband by you side.

          “As best man, I’m supposed to wish all the best for your marriage, but you know, I think you already have that. I'd rather wish every person in this room to know a love like the one you and Calum share. It's the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. They say love changes people, and it's true, it pushed you to became an even better man, even if you were already the greatest friend I could hope for. That kind of love, sincere and profound, is the best thing I could have wished you, and you've found it. I'm honoured and proud that you chose me to be the witness of that. Thanks for showing every one of us that true love exist. Long live the happy couple!”

          People applauded as Ashton finished is rant. He was a bit worry that it was too much, and unstructured, but let his heart talk sincerely. Michael came to him as he was about to sit down again and hugged him for dear life.

          “Thank you” he whispered in his ear, voice shaky. As they parted Ashton noticed his watery eyes and almost apologised but Calum caught him in a hug too before he could say a word. Next Mali did her own speech. It was pretty much in the same vein that the one Ashton was supposed to tell. And it was no surprise as he helped her writing it. Calum and Michael improvised a few words to thank them and everyone else and after so much emotion, some food was definitely welcome.

 

 

          The night had fell on the old house, and all sort of dim lights and candles were now lighting the place. Some colourful spotlights and stroboscopes had started to move around. Soon the newlyweds were asked to open the ball with their first dance. As Luke would have think, they choose quite an unconventional song. Never seen Anything ‘Quite Like You’, by The Script was playing softly, as they started to waltz around the room, soon joined by Ashton and Mali, and next the four of their parents. Little Bengal fires were given around and people waved them in the air, looking at their spinning silhouettes.

          “Well I've seen you in jeans with no make-up on. And I've stood there in awe as your date for the prom. I'm blessed as a man to have seen you in white. But I've never seen anything quite like you tonight. No, I've never seen anything quite like you.”

 After the first dance, the night went on alternating between catchy song, dance and dessert. The wedding cake was amazing and the most delicious Luke as ever tasted. He joined the dance floor a couple time either dancing with Ashton, Calum and Michael, Mali or Anna. Once a lovely lady, who looked like Calum’s aunt or something, dragged him for a dance too. At some point the employees from 1200” perform a well-prepared choreography on “Take A Chance on Me” by Abba, which seemed to be some kind of inside joke. Even if Luke didn’t get it all, he still found it extremely funny. 

          In all honestly he couldn’t remember the last time he had so much fun. He thought he spent the whole night smiling, cheering, and dancing non-stop. It couldn’t be better. But at some point, people started to leave as the dawn was getting closer than dusk. Music changed too, as the upbeat songs left for slows.

          Ashton finally invited him to dance and Luke thought he would never ask. He was more than happy to wrapped his arms around his neck and to softly turn around under the peach tinted lights. At some point, The Reason by Hoobastank started to play.

          Ashton sang in his ear. “I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason you.”

          It seemed like someone wasn’t a fan of the song and asked to change cause the second verse got cut and replaced by another song. But Luke heard what Ashton had to say. He looked him in the eyes and so many thought crossed his mind.

          So suddenly he wanted to say so many things. He wanted to tell Ashton how happy he was that he had met him. He wanted to explain that he like him for himself with his doubts and his lows. He wanted to argue that Ashton made him changed to, and that he was so much better now that he was before. That he wasn’t afraid anymore. That he was happy. And that…

          “I love you.”

          Luke said it exactly when he was realising it. Ashton stopped to dance and looked at him as if he wasn’t sure he heard right. Luke chuckled in euphoria.

          “I love you” He repeated, with more assurance.

          He didn’t get much more time to think about it, because the next second Ashton’s lips crashed on his. They were smiling so much that it was actually hardly a kiss, but they didn’t care.

          “You do?” Ashton asked when they pulled apart.

          “Yes. I think, I have for a while now.”

          Ashton kissed him again, but let their foreheads leaned together. “I love you too”

          This time Luke led the kiss. At first it was once again very sweet and full of smiles. But it quickly grew deeper, holding each other closer and closer. Breathing became heavier between passionate kisses. Tongues met. Hands gripped hair. Hands gripped hips. Luke felt hot everywhere, his lust growing up faster than ever.

          “I want you. Now.” He panted against Ashton’s lips.

          The older nodded in one last kiss. They left the room, hand in hand almost running to the bedroom that would be theirs for the night. Luke hadn’t seen it yet, but he didn’t take time to admire it when they stumbled inside. Once the door was closed behind them, they resumed their heated exchange, getting each other’s clothes off while making out messily.

          Luke wasn’t sure he ever felt such a burning desire in his whole life. The heat of both their bodies seemed to be enough to warm the whole room. The contact of their skins was enough to set him on fire. Wherever Ashton pressed his lips, it felt like a burn, in the best way possible. The hands roaming his body were sending electric chills up his spine.

          He felt so needy. Naked and laying down on the huge bed, Ashton hovering him, peppering his collarbones with kisses. His breath kept getting caught in almost-moans. He wanted more. He wrapped his legs around Ashton waist pulling him further down so that their hard members finally rubbed against each other. Luke let out a desperate sigh.

          “Please” he whispered, his hand in Ashton’s hair bring him back up to his face.

          “You sure?”

          “Hurry the fuck up” he sassed, kissing him to prevent from more debate. Ashton got the message as the pulled back to place two fingers in his mouth. After coating them with saliva, he carefully placed them at Luke’s entrance. He pushed in gently making sure Luke was alright. Soon the movement started to feel good, the blonde relaxed and even begin to rock his hips back for more. With the seconds finger inside, Ashton scissor him, but Luke just want to have him inside already. He knew that a third finger would probably be needed but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care.

          He flipped them over, so that he was straddling Ashton now. He slowly pushed the fingers out of him, keeping his eyes lock with his lover who seemed amazed. Luke took the condom from the nightstand where Ashton had placed it. It rolled it down the achingly hard member, making a few back and forth motions at this occasion. He was more than please to get a long moan about of Ashton. Smirking he stopped his action to guide the dick to his hole and started to slowly sink on it.

          It burned, and maybe this time not it the best way, but it still felt good. Luke threw his head back when he bottomed down. He felt Ashton’s hands caressing his chest.

          “You’re so beautiful” he whispered.

          Luke leaned down to kiss him passionately, cupping his face as the most precious material on earth. He started to rock his hips with slow circular movements adjusting to find the most pleasurable position. The act was full of adoration, tenderness, and … love. Luke never felt so loved by anyone. He could feel it to core of his soul. He was bathing in love. He never felt so good during sex. But this time it wasn’t just sex, there were making love. Careful to each other, in sync with each other, looking at each other. They kept kissing and whispering sweet things all along.

          When Ashton felt like he was reaching his climax, he wrapped his hand around Luke’s member, bringing him on the edge as well. With shared moans, muffled by chaotic kisses and erratic pants, they both came almost at the same time.

          Luke pushed himself up off Ashton but only crashed down next to him. Once they caught their breaths back and cleaned up a bit, they slid under the covers and cuddled up against each other.

 

 

          Ashton sighed in pleasure, beside his climax been long gone, he felt so happy and light. He wasn’t even sure when was the last time he was this good. He squeezed Luke a bit more in his arms. He loved him so much. It was hard to believe the blonde was reciprocating his feeling and even harder to believe that he had confessed them. But he did. And Ashton was on cloud 9.

          “Hey.” He said waking up an almost asleep Luke. “I don’t want us to be flatmates anymore.”

          “What?” the blonde jolted.

          “Would you be my boyfriend instead?”

          “Fuck! You scared me…!” Luke sighed place his head back on Ashton’s shoulder.

          “Does this mean yes?”

          “Of course… idiot.”

          Ashton chuckled and placed a kiss on top of Luke head, which was return in form of peck on his shoulder.

          “Also... Maybe we could be roommates too?”

          “Hum… I don’t know? You and I living together? It would be really different. I don’t know if we’re ready for that…”

          “Oh… Right, it would be all new…”

          “But it sound fun. Let’s do it.” Luke smiled brightly getting up to press his lips against Ashton’s.

          Ashton smiled too between the kisses.

 

 

          He was about to fall asleep, a bit later, while the dawn was almost getting up, he thought that everything was going to fine from now on. Even if there were still things that weren’t perfect in his life, even if there would be a lot of trouble still ahead of him, he would be okay. Because he wasn’t alone anymore, like he thought he was. He had the best of friends, he had a loving family, and now, he had Luke. And they will go through all that, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. 
> 
> (I kinda ship Mali and Anna together... I don't know why.)  
> Long author rant in the next chapter.   
> Lots of love,   
> Kassie <3


	25. (Author's Note)

Hey everybody! This is going to be a loooong rant

 

1) Big thank you

I’d like to thanks every single one of you for reading this book and to have make it till this end! It was an uncertain path for me. I’ve been writing for over 10 years now, but never really completed and published something. This was a first! And it’s honestly thank to you all. I want to send a huge, massive, golden, thank you to the people who took a bit of their time to vote and comments. Reading you reactions was the highlight of my days, and it made me smile in some very dark hours. So THANK YOU SO MUCH.

 

2) A few more thing about this story

Flatmates was a real adventure for me, as I said. 150 pages, 80 000 words, 11 month of work. It’s quite crazy when I think about it now. And I can’t believe it’s actually over. But as It’s somewhat my first book, I know that it is far, faaaaaar, from perfect. I’m not 100% please with the level of dramatic tension all the story, and especially at the end. But I’ll learn for next time. If you would like to honestly review my book and commentary and advice, I’ll gladly take it! :D

Also I’ve been so lucky to actually go to London this year while writing Flatmates. My airBnB wasn’t far from Belgravia so was able to visit it myself and it was so cool! Also I got to see 5SOS in concert in Brixton, where MYT live was recorded! It’s so amazing!!

I’d like to come back on a few important things too. Flatmates is a love story, but mostly it’s a story about broken people. And I wanted to have positive message around it. I know that it is not the best treatment of the topic ever. I know that a passed on everything rather fast, whether it is Ashton’s addiction, his depression or Luke’s scars from his past. But I wanted to show people that move on. Because it can get better, with help, with love, with patience too, with understanding and most of all compassion.  If there is one thing to get out and remember about this story, I want it to be that. Be compassionate. “Treat people with Kindness”.

 

3) What’s coming next?

Even if this book is over now. There are a few bonus scenes or deleted scenes that didn’t made it to the final cut. If you are interested in them I could published them in some random occasion. There’s somewhat of an epilogue. The conversation between Luke and Gran in her office, from her point of view. Maybe some Malum side, or about secondary characters, like Anna or Sanjay, even though I’m really not sure about that.

Also Flatmates is going to go under edition. Nothing major at all. Just fixing the typos and mistakes. But no plot change. So don’t be surprised if you see an update, but it’s nothing really.

That being said, I have a lot of ideas what is going to happen next.

First I’ll write Surrender Part 2 that is in the back of my mind since so long now. I also got a request on my tumblr (link in my bio) for a canon compliant retrospective of lashton story from Luke POV, which I’m getting more and more excited about! It was supposed to be one short or something short, but I might actually make something longer out of it.

If you follow me on tumblr, I also have a video under construction. It’s the part 2 of Larry_lashton / truly_lashton video top 30 lashton moments. So it’s basically 30 moments more. It took me forever to do that, it’s not done yet, but I hope to get it out soon.

I have plenty of random idea for a new full lashton book, but I’ll probably make an announcement / post about it later. Because, I’m sorry, but my graduation from architecture school is coming and up until July I don’t think I’ll start a new full story like this one.

 

Thank you so much for reading me!!

None of this would have been possible without you

 

**Lots of Love,**

**Kassie <3**

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody ! New story ! Yay and I'm looking really forward to write it ! .. But guys, uni sucks so i don't know when i'll be able to update. It might be really scattered en irregular and i'm so sorry. I hope you'll stay along the way  
> Lots of love !  
> Kassie


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